INT. STARBUCKS - 24/7

It’s a known fact that LA is littered with screenwriters. Lots of them. Tens of thousands to be exact. Some are professionals, some are hobbyists, and others are uninspired goons trying to cash in on the illusory spec sale lottery. Anyone who lives in Los Angeles and has walked ten paces to a Starbucks knows that there is a good chance the coffee shop chain will be infested with amateur and professional screenwriters penning the next summer blockbuster or quirky-ironic indie cult hit.

Taking some time to investigate this topic, I came to realize that simply saying Starbucks was integral to so many screenwriters‘ writing processes was as much of an understatement as saying Richard Simmons is simply chipper. After starting to investigate, what I found was a much scarier, horrific, monster. Something so shocking and revealing that I knew immediately I had to share it with the rest of the world. What follows is my multi-part expose on the present state of “Starbucks Screenwriters.”

Gone are the times when writers sat outside restaurants and bars sucking cigarettes and downing glass after glass of brown liquor, exhausting themselves over their next novel or screenplay. From Hemingway penning  The Sun Also Rises amid cafe hopping among some of the great Parisian cafes of the 1920s, to Diablo Cody scribing “Juno” at a Starbucks inside of a Target, the times are a changin’, my friend. Honest to blog? You have no idea.

Walt Disney gets dethawed and writes new Disney characters at a Starbucks on Melrose.

“It’s a known fact that screenwriting at Starbucks has increased significantly in the past several years, and one of the giveaways is due to the recent barage of screenplays with music written into the script… music from artists like Norah Jones, Paul McCartney, John Mayer, and Feist, Starbucks audio favorites.”

This is what Hollywood producer Thomas Glen (Titanic 2: The Iceberg Takes Manhattan, Rocky VII: The Metameusel Chronicles) had to say about the topic, who I met at a Starbucks on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, where I was going to scout out local screenwriters and try to get the inside scoop on this recent phenomenon. He was waiting to meet Lindsay Lohan to discuss a future film project, but had just recieved a text saying she’s running a little late, so he granted me a few moments to discuss the state of “Starbucks Screenwriters.”

A budding, novice screenwriter working on prequel to "Freaky Friday", titled "Wacky Wednesday." Currently a work in progress at 600 pages.

“First off, whenever one of our readers gets a script that’s starts with music from the likes of Feist or Lily Allen, we immediately throw that script in the trash. It’s not so much that it’s a bad song from the artist, it’s just we as the industry know that whatever follows is not going to be quality material. It’s obvious the writer has written this screenplay at Starbucks and we know that he or she is just going to be too hopped up on caramel macchiatos to write anything close to coherent.

Mr. Glen than immediately pointed to a man in his early thirties, pounding away at a netbook in the corner by the bathrooms. “See him in the corner? He’s on his third act. See how much he’s shaking rom the caffeine? The script is not going to be consistent.” Thomas than went on to say: “We see it all the time. The scripts start off very slow, and develops a faster pace, then by the end of the second act, the characters are talking ten times as fast as the were in the beginning and scenes last no more than twenty seconds. It’s from the potent mixture of the espresso and the sugary syrups. By “FADE OUT” all the dialogue is ending with exclamation points and the action sentences are just one word fragments. And they don’t even make any sense at that.

Something else noticed by the upper rungs in Hollywood is the amount of scripts coming taking place in a Starbucks. Thomas pointed out several examples of scripts he’s recieved in the past month… “It’s like ‘Snakes on a Plane’ but in a Starbucks. It’s ‘Waiting’ at a Starbucks. It’s ‘Armageddon’ at a Starbucks. See what we have to deal with? When you’ve been living off vegan scones and pumpkin bread for the last five weeks, you’re not in a stable enough mental state to choose what shirt you’re going to wear that day, let alone write a screenplay.

I want these motha fuckin' snakes off my motha fuckin' breakfast sandwich!

Just then, Mr. Glen turned his attention to the door where it was no other than Lindsay Lohan, stumbling inside. Mr. Glen muttered “Fuck my life,” and I extended my hand, thanked him for his time, and swiftly left the table.

Oh, my friends, my investigating as only begun. Stay tuned ’til next week where I interview local Starbucks baristas, assiduous screenwriters, and a special celebrity about the current state of “Starbucks Screenwriters” in Tinseltown.

I know I said I would do a couple other 2008 reviews, but my upcoming Coachella piece was enough, so silence yourself and read ahead.

It seems like it’s hard to find a good dance rock band these days, even for someone who lives so close to Los Angeles and Hollywood. I may not go to Club Moscow on Wednesdays or whatever, but it still shouldn’t be this hard to find something of quality to listen to. However, I still keep an eye out on an old favorite of mine, and this year, they delivered again. I’m of course talking about the latest from the boys from Glasgow, Scotland; Franz Ferdinand.

I know you’ve heard of them before, probably the hit Take Me Out from their self titled album back in 2004. Or maybe the huge club hit, that I still hear when I go out, Auf Achse from that same album. Lil Wayne sampled their song This Fire on the mix tape The Drought is Over Part 4 as well. But enough about all that nonsense, this review is on the bands 3^rd studio album, entitled Tonight: Franz Ferdinand.

To give you a little history, as I always do, the band is from Glasgow, Scotland. The band is named after Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria, who’s assassination pretty much made World War I pop off back in 1914. Their second single, Take Me Out, landed at number 3 on the British charts, which in turn earned them the same rank on the self titled album in 2005. The video for the song (which is absolutely badass by the way) also received high praise and acclaim for its strange Russian constructivist visual scheme.

The front man for Franz Ferdinand is Alex Kapranos, who also plays the lead guitar. Backing him up on vocals and guitar is Nick McCarthy, who also jumps on the keyboards from time to time. Bass guitar duty is done by Bob Hardy, with Paul Thomson on the drums and backing vocals. All four members were working on different bands before this bands inception, but created Franz in 2002. After two chart topping albums released two years in a row, then band took a break to spend some time creating their latest work of art. I feel like the wait was well worth it. Let’s talk about it.

Paul, Bob, Alex, and Nick

First, this is the kind of band that you love because you can pick it up so easily and enjoy it, without having to know the lyrics to make it entertaining. Because its dance rock, you can simply do just that, without worrying about the guy next to you in his Jetta trying to talk shit. The overall feel of the album for me is that it makes me want to strut down the street. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like this is the perfect type of music to make music videos to.

For instance, the first track, Ulysses has a simple but addictive beat, and when Alex comes in, you here him humming before the verse starts; in a way that lets you know that he is also feeling the groove of his own work.

The second track, Turn It On, feels to me like it would fit perfect in a Need for Speed or Midnight Club title, but I’m sad to report that the song is nowhere to be found in the videogame world. People who have played either series will get what I mean, so stop shaking your head at me. I’m making sense.

While track 6, Bite Hard, might be a little too fast to dance to, the energy in the instrumentals make it a key track on the album. With a particular nod to the synth used throughout the track.

Being a bass player, the funky licks on track 7, What She Came For, made this one of my favorites. This track felt a little more like something you would have heard on one of the bands previous albums; which is not a bad thing, and more of a welcome nostalgia.

Track 8, Live Alone, is one of the tracks that I believe truly defined the feel that the band was looking for. The synth and bass, and drums are heavy on this one, making it a shoe in for a sexy track for the club DJ’s. The chorus is catchy and easy (too many jokes I could make here), letting you sing along the second time around when the chorus hits.

My favorite track this time around though, is track 10 Lucid Dreams; for a few reasons. First, the instrumentals do a glorious job of paint the scene to match the song’s name. Second, the first 40 seconds of the song seems to have an almost an old western vibe to it, which I didn’t expect. After that, the beat kicks off, which is very club worthy. At about 4:47, the beat drops away and there is a crazy digital solo that made me get up and shuffle around the room in a funky manner. This leads us to the end of the track on a lighter note, which again leads to the quieter tracks Dream Again, and Katherine Kiss Me.

To bring it home, I think that Franz Ferdinand went in the right direction. Critics are saying that this is their best album yet, and Alex himself even says that this album is the dance album they have wanted to make for a long time. It doesn’t feel rushed, and doesn’t overstay its welcome while you listen to it. Add this one to your collection if you want something funky to bump at parties. Expect to hear a few of these tracks in the scene clubs all around Los Angeles. Franz Ferdinand brought us another album with hits that we can put on when we want to get groovy. Next time you are thinking about what to listen to in the evening to get the blood going, make the choice, Tonight: Franz Ferdinand.

Until next time,

~Flak

We went to check out The Belmont restaurant in Hollywood, located at 747 N La Cienega Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90069, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised. For starters, this place is in Hollywood – and you should already know my very vocal aversions to Hollywood – then I also find out that we had to make a reservation. This is about 1.7 strikes already (I hate the location and I hate making reservations), but Belmont made a comeback with their service and great (affordable) eats. Pretty unrelated…but as I was driving through Studio City, I noticed a group of people gathering to protest the war…which to me is a bit strange, especially in the San Fernando Valley, so I felt obligated to share a picture:

Hippies Running Amuck in a City Near You!

A Friday night for a busy street in Hollywood usually means there will be plenty of sluts, packs of sausage roaming around together, and potential “celebrity” sightings. The Belmont certainly lived up to those expectations. Our reservation was for 8 p.m., but it was pretty unnecessary – the place was maybe at 40% capacity. Don’t expect to find any street parking other than scouring the side streets around the area; valet was 7 dollars.

The Belmont: Eat Drink Smoke - Amen!

When we first got in, I spoke with EJ (one of the waiters), and received some information about the place. During the week, the kitchen will typically close at 11 p.m., and is open about another hour after that on the weekend. He mentioned that the place next door is a trendy nightclub, so they (Belmont) typically get busier around 10:30 p.m. with the overflow from people who can’t get in to the other place. EJ also dropped some personal knowledge on me, saying that he ate at The Belmont on vacation, then a year later he moved to L.A. and had to work there because the mac & cheese left a lasting impression on him. That mac & cheese is fucking wicked, I will admit; I’m a big time mac & cheese lover, and theirs knocked flavor right on it’s ass. Did I mention they add in some delicious crab to their already perfect mac & cheese? Mmm…getting hard just thinking about it again.

Mouth-Watering Chicken Breast

When the food came, so did I. Holy shit do they have some fucking tasty grub. Our table was 8 strong, and all you could hear were “mmms” left and right; I had the chicken, someone else had the halibut, another person had the filet mignon…everyone was extremely satisfied. My mashed potatoes were beautifully-delicious, super-soft and creamy (yes, yes…too easy to add a metaphor); for Pete’s sake – even the asparagus was great! Quite literally I don’t remember the last time I had a $20 plate of anything that could get my nipples hard with excitement from anticipating every next bite. Most of the meals were in the $20 price range, with only the filet being in the $30s. If after we finished the meal, they decided to charge double for everything, it would have still been a value for the party in my mouth (and pants, of course) they provided. I didn’t touch any of the dessert, but from the facial reactions of the girls with us, and the fact that none of the dishes were left with enough food to discern what was once on them, I’d say the desserts were also amazing.

Instant Heart Attack

The restaurant has outside seating, a bar in the main room (where the majority of the tables were), and a secondary bar in a smaller, adjacent room. Our waiter was on top of his shit, and the wait from the kitchen was hardly noticeable. When we went, it was still a little Christmas-y, so they had lights hanging from the walls – one of them was dangling near one of my friends, and they did not hesitate to move them out of her way when I asked. During our meal, the music was a good volume, and whenever I noticed that there was music on, it was something I either enjoyed or could stand. Then they turned down the lights (11 p.m., roughly) when people started to focus more on getting their drink on than getting their food on, and it got loud with absolutely terrible music selections one-after-another. My guess is that earlier they played music off of CDs, and then their DJ showed up to ruin my perfect image of The Belmont. In any case, if you want a place to get fucked up with better jams, this place would not make your top five choices, even with the side bar acting as a rogue instigator to drinking.

The Belmont Main Bar

So to round out the evening, we worked our way over the side bar for a couple drinks (which is what it is there for, if I were to take a stab at their business plan). There was only one bartender, and no barback, so even though there were only 20 or so people in the area, the service was not speedy. From my perspective, the side bar died down considerably around midnight, and then got absolutely packed about half an hour later. To me, it was pretty strange seeing a literal sine wave of patronage, but then again I’m not a Hollywood person, so this might be par for the course. As I alluded to earlier, there was some choice puss in and out of this place, especially when the action picked up near the end of our stay. Our sole “celebrity” sighting was from no other than Cedric Yarbrough, who plays Deputy S. Jones on Reno 911!, who seemed to be a regular based on the connection I saw between him and the barkeep.

I'm a lover not a photographer, but this is the outside seating

I hate that The Belmont is in Hollywood, because if it were in the San Fernando Valley, it would easily turn into a regular spot for me. That being said, I do plan on going again in the future, which is HUGE for me to admit to. I gotta keep pushing my point that places are better off sticking to one thing they do very well, than stretching their expertise too thin. Luckily, The Belmont kicks major amounts of ass as a restaurant, so even though it sucks as a bar, there is still lots of reason to check it out. While there was plenty of puss and sausage to go around, I would not recommend going here to try to get your swerve on. If you want a fucking amazing meal, at a very reasonable price, then The Belmont is for you. Great for any dates, a place to start your evening, or if you’re looking to have a good meal in a relaxed setting. Enjoy!

Frost/Nixon is the latest film in the illustrious career of actor / director Ron Howard. Howard is slowly moving his way top the elite directors in Hollywood, but I really think he could have done more with such a powerful story. In my mind, this was an Oscar contender for picture of the year, but the film only showed flashes of brilliance that was not sustained throughout.

Frost/Nixon Film Poster

Frost/Nixon is a retelling of the true story behind a series of television interviews between David Frost (played by Michael Sheen) and former US president Richard Nixon (played by Frank Langella). The film starts out with actual news footage of the time, relating to the Watergate cover-up scandal. Frost is a talk show host with shows in Australia and England, and from what the movie depicts, sort of decides on a whim that he is going to interview Richard Nixon. He secures the interviews with Nixon after brokering a deal through Swifty Lazar (played by Toby Jones) for $600,000. On his flight to California, Frost starts flirting with the lovely Caroline Cushing (played by Rebecca Hall), who evolves into his right-hand bitch.

James Reston, Jr. (played by Sam Rockwell), Bob Zelnick (played by Oliver Platt), and John Birt (played by Matthew Macfadyen) do all the background work for Frost’s interview questions – they make up Frost’s “corner” – while Frost galavants around with Cushing to various events to rub elbows with big wigs and sponsors. Throughout the interview scenes, it really felt like a boxing match, with each fighter having their respective corner that they received aid from. In Nixon’s “corner” was Jack Brennan (played by Kevin Bacon), and Diane Sawyer (played by Kate Jennings Grant). Brennan was essentially Nixon’s main adviser, and wanted nothing more than the former president to have his legacy restored, and his name publicly cleared.

The Setting During one of the Interviews

In the film, Frost is depicted as a free spirit, almost like Austin Powers I would say, who really does not take these interviews seriously until the final stage, which revolved around the Watergate scandal. His major concern was insuring that he had a good time, and that the project would receive adequate funding, with small glimmers of actual concern about the quality of the interviews. Nixon is portrayed fairly accurately from what history says about him, as a somewhat charming, arrogant, long-winded, powerful man. Admittedly, I felt a bit anxious before the film went into the first day of filming the interviews, which is good – it is what they wanted me to feel after all this build up and preparation. The movie all lead up to the final interview – the Watergate interview – but the most powerful scene is a phone call that occurs the Friday prior to this final showdown.

Langella steals the show. From his Nixon accent, to his mannerisms and swagger, he did Nixon beautifully. Typically I am very weary when films actually show the face of famous / political icons, let alone when they have them in a leading role; the worry is always that the actor won’t be able to pull it off, and it will bring down the quality of the picture, but Langella knocked this shit out of the park. Rockwell and Platt gave strong and real roles aiding the Frost campaign, and Bacon was his usual brilliant self. These three gentlemen did a banging job in their supporting roles.

Nixon Waving to the Crowd Outside the Home where the Interviews were Held

The thorn in my side is the role of Frost – maybe it was just the character, maybe it was Sheen, or maybe it was a combination of the two – but this is where I think the film lacked intensity. Understandably, if that is how Frost acted in reality, then that is how he should be depicted in the film, but his character just didn’t do it for me. In my opinion, this role would have been better suited by a Philip Seymour Hoffman or Leonardo DiCaprio – with the right make up, they could have both easily pulled it off. Even though I understand it was the Langella / Sheen tandem that played the lead roles in the Frost/Nixon plays, Sheen just did not feel right for this. That being said, they could have cut out many of his “playboy” type scenes, and just honed in on the interviews themselves, but then you’d ask why would we need to see the film, and not just watch the interviews? I don’t have a good answer to this question.

Frost/Nixon was a let down in my book. Worth seeing, for certain, but you too may feel some of the wind knocked out of your sails when you get through it. It is a pity because there was the potential for greatness here, and it just felt like it bottomed out. The final point that I will bring up are the character interviews throughout the film. Occasionally there would be a cut scene where one of the characters in the film would fill in some gaps that the movie left out, but they didn’t use the real people from the event, they used the actors (in character) from the film. Why didn’t they use the actual people from the event? The people in these interviews were the people from the Frost corner, and they are all still alive – including Frost. Certainly it would be more expensive, but with this caliber of film you either go big or you go home.

Maxim Restaurant, an upscale Russian joint, can be visited at 531 North Fairfax Avenue West Hollywood, CA 90036, and you can reach them via telephone at 323-653-7820. Maxim Restaurant has valet parking available; street parking is doable, but not all that easy, plus you can’t show off your fresh whip out front. The restaurant has undergone new ownership in the past few months, as it was formally known as Palm Terrace. It is setup for parties over-the-weekend, with three price plans per person – $70, $90 and $110 – and regular dining throughout the week. If you are looking to dress up, dance to Russian / American live music, and eat well, then this could be the place for you.

Maxim Restaurant Front Exterior

Their menu is very diverse, and just about everything out of the kitchen is delicious, including a wide array of seafood. There will be some unrecognizable dishes to those who have never eaten Eastern European cuisine, but if you are open-minded about what you eat, you will not be disappointed (it is not like they serve baby or cow cock). I am personally a very picky eater, and I had no issue finding several dishes to indulge in. The way it is setup on the weekend is “family style” with a large variety of dishes, ranging from appetizers, salads, seafood, and some meat dishes.

Be prepared to dance with their live music, even though you will not understand much of what is being sung. The band plays some American songs, but it is predominantly Russian music. At Maxim Restaurant was one of the rare times I have seen Russian girls in Hollywood actually put their prude guard down, and have a fun time dancing in public. Needless to say, I was very happy to watch them bust their moves, if you will.

Hot Chicks Busting a Move Courtesy of this Band

There was a live show with a beautiful couple. The girl was extremely sexy, and her dancing ability really increased her sexiness by a factor of one million. Maybe two million. By the hooting and hollering from the female patrons, I suppose the guy was pretty attractive as well. I liked that they danced to American music, even though they were at a Russian restaurant, which probably means they perform at all kinds of locations; unfortunately I did not get their information, otherwise I would have posted it. Here is a video I took of one of their dance routines:

If you do go to Maxim Restaurant on a date, make sure it is with someone you care about, or someone that is definitely down to fuck because it is a bit pricey for dinner, but you do get a lot of value for your dollar. Definitely a fun and entertaining evening was had at Maxim Restaurant; good eats, fun dancing, a nice little show, and even though you will not understand most of it – good music. The building itself is decorated nicely, so remember to come dressed to impress like the asshole promoters in Hollywood like to say, or you will feel out of place. Guys you will not need a suit & tie, but a nice shirt and pants are a must, and all the women wear dresses. Sexy dresses. Mmm.

Interior of Maxim Restaurant Where Roughly 18% of the Magic Happens

Kind of a silly thing happened near the end of our evening, that really has nothing to do with the restaurant itself, but I figured was worth mentioning. For some reason, one of the groups had an actual fist fight amongst themselves as everyone was calling it a night. I tried to get some action of this, which was going well for about 4 seconds, but then some old, drunk douche bag tried to knock my camera out of my hand. More than likely he was with the group, but he should have kept his dirty mitts to himself, especially since my camera was about three weeks old at the time. You can hear my brother starting to go off on him in Russian near the end of the clip:

Cheers, bitches!

Vodka is why I Cry at Night

Saddle Ranch is located at 8371 W Sunset Blvd West Hollywood, CA*. Saddle Ranch is about four minutes away from ONE Sunset, on the Sunset strip, but unlike ONE Sunset, Saddle Ranch has a clear-cut idea of what they want to do. Saddle Ranch is a restaurant first and foremost, but they also have a bar where you can sit at, or just order from for your table. They have valet parking, which is only $3.50, which I recommend because expecting to find street parking will leave you stressed and confused. They have a really cool Western-themed decor outside and in, with a mechanical bull inside, and lots of sexy waitresses.

I should add they actually charge $4 for the mechanical bull, which kind of sucks. Nonetheless, the bull adds some good excitement to the atmosphere, and who doesn’t like to see hot girls giggling about and being tossed off a mechanical bull? They also have a pool table on the other end of the restaurant, near the bar area.

The food is a bit pricey, but keep in mind we are on Sunset, so they have that expensive rent to consider. From the general sentiment of our table (8 people), the food is pretty enjoyable, but this night, I did not have a meal. The other times I have been at Saddle Ranch, I always walked away satisfied from my meals, but the atmosphere and drinks certainly add value to the pricing. One of my buddies ordered a steak, and for a Western place, it was pretty dinky:

Corn and Mashed Potatoes make Steak their Bitch

This is my fourth time to this Saddle Ranch, and each time I have had a good time. This is a really fun way to have a good meal while drinking with your friends. Probably would make for a decent first date, although keep in mind it can get pretty loud with the music and commotion from the mechanical bull. If you take your significant other, I think that would work best. On the weekends, it is pretty packed, with lots of pretty people, and the great thing is you don’t feel compelled to have to “dress up”, as it is a relaxed / casual atmosphere. I also like that there is outside seating in front of the restaurant, and all along the side of the building as well.

What review of Saddle Ranch is complete without videos of girls riding the mechanical bull? You’re right – none. So here is a busty white girl to get the ball rolling:

For those that like the darker meat, here is a busty black girl, who could not contain herself while on the bull…she’s definitely a screamer, boys:

I have got to say that I really like Saddle Ranch. It is fun, exciting, and relaxed. Not the best place to pick up puss/cock, but it is possible…just more difficult than a regular bar/club setting. If you go on the weekend, there will be more girls in dresses that get on the bull, which almost always guarantees the girls ass will be on display. It seems the bull operator has it down to a science, so that if a girl gets on the bull in a dress, the audience gets a nice show. Delicious. Enjoy the good eats, fun times and up-beat atmosphere of Saddle Ranch.

*Note: there are locations in Universal City, CA, Glendale & Scottsdale, AZ, and Kansas City, KS.

Les Deux is a bar / club located at 1638 N Las Palmas Ave Hollywood, CA 90028. Let me start by saying this was not an easy place to find. It is about five buildings south of Hollywood boulevard, on the west side of the Las Palmas, but the entrance is inside of their parking lot. To be sure, it is a strange setup, but I am no longer mystified by the unique (often times mind-boggling) quirks of bars and clubs in Hollywood. Along for this wild ride were BehindtheHype.com’s very own Casey Cupcakes and Fierce Pussy. I guess if you are going to go to a Hollywood bar on a Monday night, what better way than with a couple beautiful friends?

Casey Cupcakes: Are you really that small?

Fierce Pussy: He really IS that small!

Les Deux is a deceivingly-large venue for two reasons. The first, and most obvious, is that most places in Hollywood just are not that big, and the second is just the way the bar is laid out. Looking at it from an aerial eye-view, it would look like a long rectangle. When you first walk through the entrance, you are at outside lounge area of the bar. There are booths, with tables, setup and a cute fountain in the middle. Personally, I do not think the fountain matches the theme of the place, but who am I to tell Hollywood how it should roll?

The Fountain Really Ties the Room Together, Dude

The outside area, which I suppose also acts as the “front” of the bar, if there needs to be a “front”, was by far the most crowded. This could be due to people wanting to smoke their cigarettes and weed, or merely because they were unaware there was more to this bar than meets the eye. Being the thorough reviewer (read: designated driver aka bored) that I am, I scoped out the entire place.

The Music is too Good to Dance to

There is a bar for the outside area which was super busy, but if you walk another five feet to the first segment of the building, there was another bar, which was much less busy. This first interior segment also sported booths/tables along the walls, and had some disjointed tables and chairs all throughout the middle portion of the room. The music associated with the outside area would be what you would listen to / dance to in this first room.

Awe & Slendor that is the Empty First Room

Now you continue walking, and reach a hallway. Being the master labyrinth-solver that I am, the bar’s maze was no match for me. This hallway joined the first and second rooms, and is also where you will find the doors to the bathrooms. Another thing that did not seem to fit, in my opinion, was there was a guy serving people in the men’s bathroom. Unfortunately, by “serving” I am not referring to 2-for-1 handjobs, but merely paper towels, gum, cologne, etc. This just did not seem like the sort of place that would necessitate having this guy there, nor do I think he sees much action. And by “action” I of course do not mean tips, and do mean 69′ing in the stalls.

The Minotaur is Hungry, so Make it Fast

Assuming you make it past the Minotaur, you are greeted by an interesting surprise in the second room. There is a live band playing in the second room, and the second room also has it’s own bar. I spoke with one of the waiters, Matt, and he gave me the skinny on the live band situation. Apparently there is only a live band on Mondays, which is when it is Rock night. Truth be told, while the live band was nothing special, the selection of music in the outside area was really good. For every night other than Monday, there is a second DJ spinning in the second room, and from what Matt tells me, the music is typically better in the second room. If the bar is not busy enough, they will usually close off that room, to artificially create a feeling of “busy.”

Owning a Guitar does not Make you a Guitarist, Chief

Besides the “front” outside area, and the two rooms inside, there is also a third interior segment, which is upstairs. The upstairs room is small, so it is pretty cozy, with a non-functional fireplace. Without trying to investigate the origin of the building for Les Deux, my gut instinct is they just retrofitted an old house into a bar. What makes me think that, beyond the fireplace, is that part of the upstairs section are floor-to-ceiling doors that overlook the outside area.

Space Cakes not Recommended in Upstairs Room

The part I liked most about the bar was that along the south wall of the building is a long walk-way that stretches from the the second room to the “front” outside area. I imagine this comes in handy if the bar is really packed, and you do not feel like swimming through a sea of people. Plus it adds an additional element of an outside atmosphere, so if it is getting too hot inside, or you just feel like some air, you can do so pretty easily. I should add that it was not hot inside, but it was also not packed at the time.

This is Where they Hide/Eat the Bodies

As I mentioned earlier, Monday is Rock night. Tuesday is Hip Hop night, and the rest of the week is a mix of dance music and top 40 hits. If this place was not in Hollywood, I think it would definitely be a cool spot for me to go to somewhat frequently. I am certainly not a Hollywood type of party guy, and there is little I hate more than having to get “dressed up” to have a good time. On top of that facet, I really cannot stand the sort of people that Les Deux draws in. Without coming off too judgmental of other people, let’s just say the Hollywood crowd was there in full effect, and I do not mix well with the Hollywood crowd.

That being said, if the Hollywood crowd is your thing, I certainly see no reason for you not to enjoy your time at Les Deux. It is a unique, huge venue, with good music, and a large parking lot connected to it. Sure, you have to pay for parking, but if you are lucky enough to find street parking (which did not take long, but we certainly did get lucky), then you are golden. It is a trendy place, and draws a pretty fake, pretentious, Hollywood crowd (could not resist some amount of judgment), that needs to wear dark sunglasses at 1 a.m. (indoors, no less). But like I said, if the Hollywood crowd is your thing – and you would who you are – then by all means check out Les Deux. For someone into places more like dive bars and lounges, stay far far away. If you would be into a mix of a lounge, and Les Deux, you might like ONE Sunset, which is also in Hollywood. Check out my review of ONE Sunset to see if it is more up your alley.

Think again if you think a night out with Casey Cupcakes and Fierce Pussy does not have some shenanigans involved. As we walk back to the car, Casey decides (under my direction) to steal the flag from the parking attendant. Unbeknownst to us, he saw as the crime went down, and quickly caught up with us. At least he was nice enough to take a sexy picture with the ladies:

The Threesome on the Sidewalk was SEXY

Do not expect an explanation for this closing video, because there really is nothing I can say that will make much sense of it. I just recommend watching it, and staying happily confused.

I will not go into what this event as all about at Les Deux, but instead I will leave that up to Casey Cupcakes’ up-coming article, as she was who invited Fierce Pussy and myself.

My movie review today is about the new comedy starring Simon Pegg – How to Lose Friends & Alienate People.  You will remember Simon Pegg from Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.  You will probably not remember him being funny in either of those films, which is understandable.  For about the first hour of How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, he had me fooled.  Along side Simon Pegg is the super fucking hot Megan Fox (who cannot really act worth a damn, but who gives a shit anyhow), Kirsten Dunst, and god himself, Jeff Bridges.  To give you an idea of how much I enjoy seeing Jeff Bridges in a film – I would gladly pay $12 to watch him jerk off for 4 minutes, and then sleep for an hour and a half.  Enough about me…

Simon Pegg Not Being Funny

The movie starts off with a voice-over from Simon Pegg, explaining that he owns “The Post Modern Review,” which is a pop-culture magazine that tells it like it is.  Similar to BehindtheHype.com, but we are much much funnier.  Much funnier.  His character aspires to make it to the big time as a Hollywood writer, and the big time (in the context of the film) is writing for Sharp’s Magazine.  Sharp’s Magazine is run by Jeff Bridges, who Simon Pegg looks up to because he used to run a magazine that did not believe in writing puff pieces – if a celebrity needed to be called out, they would be.  We soon figure out that Sharp’s Magazine does not follow in a similar tradition, and certain moral issues arise as a consequence.

After Pegg crashes a Sharp’s Magazine party, and causing all kinds of havoc, Jeff Bridges decides he wants to hire Pegg, and has him flown out to New York to start working for him.  Bridges’ character is a very no-nonsense type of boss, which conflicts with Pegg’s character, who is a very pro-nonsense type of fellow.  The title of the film is pretty accurate to Pegg’s character, as literally everyone he comes into contact with hates him right off-the-bat (save a really hot tranny, whose cock-n-balls make an appearance later in the film).  Kirsten Dunst is in the film to somewhat get Simon acclimated at Sharp’s Magazine, and they end up falling for each other.  On Pegg’s first day of work, he goes into the office with a t-shirt that reads “Young, Dumb And Full of Come”.

Megan Fox is the Wind Beneath my Wings

Megan Fox is a hot Hollywood actress (what a stretch!), who is trying to gain fame.  Her press agent, who is “in bed” with Sharp’s Magazine, is played by Gillian Anderson (who is not looking too good now that she hit the big 4-0).  The naughty secret is that all of Gillian’s clients get positive stories written about them (puff pieces), in exchange for her supplying Sharp’s Magazine with new exclusive content.  Her relationship to the magazine is where inner conflict builds for Pegg’s character.  Does he stick by his morals, or does he cave to make it big?

At first, Pegg was standing up for what he believed in.  He was gungho about telling it like it is, which meant hardly anything he wrote actually got published.  Finally, after some thorough pestering, Jeff Bridges gives Pegg the OK to write a piece digging into one of Gillian’s clients (director, Vincent Lepak).  My favorite exchange was after the article was submitted (and rejected) to Bridges.  Bridges essentially laid down the law, and explained to Pegg that in order for Sharp’s Magazine to continue being a profitable business, they had to “play ball” with Hollywood.  This led to a categorial shift in the way Pegg took to writing.  If he wanted to make it big, he would have to bite his tongue, and take it up the ass (figuratively, of course).  And he did.

Jeff Bridges Explaining His Monster Cock

At about this time is when the movie stopped being funny, and started being extremely sappy.  For a solid 30 – 45 minutes, we see Pegg transform from a spirited writer, to a worthless hack.  One thing leads to another and he keeps moving up the Sharp’s Magazine corporate chain.  A huge piece on Megan Fox really propells his writing career to the top.  There is some underlying fluff between Pegg and Dunst, which really did not do it for me at all.

There are plenty of funny moments in the film, but that just about stops completely with 30 minutes to go.  One big funny scene near the very end is the only memorable part of the second half of the film.  So if you are OK with an hour of funny, and 45 minutes of fluff, then How to Lose Friends & Alienate People is the film for you.  If, however, you like your comedies like you like your Asian hookers (cheap and always satisfying), then save your money and watch Office Space on DVD again.  The film was not terrible, it just was not funny enough in the first half to nearly forgo any humor in the second half.

Cool Hand Luke

PAUL NEWMAN HAS PASSED AWAY.

When I first heard the news, I literally gasped.

It wasn’t an ironic, forced or facetious gasp.  Nor did I merely utter a disinterested “gasp”.

A sincere gasp manifested itself as I stumbled upon the sidebar on IMDB while looking up cast info for Choke.

To say that Paul Newman is a great actor, wow, I guess I mean, to say Paul Newman was a great actor, is to say that Pope Benedict is kinda religious.

I don’t believe anyone, short of possibly Robert Redford could do this man any justice in remembrance, so I won’t even try.  There are many more experienced and talented writers/reviewers afoot that I’m sure would make these words, I type, seem like an insult to the legend.  Roger Ebert springs to mind.  He has a lengthy and undoubtedly in depth and informative article up on his site.  I didn’t dare read it beforehand as I was afraid it would shame me out of writing this piece.  That being said, here’s what I wanted to share:

I had the great fortune of seeing Cool Hand Luke for the first time the way it was meant to be seen, projected on the big screen.  I’m not old enough to have seen it opening night, but I was lucky enough to catch a revival of it at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood, put on by the American Cinematheque.  I was left in awe.  I wanted to be Cool Hand Luke / Paul Newman.  He said he could eat 50 eggs, but I didn’t believe him.  He proved me wrong though, and I would never doubt him again.

One of the many reasons I like John Cusack as much as I do is that in Serendipity he, or at least his character, claimed Cool Hand Luke as his favorite movie.  And then he went on to extol it’s virtues to an uninitiated Kate Beckinsale.  And while I don’t know it for a fact, I feel like this little bit of character exposition was taken directly from Cusack’s personal life.

But Cool Hand Luke was only one of a myriad of roles in which Paul Newman shined. He was able to out-grandiose Jackie Gleason in The Hustler. This was no small feat my friends.  Jackie Gleason was larger than life and commanded your attention.  Any single episode of The Honeymooners will attest to that.  And yet there was Paul Newman as Fast Eddie, with that mischievous grin of his, daring you not to be captivated.

The Hustler

Here is where I feel Paul Newman’s true appeal lies (for me anyway)…

The way I see it, Paul Newman was, is (it just feels wrong using the past tense) a cross between Jimmy Stewart the Everyman, and Steve McQueen the Badass.

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He was our very own Jimmy McQueen.  He combined the best of those two paradigm’s.  This makes him a paradox.  A paradox because you can’t be an everyman badass or a badass everyman.  You just can’t.  But he was.  He was the guy you’d want by your side in a fist fight, and he was also the guy you’d first call if your dog had just died.

But here’s the thing…it’s not just the myth or legend of Paul Newman that I’m a fanboy of, it’s the man himself.  I caught the “Redford on Newman” episode of the befittingly-titled Iconoclasts on the Sundance channel.  The amount of time and effort he put into charity work was humbling.

But why did he put his image on all of his Newman’s Own products?  Was it because of an ego the likes of which Oprah has never seen?  Nice try, but sorry, no.  It was because 100% of the profits go to charity.  It’s simple math really, the more Newman’s Own sells, the more money that goes to charity.  (Paul) Newman’s Own image sells ranch dressing and that was all the reason he needed to slap that glorious mug on every bottle/jar/can/jug & canister.

Rest in Peace Paul Newman.  Say “hi” to my Grandparents for me.  I’m sure you can speak Russian, can’t you?

Respectfully,

- Lenny

Hey there my pretty little chillun, and welcome to the second installment of my article. If you did not catch the first post, you can click here to read part one.  I hope that this article will give some people some insight into this genre of rock and moreover what rock is supposed to be and shouldn’t have been.  There will be plenty more preaching coming soon, so stick around…

What GY!BE do is quite deliberate.  This isn’t always the case.  For instance, take Explosions in the Sky. This band does not employ noise quite nearly as much as GY!BE, however there is a crushing monotony, a slow churning cadence to several of their albums.  In the absence of noise, they employ quietness, or something nearing it.  With this band, the voice of the song is expressed through tonecolor and dynamics.

Explosions in the Sky

Every single one of their songs crescendo from a barely audible twangy guitar, a lulling bassline, and a soft kiss on the high hat. They build the songs into auditory explosions, each instrument beaten so hard by its owners it becomes a wall of waves of articulated noise.

You can hear each instrument clearly, but when overlapping each other in a frenzy, it sounds like a tornado from 10 feet away.

To see this band live is heartbreakingly-intense.  It’s like watching four tragic love stories at the same time as they gently caress the strings of their instruments, the drum kit softly kissed by the drummers sticks, then suddenly falling violently upon them.  The destruction of the instruments, the wall of noise couple together to articulate a passion, fervor, and earnestness not seen in rock ‘n’ roll since the first proto punk bands stumbled onto the scene with nary a fucking clue about what to do with the instruments before them.  Yes, it’s very pretty to listen to, but that’s not the point.

The strong point of any Explosions in the Sky song never lies in the lilting guitars or the precise drumming.  It’s in the frenzy and fever of the climax when they can barely hold on to their instruments because their quite literally hitting them so hard.  At those moments do you find yourself lost in the storm.

The Mars Volta has gained the most success commercially out of all of these bands and has had the most deviation from album-to-album.  The two founding members of The Mars Volta were previously in a very competent punk band known as At The Drive-In, who had the potential (not unlike their predecessors The Refused) to single-handedly revive punk rock; as it stands, punks undead corpse continues to be whored out by Hollywood and Madison Ave.  That is a topic for another article however.

The Mars Volta

The Mars Volta’s punk roots are very apparent in each of their records.  They’ve mashed together a number of genres, including Progressive rock, Samba, Latin-Jazz, and metal.  I would argue that The Mars Volta had reached their climax with Frances the Mute, their last truly unique record.  Their last album, Bedlam in Goliath, was an exercise in masturbation, with Amputecture, their third album a harbinger of the dull, self-absorbed, sticky mess that was to come (no pun intended). I won’t discuss these albums in detail since they suck and have nothing to do with my point, directly at least.

So I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.  Following the Tremulant EP which only hinted at the potential of this band in its infancy, the band released De-loused In the Comatorium, very much a textbook example of a progressive rock album.  The primary and only really important difference is their approach to the formula.  The album begins with Inertiatic ESP, an intro to the fury of musicianship that is to unfold for the next hour.  The tracks melt right into each other with no pausing or stopping; this album has a narrative which isn’t surprising considering it had been based on a short story written by the guitarist.
However obtuse and cryptic the lyrics may be, the strength of the narrative, once again, lies in the frenzy and noise this band has managed to marry with competent musicianship. I’m not implying that this band intentionally tries to sound like they suck, but they understand that noise, when executed properly and within context, can be just as potent as any instrument. This is what was at the heart of the aesthetic of rock ‘n’ roll. These musicians just happen to know what they’re doing as well.

The fact that they are so pretentious and self-absorbed and unwilling to produce something that does not comply with their aesthetic is what allows them to reconcile chaos and order in their music.  It is the only thing that keeps them from creating something that may sound similar and just as good, but is in fact only an approximation of what is good and is strange and disjointed merely for the sake of being different and strange and disjointed.

Noise is Rock is Noise

Rock music as we know it is in a strange time.  It’s become a massive dust-bunny picking up the scraps of whatever commodious gimmick has passed through our pop culture collective.You can’t even tell what little insignificant speck of dirt started this whole snowball effect.Rock has become a disturbingly polished caricature of itself.

Indeed, rock is still a lot of dumb noise, but now it’s not saying anything.  It’s only trying to sell us something. If you’re gonna make some fucking noise, do it right.

These bands do it right.  Of course, if you don’t care for noise like I do, then don’t listen to me. I personally have not grown out of the childish lust for disorder and noise aesthetically, though many tend to.Understandably, many do not have patience for this music.  It takes listening, and it’s very very difficult at times.  Listening to these bands is a lot like losing yourself in an introspective nightmare during a bad mushroom trip.  Who needs all those bad vibes?  Well, I don’t, but these bands do such a good job I can’t help it.

When all of rock music has become a caricature of itself, a slick bombastic figure mocking the listener with its put-on charisma and swagger plastered across it like some cheap accessory, it’s pretty refreshing to see something that’s got just as much bombast, if not more and is at least earnest about it because it isn’t too self-aware for its own good.