Hollywood is full of actors that made it big because they have mastered their craft, and other actors that are eye candy for the masses. Sometimes those worlds collide, and they produce heartthrobs in roles that resonate; people like Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, and Clark Gable, to Richard Gere, Denzel Washington, and Leonardo DiCaprio. For when those worlds don’t collide, I bring you The Good, the Bad and the Buscemi.

My list of The Good, are actors that consistently deliver lead and / or character roles that are always money, but their physical appearance leaves something to be desired (well, a lot of things to be desired). On the other hand, my list of The Bad are actors who don’t deserve to carry the title “actor”, and aren’t even cut out to be extras in a Doritos commercial, but their looks keep them afloat.

Enough with all the jib jab, let’s get ‘er done.

The Good

Paul Giamatti



Paul Giamatti: Even Facial Hair can't Save that Mug

You’ll remember Paul from his character roles in Man on the Moon, Cinderella Man, and a signature role in Sideways. You might also remember thinking, “Who would ever want to fuck that?” and I really have no answer for you. I’m sure Paul bangs the occasional broad, but god help him if he ever blunders and turns on the lights. You’re the man, Paul, but you’ve got a face only a drunk mother could love.

Benicio Del Toro



Benicio Del Toro: A Face that Scares Children

Benicio’s got quite the resume, with roles in The Usual Suspects, Snatch, Sin City, and my favorite Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Admittedly, he’s probably the best looking of the bunch, but finishing first in the Special Olympics isn’t something to brag about (…too soon?). Benicio, you are suave, and we all love that voice, but it’s no mystery why you’re playing The Wolf Man later this year.

Mickey Rourke



Mickey Rourke: Even in Prison he gets Turned Down

Mickey’s been around forever it seems: fell out of grace, but picked himself back up. I liked him in the lesser known Buffalo ’66, then he played the ugly motherfucking giant, Marv, in Sin City, and arguably his best role in The Wrestler. Empty your mind and look at Mickey – you instantly think “that man’s had it rough.” His face inverts my nipples (doctor says it’s nothing too serious), but the man can deliver some chilling roles.

Danny Trejo



Danny Trejo: I've taken Better Looking Shits

Danny has been in about ten thousand films, and was the man in Heat, From Dusk Till Dawn, Desperado, and Planet Terror. Most of his roles consist of him being a bad ass that you don’t want to fuck with because…well, look at the guy. He is a mean-looking monster of a man; that face has more craters than the Moon. Danny, keep up the good work, and please don’t kill me.

Steve Buscemi

Steve Buscemi: Easily the Ugliest Man on the Planet

Steve is loved by many with a diversity in acting style that might only come second to Philip Seymour Hoffman. He’s a common staple in many Coen brother films, as well as Tarantino, and just about everything Adam Sandler’s ever done. But the man could easily scare the blind. When they were passing out faces, they dropped his on the floor, and used the five second rule. I’ve got nothing but admiration for your acting, but Steve, when are you going to at least fix that fucking snaggletooth?

Honorable Mention

My honorable mention goes to Morgan Freeman. The man needs no introduction, as we all remember him from The Shawshank Redemption or Se7en, and the only reason he didn’t make the cut is because he’s getting up there in age.

The Bad

Paul Walker



Paul Walker: Decidedly Pulls more Pussy than You

Paul is really only know for his roles in the Fast and the Furious series, and thankfully so. He has no business being an actor, but I’m hopeful he had to bang several middle-aged producers to make it on the silver screen. Needless to say, I’m certain Paul pulls all kinds of pussy, and I’m also certain that there are fetuses with more talent.

Mark Wahlberg



Mark Wahlberg: From Bad Rapper to Horrible Actor

How the fuck do you go from being an atrocious white rapper, to making it in Hollywood? I guess you ask Marky Mark. There’s really nothing good to say about his “acting”, and why he was chosen for The Departed is completely beyond me. You might be confused, and think Mark knows how to act, so just watch Max Payne and The Italian Job a few more times. When you really focus on his body of work, you’ll notice Marky Mark’s acting is on par with that of a slightly under-developed seal.

Orlando Bloom



Orlando Bloom: Elf-Pirate Hybrid

Every time Orlando actually had a scene where he had to speak – whether it be in Troy, Pirates of the Caribbean or Lord of the Rings – it just made me cringe. It’s not really surprising that his roles all consisted in him being a pretty boy, because that’s all he’s good for. It’s OK though; eventually he’ll lose his looks and audiences won’t have to endure him any longer. Another thing that bothers me is that he’s always, to one degree or another, a pussy.

Vin Diesel



Vin Diesel: The Poor Man's Sylvester Stallone

You’d think being type-cast as a tough guy, action star, would mean you were good at it. Think again. Vin couldn’t properly deliver a line to save his life, but the ladies still love him. After forcing myself to finish xXx, he permanently solidified the distinction of the poor man’s Sylvester Stallone. My favorite line he’s ever uttered has to be: “You can have any brew you want… as long as it’s a Corona.“. Must have taken months of preparation for that doozy.

Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves: Party on, dudes!

This list would simply not be complete without the talentless bonehead, Keanu Reeves. Keanu made his first splash in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, then went onto Speed, and then The Matrix. No where along the road did he stop and worry about actually acting, which is fine…he’s a busy man, after all. What pleases me most is that he will always be remembered for saying, “I know kung fu.“. Good for you, Keanu. Good for you.

Honorable Mention

It was tough to keep him off the list, but Eric Bana gets my honorable mention. He did OK enough in Troy and the new Star Trek to save him from the esteemed 5 above. Keep up the poor work though, Eric, and I’ll leave a spot open for you, the next time around.

Well, that’s all for me. Hope you enjoyed the read. Feel free to let me know what you think, and where I might have erred in judgment. Since I really care and all…

See, I knew the sport had it in him. Don’t remember who Marky Mark is? How about Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch? Or as Mama Blanco reminded me, the song Chevy Chase is singing at the beginning of Vegas Vacation? C’mon, you know you remember that song Good Vibrations of his 1991 hit album Music For the People. Yes my friends that’s correct, I’m talking about OG New Kids on the Block member turned actor, Mark Wahlberg.

Rumor has it, that the actor has recently gotten back in touch with his apparent “roots” again (meaning hes trying to be black again), saying that “Barack inspired a part of me that hasn’t been around a long while! (laughs)” while on the set of his latest action flick, Max Payne last year. I heard that interview, but I thought he was kidding, but apparently not.

At any rate, he’s a bonafide badass, and while he was in with the funky bunch, the group landed a number 1 Heatseekers Chart spot. The album Music for the People went platinum, and led to the sophomore album by the group, entitled You Gotta Believe, released in 1992. The album didn’t even chart anywhere near the top 50 on the Billboard Charts, which in turn led to us never really hearing about them again.

Don’t worry, all this struck me as strange too…but also strangely comforting. I have a lot of love for the guy personally, for bringing me the guys answer to Sex and the City, HBO’s Entourage. But the guys’ not in it alone you see. You’ve probably heard about New Kids on the Block getting back together recently, and while in the studio, Mark went in to cut a few tracks with his brother Donnie.

It’s been rumored that there’s an introductory track by Bill Cosby, which should be interesting, seeing as how one loves saggy pants, and the other wants a law against it (guess who wants what). This can mean a few things. Can we assume that Bill Cosby has welcomed the rap world with open arms, and an agreement has been reached? I mean after all, with President Obama around, some strange inspiration has been found as of late.

Furthermore, the album is being produced by brother Donnie Wahlberg, as well as Scott Storch (my favorite Jewish producer), DJ Khaled, The Runners, Kanye West, and others. You may be thinking that there’s no possible way that this could go wrong, but great collaborations don’t always go as planned. Remember when Patrick Stewart was the voice of the king in Elder Scrolls Oblivion? No? Well it was a clusterfuck to say the very least. But alas, time will tell.

Until Next time my friends.

~Flak