Thus far, I have discovered that there are many occasions in which I threaten impending death. “If that happens, I will die” has become one of my favorite overused statements. Here is a short list of some of the situations where I should have died, (but miraculously didn’t):

1. If I sit in traffic for more than 5 minutes
2. If I get a parking ticket
3. If he doesn’t call
4. If I’m late
5. If I walk one more step
6. If there is no more mustard
7. If I don’t get into Columbia
8. If I don’t book that commercial
9. If they forgot the hot sauce
10. If you make me drink that Orange Vitamin Water
11. If it rains
12. If it’s cloudy
13. If I don’t go to the bathroom right now
14. If I don’t get an A
15. If I get a C
16. If I can’t pay my credit card bill
17. If he farts
18. If my boobs don’t grow
19. If you eat the last chicken McNugget
20. If I fail my drivers test twice

I probably utter this phrase, once an hour, which means that I technically should have died about a million by now. Clearly, somebody up there likes me.

Coming soon:  “I will kill you if you…” reasons