As any psychologist will tell you, men have a need to quantify everything. Be it how many stars there are in the sky, or how hot a woman is, a man isn’t content until they can put a number to it. And while we’re still working on counting the stars, we’ve definitely got attraction figured out. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” To an extent, that’s true. But, fear not! Even taking that into account, there is a scale that every man can agree on.

Unholy Ugly – 1

This is a one.

The attraction scale, of course, goes from one to ten, and the lowest on the scale is a one. If you meet a one, you will probably be haunted for the rest of your life.  They are the things of nightmares, and chances are they aren’t human. A one might have a great personality, but you’ll never find out, because you’ll never be able to look at it. Fortunately, not many of these exist.

Pretty Damned Hideous – 2 and 3

Going up from this, we have the twos and the threes. Twos are questionably attractive. As in, you question whether or not they’re the proper sex. If you ever have to ask yourself if it’s male or female, chances are it’s a two. Threes are getting a little better. You’d date them if someone paid you a lot of money, but you wouldn’t be happy about it. Drug addicts and people down on their luck tend to end up with threes.

Okay, I guess – 4 and 5

Babies are mild deformities

If you’ve ever seen someone and said, “She’s all right, I guess,” chances are you’ve met a four or a five. While a five, by definition, is average looking, a four might still have some minor deformity. Maybe their smile is too big. Or they’re cross-eyed. A five, on the other hand, isn’t really that bad. If you’re unsure if the girl is a four or a five, ask yourself, “Do I need alcohol before I want to make out with her?” If you do, she’s a four.

Mmmm – 6 and 7

Sixes and sevens are arguably the most attractive of all women. They’re not blazingly hot, but they have a certain sense of attainability. The GND (girl next door) tends to be a six. Sevens are a class above GND, but still approachable. If you manage to bag yourself a seven, you’ll probably be inclined to keep her. At least, until you meet the next group.

Holy Hot! – 8 and 9

The Queen of Jordan is an 8. But she's a queen, so maybe she's a 10.

Here’s where I take a moment to say something really important. The attractiveness scale is exponential, much like the Richter Scale. That means a six is a hell of a lot more attractive than a five. It also means an eight is a rare find. If you found an eight in a store, you’d buy it no matter what the cost. A nine is even hotter than that. If you meet a nine, chances are you’ll forget your name, and that you have a wife. And then your wife will smack you… As an unfortunate side effect of being around a nine, if she does ask you out for a drink, you’ll be too dumbfounded to accept.

Indescribable – 10

As far as I can tell, tens don’t really exist. Some people think certain celebrities are tens, but they’re just not thinking straight, which makes perfect sense since both eights and nines can affect male intelligence. If you disagree, send pictures. I’ll be glad to look, but chances are you’re wrong.

Too much to read? Here’s a quick recap:

1. Die before dating
2. You’re not sure if it is a man
3. $200/date
4. $50 or lots of alcohol to date
5. Okay to date
6. Happy to date
7. Lucky to date
8. Distractingly hot
9. Leave your wife/girlfriend for her
10. Mythical

Of course, looks aren’t everything. Personality means a lot when it comes to deciding whether or not a person is attractive or worth your time. But, from a purely physical point of view, I think most (if not all) males can agree on this scale. As for a woman’s scale for judging men, it turns out they’re not really big on numbers. It’s been theorized that they use a poetic scale. In fact, it’s not uncommon to hear, “He’s as attractive as a moonlight on the summer sands.” WTF does that even mean?