The concept of sluts on Halloween is far from new, but while others appreciate the Halloween sluts, I tend to disagree. We all know that when it comes time to play dress up, women have a tendency to want to dress down. The less they can wear the better. That isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me is that they stole Halloween.

What is Halloween?

Does anyone eat this? Seriously.

Before the Halloween tradition was started, going around to your neighbors houses and demanding their food was considered thievery. Costumes were used so that people wouldn’t know who was robbing them. This all changed when the Candy Corn industry was born. Inventive consumers realized that if they kept their houses stocked with Candy Corn that no one would rob their houses, since not even the most desperate of people would eat it.  However, they also realized that if people didn’t buy Candy Corn after their initial purchase, there would eventually be no Candy Corn to repel thieves. And so, Halloween was invented to keep the Candy Corn industry strong. People give away their Candy Corn to the young as a reminder not to steal food or pay the consequences.

Sluts

Witches wear more clothes

Eventually, people forgot the true meaning of Halloween. They began to think it was a Holiday for children, and that adults weren’t supposed to participate in the Trick or Treating. As time continued to progress, it became weirder and weirder to see people over the age of 12 going out to get candy from their neighbors. The adults (who really just wanted to Trick or Treat) had to find something else to do. As usual, that meant booze, but they kept the costumes. As Peter Parker will tell you, with great booze comes great nudity, and eventually women would remove more clothing from their costumes as the night went on. Since this was so well received, they decided to skip the first step and just not wear much to begin with. Thus, Halloween sluts were born.

Why is this bad?

You might think this isn’t a big deal. After all, everyone loves a slut. But you’re missing the point.

1. By forgetting the original meaning, adults will never be able Trick of Treat. That means you won’t be interacting with your neighbors (who could be really hot) and you get less candy for free.
2. By encouraging people to be sluts on Halloween, we’re actively discouraging them from being sluts the rest of the year. Very, very sad.
3. Getting a girl to strip out of a costume into something nearly non-existent is half the fun of a party. If they start without clothes, there’s no challenge.

So, if you love sluts and Halloween, I suggest we take back the Holiday. Let’s encourage women to be sluts the rest of the year and bring back candy to our Halloween celebrations. Because if you don’t, eventually someone is going to rob your house and steal your food.

As has been the growing trend with Halloween, more and more girls dress like sluts. It seems like Halloween has turned into the mecca of all slut conventions, letting females from all walks-of-life release their inner slut to the world. It is in my professional opinion that all females have a tendency to be more on the sultry/seductive side, but society only allows them to really “let their hair down” in this respect, once a year for Halloween. Read Lenny’s thoughts on the subject here. In my quest to prove myself right, and have a good time, I went to three different parties for the Halloween weekend; I say weekend because we were fortunate enough to have the 31st land on a Friday, which meant parties Friday and Saturday night.

What I really liked is that even the week prior to Halloween, many people in Los Angeles were throwing parties, and dressing up in their costumes. My favorite run-in had to be when we went to the local Denny’s for terrible food at 3 a.m., after we got our drink on at Springbok. We were sitting at our table, waiting for our waiter to come by, and I noticed someone wearing a bunny suit outside. It looked like they were going to come inside the Denny’s, which was making me very excited, since it felt like guaranteed shenanigans were moments away. Don’t ask me why, but I knew the bunny would have meant guaranteed humor. So I started recording as the bunny came into the Denny’s:

Maybe if the guy in the bunny suit would have just waited until Halloween weekend, it would not have been as special, but I am glad he did. I would also like to note that the bunny outfit was considerably more creepy in person, than it appears in that video or the pictures below. I can’t really say that I am a huge fan of Halloween, and don’t really like to dress up, but the bunny incident and the sheer volume of Halloween sluts made it a really enjoyable experience this year. Hopefully next year will be filled with more shenanigans, and lots more Halloween sluts. I leave you with my images from Halloween 2008 – enjoy!

Halloween 2008 Images

This is not hyperbole folks…I’ve decided to be a generous bastard today and clue you all in on The Perfect Halloween Movie!

Let me first say, I’m not talking about a slasher flick here. This isn’t one of your Friday the 13th’s, or Nightmare on Elm Street’s, it’s not a Saw movie, or the titular Halloween itself, and it’s not even the first Scream film, though I do give Scream an honorable mention.

To be sure, there’s a time and a place for all the above movie’s I mentioned, however, ironically enough, Halloween is neither the time nor the place. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. Let me clarify…I was once at a Halloween party (yes, someone actually invited me to a party!), and they had the TV on with the volume on mute, and The Blair Witch Project was playing. In this scenario, a slasher type flick is the perfect remedy for what ails you. Random familiar images silently flashing across a screen…you’re walking past, you look over, you nod in appreciation, maybe you even stop and watch for a minute or two, but that’s it, no more than a minute or two.

You are at a party afterall, you don’t need to draw any negative attention to yourself as the guy sitting there intently watching a disembowelment with just a touch of drool at the corner of your mouth. Unless of course you’re trying to get noticed by an Emo chick. But if you are, you’re probably Emo yourself, and wouldn’t be at a party to begin with, so this is all moot, and back to what I said earlier, a minute or two, and no more!

But here’s the thing, sure, this year the day of Halloween itself actually falls on a Friday, but how often does that happen, it falling on a Friday or Saturday? I would say the odds are incalculable. What I’m offering you in the form of The Perfect Halloween Movie is something you watch (possibly) alone on the (lets say) Tuesday of October 31st. You’ve already partied your brains out on that previous Saturday, and your hangover has finally subsided. The last of the trick-or-treaters have come and gone, so here’s what you do:

You crack your window a bit to let the crisp Fall air in. You load your Dvd player. You turn off all the lights and you bundle up to both keep warm and “protect” yourself. Everytime the wind howls, it gives you goosebumps. You’ve set the mood. It’s time now, the atmosphere is ideal. You hit the “play” button on the remote and settle in for your first viewing of what will become a yearly tradition of The Perfect Halloween Movie! Have I piqued your interest? That Perfect Halloween Movie’s title? FRAILTY!!!

I could spend hours extolling the virtues of this film. It stars Bill Paxton (who also marked his feature film directorial debut here), Matthew McConaughey, Powers Boothe, and the true stars that really carry this film – Matt O’Leary and Jeremy Sumpter.

I don’t want to give too much away, but Paxton plays a single Dad who comes home one day and proclaims to his two boys, Fenton and Adam, that an angel has tapped him to do God’s work.

The sincerity with which Paxton delivers these words, would be laughable coming from any other actor. Paxton knows this character, he knows the man he is portraying and never treats him like the kook any of us would think he were, were he a real person.

And trust me, when Paxton produces the “tools” which the angel provided him with, you really do think he’s a kook.

Among the many things Frailty does right is that it never leans one way or the other in revealing whether or not Paxton is off his nut, or if he really is doing the Lord’s work. And it is this balance that is the basis of the story.

On the one side you have the eldest son Fenton, now with the weight of the world on his shoulders believing his father has gone mad, and trying to make his kid brother understand that what their Dad is doing is wrong.

Then on the flip side of that coin, you have Adam, the youngest son, who admires his brother, but idolizes his father and takes their new “job” to heart. He just can’t figure out why Fenton isn’t on board.

Like I said earlier, I don’t want to give away anymore, plotwise, but that doesn’t mean I’m done lauding Frailty…

This movie, tonally, is moody and highly atmospheric. There isn’t too much actual on-screen violence, so much as inferences to violence and it just sucks you in. It makes you feel for young Fenton and the inner turmoil he’s so obviously going through. He love’s his Dad, but it’s his job to protect his kid brother, first and foremost.

Frailty, if I had to categorize it would definitely fall into the “thriller” category, versus the “horror” category, but this story is titled “The Perfect Halloween Movie” and not “The Perfect Horror Movie.”

A film can be spooky and chilling without gore or horror, and Frailty is the prime example of just such a film.

I just want to set one thing straight before I go on, I am by no means denouncing horror film’s. I love a Dead film (Night of the Living…, Dawn of the…, Shaun of the…, and so forth) as much as the next guy, but I have yet to watch one that evokes in me the same level of, I don’t know, the same level of empathy that Frailty does for it’s protagonists.

And that to me is what Halloween is all about. You put on costumes to be/feel like someone (or something) else. Empathy!

Frailty is so good a movie that I lent it to a friend a few years ago and have never gotten it back (I’m looking at you Sharon, I don’t know where you are, but where ever it is I’m looking at you!).

And really, that should be the tag line: Frailty – so good you’ll want to steal it!

Honorable mention goes to:

The Orphanage…

This movie will creep you the fuck out!

…Sleepy Hollow…

Tim Burton = atmospheric, but campy.

…It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown…

I'll usually watch this earlier in the night, while the Trick-or-Treater's are still on the prowl.

…and as noted earlier, the original Scream…

You know you loved it!

You’ll have a great night with any of these, but chances are you’ve already seen Scream, you’re too cool for Charlie Brown (fyi – you’re not), you think Sleepy Hollow is silly, and you don’t want to read the subtitles of The Orphanage. So Frailty it is!

You can thank me in the form of a date with your sister…I hear she’s loose.

- Lenny

With the air becoming crisp, and the color of the leaves changing, we realize that October is once again upon us and Halloween is right around the corner!

So why does Halloween warrant it’s own article? Simple…Halloween really is a special time for most people who are far removed from the days where they didn’t have to worry about acting their age.

Halloween allows all the corporate drones to unleash their “Id” (as in Freud’s Id) for one night a year.

Halloween allows the frumpy librarian to become the Sexy Schoolteacher.

Can I stay after class?

It allows the buttoned-up school teacher to be transformed into the Sexy French Maid.

Not all things French are bad!

On this glorious night, the decidedly non-french maid gets to morph into the Naughty Nurse.

Helloooooo Nurse!

But more so, Halloween allows the tired, overworked & underpaid nurse to get sloshed and flash random strangers. Myself perhaps being one of said strangers?

Like this for example...

In a nutshell, it allows the ladies to unleash their inner whore, er, I mean slut. It allows the ladies to unleash their inner slut. Whores do it for money, sluts do it for fun. And God Bless them for it.

But Halloween is no cruel dogmata geared towards the womanly masses. Halloween let’s Joe Nobody be Joe Somebody. It let’s him be a Superhero, or a Ninja, or a Pirate.

This is a privilege not bestowed on common man since fourth grade, or, you know, since last Halloween.

And unlike ComicCon…

…with the right amount of Liquor, you might actually get to Lick ‘er (pun fully and proudly intended).

The force is strong in this one...

Unlike many of the the more mainstream holiday’s, and yes, I realize Halloween isn’t an actual holiday, though it should be(!), unlike the mainstream holiday’s, the only stress factor here is the fear that you won’t be the only Ironman at the party.

There's an ear to ear grin under the mask

Or that Patty from Accounting’s Sexy Firewoman, is sexier than your Sexy Policewoman.

Decisions, decisions...

There are no worries of how you’re going to pay for all those presents, or if you’ll even be able to get the presents that your family actually wants. I’m looking at you Christmas.

There is no anxiety over having to spend a long weekend with your estranged family, or arguments over whose estranged family you’re going to spend the long weekend with. That’s right Thanksgiving, I’m calling you out.

There’s no repentance filled fasting. Raise your hands Yom Kippur and Lent.

You’ll have no oxymoronic irony. Yes, Labor Day, I’m talking about you.

And Independence Day, don’t get me started with you. Just what exactly are you trying to be? Are you a day of hokey fireworks displays, or are you Darwinisn in one of it’s most deadly forms? Are you a day of family togetherness and patriotism, or are you a day to get shitfaced and vomit in your shoe?

And that my friends is what makes Halloween so great. It’s the one day a year you get to let your freak flag fly high and no one will say anything to you, generally because theirs is flying even higher.

On Halloween you get to relive your childhood for a few fleeting hours. It’s just one big day of fun. Remember how excited you would get as kid when Halloween would roll around? Picking out your costume, trying it on before the actual day. Not being able to wait until you got the chance to wear it out and show all your friends. Who doesn’t want that feeling again?

Halloween is a great time had by all and should be happily celebrated! Okay, except maybe if you’re this kid in the middle here:

- Lenny