So if there's one question I hear way too often it is: how do I get my dick sucked? Well friends, I am more than happy to help solve this conundrum. After months (minutes) of research, I have compiled the end-all be-all list of surefire ways to get your dick sucked. Put these time-tested methods to work, and you won't need to dip into your spank bank quite as often:

Buy a New Printer

Chicks love printers, especially if it prints photos. For my money, Canon is where it is at, but don't think this is brand specific - it's all about the printer, not the name.

Let me Introduce you to your Ticket to Paradise

Suck Your Own Dick

If you can't speak from experience, how can you recommend it? You don't tell your friends to check out a new restaurant unless you've dined there already, so why should this be different? Plus, you might be able to find out what you really like, and guide her through the process.

Think about it.

Shave Your Balls

Ladies love smooth balls. There's nothing more aggravating than a chick getting ready to chow down on your manpiece, only to stop after she scopes out the organic planet growing around your nuts.

Sell Crack

You see it everyday - chicks sucking dick for crack - and it's not a new phenomenon either. Look back at videos from the 1980s, and you'll notice time and time again that women will just about suck the skin off your shaft for a little taste of sweet sweet crack. As you may or may not know, crack is highly addictive, so you're basically guaranteed to getting your dick wet (not to be confused with getting wet via PCP) as long as you can supply the good stuff.

Liberace Museum

Let's face facts: Liberace was the biggest pimp to ever live. If after visiting his museum, you don't get some inspiration that will directly result in dick-to-mouth resuscitation, then there is seriously no hope for you.

The Godfather of Getting your Dick Sucked

Start a Band

Better yet, just buy a drum set from Costco. Set it up in your living room (don't throw away the packaging) and bring the chick back to your place. She'll undoubtedly ask you to play, at which point you merely lie (too tired, neighbors get pissed if you play at night, etc.). Either way, dick will be in mouth. When all is said and done, kick her out of your pad, and put it back in the box. The guy at Costco will understand when you go to return it - believe me, he does it too.

Don't Shower

Chicks like real men. Real men work hard, play sports, and get their dick sucked. If you consider yourself a real man, but are not afforded the luxury of on-a-whim dick sucking, then your big mistake is that you shower. It is that musk of sweat, body odor and dirt that screams THIS DICK IS FOR REAL. Hook, line and sinker.

Blumpkins

So many girls are just chomping at the bit - waiting, hoping, praying - that you will let them suck your dick while you drop a deuce. Even so much as saying, "blumpkin" in their presence gets the party started; see how fast after you drop the B bomb tha their eyes light up like you offered to buy them a pony, diamonds, or crack.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

If there was an order to this list, this would surely be at the top. Nothing says, "come suck this dick" like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Something about their green skin, and love of pizza that makes the ladies just open wide.

Blowjob Magnet: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Pay a Hooker

When all else fails, do it like your daddy did, and pay for it upfront. As they say, there is no free lunch, so no need to get any hang-ups about it. You're paying for it one way or another (dinner, a show, crack), might as well make it tax deductible and pay for a session with a thorough hooker.

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Well, that's it, folks! Now go out there and make that dick proud!