Well, I can finally check off another item in my dream journal y’all! This would be the one after grape flavored Twizzlers and just above monkeys that can control robots with their minds. That’s right, my wish for an episode of House as written by Diablo Cody has finally been fully realized in the form of USA Network Royal Pains.
With Royal Pains, we meet a hip young doctor (played by Mark Feuerstein) who bucks the system and plays by his own rules. That is, until he is fired for letting an important money soaked VIP die while he is busy bucking the system and playing by his own rules. This loose cannon had the unmitigated gall to leave the VIP in stable condition, surrounded by (one would assume) competent, trained professional doctors, only to find him dead hours later when Dr. Maverick was miles away. Devastated by being fired and subsequently black balled from every hospital in New York for something that seems to me had to be someone else's fault, Dr. Pouty slips into a Springer fueled depression, driving away his gold-digging fiancé who is infuriated with him for ruining her perfect life. Enter the “comic” relief: the brother. Wearing his coat of many negative Jewish stereotypes, he is here to save his down trodden brother with the power of cute little pithy dialogue and a dream vacation. And where else would a broke, disgraced, bleeding heart doctor go to unwind? Why, the Hamptons of course.
Upon their arrival, thoughtful brother Shecky manages to weasel them into a big money party - just dripping in G-rated debauchery - with the power of his indomitable smarm. Dr. Can’t be Bothered then proceeds to cock block himself like a pro, thwarting the unrelenting advances of a half dozen lady people who are helpless against the raw, animal magnetism of the most boringly ethical man in the world. Eventually he stumbles upon an apparent OD and proceeds to show up the local concierge doctor because he’s a super genius and rich people are bad and lazy.
The next morning, since we’re told “word travels fast in the Hamptons”, our Super Genius, Uber Scrupulous, Doctor Jesus, finds that he has overnight become the man to call for unscrupulous medical care in spite of his burning love of scruples. Dr. Messiah then spends the remainder of the episode flitting to and fro, saving a hemophiliac budget Justin Long and a leathery old socialite with a leaky boobie, all with the power of his whiny self-righteousness and carefully placed referential wit. Then, as the eternally grateful billio-twats try to reward the doctor’s efforts with blank checks, model airplane play dates and a literal bar of gold, he simply can’t object enough, because you see, he’s so much better than that. He wants nothing more than to go home and run away from all of this dirty money and stupid dumb gratitude. That is until a plucky young doctress at the local hospital strokes his ego and shows a little interest and for no good reason that’s enough to convince him to stay.
And with that I am one step closer to having all of my fondest dreams fulfilled. Now if someone would just invent a self propelled, fully automatic, pizza roll cannon, I could finally move on to page two.