The latest edition in this action series sees Jason Statham and Natalya Rudakova as the lead actors in Transporter 3. If they were going for “super annoying bitch” when they cast Rudakova, then they were spot on. Before I give a brief overview of the movie, and then proceed to tear into it, I should add that I enjoyed the first two Transporter movies, and knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I paid my 12 bucks to see it. I cannot stress enough how brief my plot summary will be, because I am just so excited at telling you exactly why Transporter 3 sucked extremely large donkey dick.

Transporter 3: More Jason Statham Flying

The jist of the movie is that some shady ass environmental company is trying to get a Ukrainian official to sign off on a project for them. In order for him to agree to sign off on it, they kidnap his daughter, Valentina (played by Rudakova), and need a driver to take her to the drop-off location. After the first driver failed, they force Frank Martin (played by Statham) to take on the task. In order to keep Frank honest, they rig his car with a sensor, and slap on a homing device on his wrist; if Frank is 75 feet away from the car at any time, the sensor on his wrist explodes and bye-bye Frank. All this time the Ukrainian official has his guys looking for his daughter, Frank tries to get rid of the bracelet, some cool fight scenes, and super fucking annoying love scenes / sequences ensue.

The fight scenes were a little few and far between, but when they came they were pretty good. If you have scene the other two movies, you know that Frank is always looking to keep his suit clean, so one of the cooler moments in an early fight scene was when he threw his jacket perfectly onto a nearby coat rack. Now that was p-i-m-p. There was an old school fight sequence when Frank went to his buddy’s shop to try to get the bracelet removed. The people forcing Frank to do this job were tracking him the entire way, and after they noticed he went way off course, they sent a bunch of henchmen to beat his ass. Luckily for you and me, they used the old ninja movie tactic of fighting him one at a time, which meant we got to see Frank kick each of their asses individually. Albeit unrealistic as all hell, the coolest chase scene was when they tried to do thee ol’ switch-a-roo on Frank, and substitute him with another driver (not removing the bracelet, of course). Frank used a manual bicycle to track down the car, and to retake control of it. Like i said, it was unrealistic, but it was fucking cool to watch. The car chase scenes definitely left something to be desired, with the exception of when Frank “had” to get on two wheels to split between two 18-wheelers.

What, You Don't Train to Fight with your Jacket?

Natalya Rudakova comes in second place for most annoying film character of the last two decades, only being beat out by the receptionist in Office Space. But the main difference is that Rudakova was super annoying, AND she was in half of the movie. Whether it was supposed to be her role or not, I lost all patience with her early on, and it was too distracting. She was this dumb ball of energy with an ugly accent, mangled English, and an overload of facial freckles. Whenever Rudakova interacted with Statham, they queued up this terrible love music – it sounded like a lullaby – and I just wanted to spontaneously explode, then reanimate when the scene was over. There was one love sequence that just went on for fucking ever – I’m thinking 15 to 20 minutes. I cannot talk enough shit about how terrible Rudakova was for this film, and how distracting she was from the movie’s overall success.

Putting Rudakova aside, the movie lost focus very quickly. The action and chase scenes were not enough to forget about the meaningless plot, as it did in the first two Transporter films. Nothing really good to take away from this, other than the Busta Rhymes song Bounce (Let Me See Ya Throw It), which is off of the Genesis album. Ladies, I know you want to see Statham without a shirt on, kicking people’s asses, but it’s simple not worth dealing with the rest of the movie. Don’t see this – don’t even think about seeing this. Fuck.