I know it’s not really all that newsworthy anymore, but for those of you living under a rock the past three or so weeks…My wonderful, glorious, goddess Scarlett (that’s Ms. Johansson to you) has been ruined – by Van Wilder himself – Ryan Reynolds!

Absolute Perfection

It’s taken this long for my paralyzing shock to subside enough to permit me to venture a rant on this topic.

I hinted at it in my Guilty Pleasure post. But now, well, now Mr. Morissette has gone and done it.

How?! Why?!!

He’s somehow conned/scammed/blackmailed/hypnotized my precious into getting hitched.

My Precious

Speaking of which, Scarlett, Six Degrees of Separation here babe, but you’ve got Dave Coulier’s dick in your mouth.

He oughta know

Let’s play the game – Alanis Sucked Dave’s cock in a theater (I’m assuming movie, and not live, but who knows with these Canadians).

Not a single spot on this angelic face is untouched by Coulier Cock

Then she shacked up with Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, minus One Guy, A Girl, and the Pizza Place.

Hey guys, do you know what I call my house? I call it the tool box! Get it? Cause I'm a gigantic tool!

One can only assume they exchanged fluid in some way, shape, or form, thereby transferring Coulier Cock to Blade’s bitch.

And fingers crossed, hoping I’m wrong on this one…but I’m guessing Jailbait Hostess Fucker, Definitely, Maybe licked every square centimetre of your flawless, naked, dripping wet post-aroma bath body with that Dave Coulier Dick Remnant Encrusted mouth of his.

And thus, you’ve got Dave Coulier’s Dick in your mouth, or at least remnant’s of it.

I’m holding out hope against hope that this is all just some sort of publicity stunt like with Tom Theta-Clear Cruise, and the not nearly as desirable (as you my delectable Scarlett, or even as herself pre-Cruise) Katie Holmes.

I know you’ve got Vicki Christina Barcelona out in theater’s. I just don’t know what Too-Much-Hair-Gel is peddling. He doesn’t deserve you.

No mere mortal man is deserving

Ryan Reynolds?! I mean come on!! Are you gonna be Scarlett Reynolds now? That sounds like a fucken venereal disease!

Scarlett, you rock my socks. You are my Queen. I just can’t figure out why you married the jester…

The Queen

- Lenny