I keep getting ads for penis enlargement. My penis isn’t the largest in the world, but I’ve never really wanted to make it larger. What would I do with that anyway? I can already have sex just fine. And, I know people have talked about the spam subject before. This isn’t what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is that if we’re going to make penii (the plural of penis is penii) larger, we’re going to need to increase penis density. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why.

Baseball bats

With a penis that can dent a train.

Have you ever been outside with a ball and just wanted something to hit it with? If you could increase the density of your penis, then you’d be able to use it as a baseball bat. Not only that, but like any other baseball bat, you could also use it to protect yourself. Imagine you’re walking to your car, and you get assaulted by vicious rabbits! With new and improved penis density increaser, you can now fight back. With your schlong.

Robbing people

Ever try to someone without a gun? It’s not the easiest thing to do. You can try to use your finger in your pocket and pretend it’s a gun. Sometimes that works, but mostly people can tell the difference. Now, if you use your dense penis, even if people don’t think it’s a gun, they’ll be too freaked out to do anything. It’s a damned good way to get money.

Attracting women

According to the advertising, the biggest use in enlarging your penis is attracting women. Everyone knows that’s completely ridiculous. No girl can actually see your manly parts, and so that hardly helps in attraction. It may be that you can get good references from girls you’ve had sex with, but that doesn’t help if you never get sex in the first place. Increasing penis density, on the other hand, will give your cockular area a gravitational pull. Girls will literally fall over you. Which will put them on their knees. Figure it out.

Side effects

It's big. It's heavy. It's wood.

Unfortunately, there are some side effects that come along with having a dense penis. For one, you will never be able to enjoy the oral pleasures again. Think about what would happen to the girl’s throat? And think about what happens with gravity and teeth. Secondly, I would not suggest swimming directly after use. Your penis would become an anchor. Though, on the other hand, if you’re Michael Phelps, it might just be good training. Other side effects include, never wanting to have a soft penis again. I mean, if you could use it as a baseball bat, would you ever want it for anything else? I wouldn’t. Not to mention the obvious side of effect of having one freakishly huge arm…

And so we end our discussion on the benefits of penis density. Enlarging, not so good. Endenseing (it’s a word!) is just fucking awesome.