Lindsay Lohan Makes it to 27—Here’s 27 Things that Should Have Stopped Her

Published on July 2nd, 2013

Much criticism has been and continues to be thrown at Lindsay Lohan for her often reckless and deviant behavior. If she’s not being arrested for drug possession, she’s being accused of running someone over or shoplifting. But let’s take the time to consider the amazing circumstances by which Lohan has been able to even stay alive up to this point. It leads one to believe that, maybe, just maybe, she’ll beat the curse of 27 that seems to be looming over her.

1)      Being born in New York City

2)      Growing up on Long Island

3)      Having Michael and Dina Lohan as parents

4)      Being of Irish and Italian descent

5)      Becoming a Ford Model at the age of three and landing ad campaigns for Calvin Klein and Abercrombie

Child labor.

Child labor.

6)      Spending time with Bill Cosby to make a Jell-O commercial

Before she was finding for coke, she was fiending for Jell-o.

Before she was finding for coke, she was fiending for Jell-o.

7)      Acting in soap opera Another World at age 10

8)      Getting homeschooled (yes, the Mean Girls correlation is uncanny)

9)      Convincingly playing two people in The Parent Trap

10)    Acting with Bette Midler in a sitcom

Acting in the short-lived sitcom, The Bette Midler Show

Acting in the short-lived sitcom, The Bette Midler Show

11)    Acting with Tyra Banks in anything

Sinister.

Sinister.

12)    Agreeing to star in Herbie: Fully Loaded well past the appropriate amount of Disney movies a single actress should make

13)    Allowing Mattel to make a My Scene doll of her

The doll no longer bears a resemblance.

The doll no longer bears a resemblance.

14)    Voicing herself in an animated movie called My Scene Goes Hollywood, in which Barbie tries to sneak on Lohan’s film set to be an extra

15)    Smoking with asthma

No fucks given.

No fucks given.

16)    Making a second album after Speak

A Little More Personal (Raw) album cover

A Little More Personal (Raw) album cover

17)    Dating Wilmer Valderrama

Bad relationship choices.

Bad relationship choices.

18)    Living in the Chateau Marmont for two years

Terry Richardson photo shoot at Chateau Marmont.

Terry Richardson photo shoot at Chateau Marmont.

19)    Having a friendship with Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton

Bad influences.

Bad influences.

20)    Managing to be in a bad Robert Altman movie

In Robert Altman's A Prairie Home Companion.

In Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion.

21)    Guest starring on Ugly Betty after a series of car accidents, court sentences and failed movies

On Ugly Betty.

On Ugly Betty.

22)    Releasing a self-tanning spray

Self-tanning.

Self-tanning.

23)    Getting rejected as a spokesperson by the Obama campaign

24)    Pulling a Winona in 2011

25)    Appearing on SNL only to receive as many harsh reviews as Lana Del Rey

2012 SNL promo.

2012 SNL promo.

26)    Making a cameo on Glee

As a judge on Glee.

As a judge on Glee.

27)    Liz & Dick

On the set of LIz and Dick.

On the set of LIz and Dick.

So, as you can see, the girl deserves a little bit of credit for surviving after all these traumas, scandals and career blows. Here’s hoping Lindsay’s next twenty-seven years will find her on more of an upswing.

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