Yesterday night I received an email from someone saying they’d like to write for Behind the Hype. There’s a lot of blah blah blah in the email – the usual writer sucking his own cock (I do the same) – and then I get to this:

So What's the Deal?

I have some experience with writing on the entertaiment industry because I write for a similar site, beyondhollywood.com.

I’m not just going to steal a writer off another site, so I go to BeyondHollywood, and shoot them an email finding out if this guy still writes for them, and what’s the deal:

Yo grand master funk,

I received an email today from a ****** *, saying he’s writing for your site, and interested in writing for mine. I’m definitely not about “stealing” writers, especially if he sucks.

You know what’s the story?

(Oh, and your contact form sucks. In FF it’s the “message” section is too wide and doesn’t wrap.)

Thanks!

Then I noticed something out of place. Someone is actually writing an article about a clip from Crank 2…? Instantly I think “Oh, this should be good” assuming the author is going to tear into it, especially considering BeyondHollywood’s tagline reads – Movie News, Reviews, and Opinions.

Now I’m bewildered – it’s actually a positive article about Crank 2 – and I quote “…rocking good clip.” The very same Crank 2 whose premise is:

He was dead…But he got better

So in the span of about six seconds, this guy proves he knows as much about movies as I know about yachting (roughly negative 10%), and on top of it all, the dumbass (Nix, that’s you, buddy) doesn’t know ANYONE in the clip he’s referencing. I try to give this dumbass (you again, Nixy-pooh) a chance to explain himself, so I leave a comment. You can read the comments there that prompted this post. Basically, Nixia shows that he knows as much about movies as Fox knows about news, but then he decides to top it all off by calling me a whiny little bitch. Fair enough.

Normally, if I decide to call someone a whiny little bitch online, it follows from knowing what the fuck I’m talking about – a school of thought Nixsten simply does not subscribe to. On top of not knowing a thing about movies, then getting butt hurt when I called him out on it, Nixopia owns BeyondHollywood. Odd.

I’m about to drop a little knowledge on you, Nixanie, so please take notes.

When you run a site that claims to be about movie news, and you post a movie clip, the very least you should know is who the fuck is in the clip. Next, I’d like you to actually have an opinion that is worth half a donkey’s dick, which boasting about Crank 2 clearly shows you are missing. Since you don’t get it, there’s only two reasons anyone watch this travesty of a film:

1.) They want Jason Statham’s dick in their ass or mouth.

2.) The scene that involves this:

Amy Smart Topless

Since the sequel hasn’t come out yet (with any luck it’ll go straight to DV), the best we can do is look at the reviews Crank received, and assume the apple will not fall far from the tree.

A couple legitimate movie review sites show Crank as getting some horrendous critical analysis. Who would have thought, huh? On Metacritic it averaged a whopping 57, and on RottenTomatoes it averaged an ground-breaking 60 – since I’m not sure you actually went to school, I’ll spell it out for you, Nixana: an F and a D, respectively.

Now we cut to today, and Nixelope responds to my original email with:

The contact form sucks, huh? Good God, man, do you ever do anything that doesn’t involve some form of bitching or another? Christ, you must be fun at parties. (“Hey, nice party, the girls are really hot and the beer is cold, but your doorbell doesn’t ring loud enough!”)

As for ******, he’s written exactly two articles for me. One on a Johnny Depp movie, the other on comedies that don’t suck. Read it on the site. Otherwise, I don’t know anything about him. Caveat emptor.

P.S. Don’t fucking come back to me bitching about it if you take him on as a writer.

Yes, your contact form sucks. It would take you two seconds to update the width so it doesn’t stretch so far off the page that it gets tucked underneath your sidebar in Firefox. I guess Nixlee is too busy going down on his advertisers to take some constructive criticism; I, on the other hand, appreciate when people let me know my site is having an issue. It’s called being a responsible site owner, which along with movie knowledge, seems to be another area Nixomie hasn’t the slightest clue.

Thank you, Nixopatra. Now I know where I can go if I want the film opinions of a prepubescent 13 year old with down syndrome.

Now kindly…

Go Fuck Yourself

Eat My Shit