10 Surefire Ways to Get your Dick Sucked

Published on March 20th, 2009

So if there’s one question I hear way too often it is: how do I get my dick sucked? Well friends, I am more than happy to help solve this conundrum. After months (minutes) of research, I have compiled the end-all be-all list of surefire ways to get your dick sucked. Put these time-tested methods to work, and you won’t need to dip into your spank bank quite as often:

Buy a New Printer

Chicks love printers, especially if it prints photos. For my money, Canon is where it is at, but don’t think this is brand specific – it’s all about the printer, not the name.

Let me Introduce you to your Ticket to Paradise

Let me Introduce you to your Ticket to Paradise

Suck Your Own Dick

If you can’t speak from experience, how can you recommend it? You don’t tell your friends to check out a new restaurant unless you’ve dined there already, so why should this be different? Plus, you might be able to find out what you really like, and guide her through the process.

Think about it.

Shave Your Balls

Ladies love smooth balls. There’s nothing more aggravating than a chick getting ready to chow down on your manpiece, only to stop after she scopes out the organic planet growing around your nuts.

Sell Crack

You see it everyday – chicks sucking dick for crack – and it’s not a new phenomenon either. Look back at videos from the 1980s, and you’ll notice time and time again that women will just about suck the skin off your shaft for a little taste of sweet sweet crack. As you may or may not know, crack is highly addictive, so you’re basically guaranteed to getting your dick wet (not to be confused with getting wet via PCP) as long as you can supply the good stuff.

Liberace Museum

Let’s face facts: Liberace was the biggest pimp to ever live. If after visiting his museum, you don’t get some inspiration that will directly result in dick-to-mouth resuscitation, then there is seriously no hope for you.

The Godfather of Getting your Dick Sucked

The Godfather of Getting your Dick Sucked

Start a Band

Better yet, just buy a drum set from Costco. Set it up in your living room (don’t throw away the packaging) and bring the chick back to your place. She’ll undoubtedly ask you to play, at which point you merely lie (too tired, neighbors get pissed if you play at night, etc.). Either way, dick will be in mouth. When all is said and done, kick her out of your pad, and put it back in the box. The guy at Costco will understand when you go to return it – believe me, he does it too.

Don’t Shower

Chicks like real men. Real men work hard, play sports, and get their dick sucked. If you consider yourself a real man, but are not afforded the luxury of on-a-whim dick sucking, then your big mistake is that you shower. It is that musk of sweat, body odor and dirt that screams THIS DICK IS FOR REAL. Hook, line and sinker.

Blumpkins

So many girls are just chomping at the bit – waiting, hoping, praying – that you will let them suck your dick while you drop a deuce. Even so much as saying, “blumpkin” in their presence gets the party started; see how fast after you drop the B bomb tha their eyes light up like you offered to buy them a pony, diamonds, or crack.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

If there was an order to this list, this would surely be at the top. Nothing says, “come suck this dick” like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Something about their green skin, and love of pizza that makes the ladies just open wide.

Blowjob Magnet: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Blowjob Magnet: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Pay a Hooker

When all else fails, do it like your daddy did, and pay for it upfront. As they say, there is no free lunch, so no need to get any hang-ups about it. You’re paying for it one way or another (dinner, a show, crack), might as well make it tax deductible and pay for a session with a thorough hooker.

—-

Well, that’s it, folks! Now go out there and make that dick proud!

Comments

  1. Posted by Spazarella on March 21st, 2009, 10:53

    RedMan! Genius! Easily the best top 10 of 2009. Personally, either the drum kit or the Canon would do me in…followed very closely by a guy touring the Liberace Museum in Ninja Turtle PJ’s. Can you hear that?…Yep! It’s suckin’! Mmmmm!

  2. Posted by Psych on March 21st, 2009, 14:12

    I have a printer…Does a rock band drum kit count? I got one of those too…Maybe, I should stop showering.

  3. Posted by bob on October 20th, 2009, 15:43

    tell us how to suck our own dick

  4. Posted by Lex on December 1st, 2009, 10:42

    Jus fuckn whip out ur cock an stick it in her face, she’ll have no choice but 2 start gobling ur rejected dick till it gets hard. Bitches love wen u take addvantage, so treat that lil whore wit a cockmeat sandwich, an dick slap her across the face (cheek 2 cheek) acouple of times.. remember make it count, bust aload in her mouth!

  5. Posted by richard k on March 1st, 2010, 12:53

    I’ll just call your dad

  6. Posted by Anna Marie on April 17th, 2010, 14:58

    Hi Im 23 and I was just looking to see if my bf wanted one. This made me sooo hot!!! I relize that I should cause it my duty to suck a dick becasue I love to!

  7. Posted by bob garcia on April 25th, 2010, 16:33

    they all work

  8. Posted by Tyler Nunyabusiness on June 10th, 2010, 16:38

    Wow… You straight guys never cease to amaze me with your ever-increasing idiocy. Let me elaborte: 1. A printer? really? Wow… what have you been smoking? 2. Sucking your own dick -Now, you ACTUALLY have a point there, I mean, I can do it, and practically everyone I know thinks it’s hot (except for the degenerates who pretend to be grossed out by it, simply b/c they want o/s to think that they’re “pure”… -pussies) but anyway… 3. Shave your balls? -Once again, I agree. -same situation as with autofellatio (self-sucking). 4. Sell crack? um… maybe if you want a skank, or a bitch with STDs, sure go for it. 5. Liberace museum?… I’m not sure who that is, but maybe you’re right? 6. Starting a band: excellent idea (although I don’t think that it guarantees you head) 7. Not showering? -Um, no go ahead and shower… -BUT, natural body odor and musk IS extremely sexy! -So just go over to your girl’s house after working out or something… 8. Is Blumpkins a card game or something? 9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… well yes, if you want nerdy girls (But don’t fret; there ARE a lot of hot female nerds out there!) And finally: 10. Pay a hooker? …Well they’re your balls. -If you want them to rot off, be my guest. -Hope any of this was helpful or whatever.

  9. Posted by Chris on June 20th, 2010, 21:21

    Hey ladies… If you’re reading this and want some dick in your throat… email me at mystuffisalso@gmail.com Cum suck me off! Peace, Chris.

  10. Posted by nahak on June 30th, 2010, 15:54

    an easy way to get your cock sucked is just to ask my wife, she rarely says no. in fact, you don’t even have to ask her. just take out your dick and leave it to her.

  11. Posted by In for one on July 8th, 2010, 12:16

    What’s her phone number, Nahak? Me and Mr. Johnson will be right over.

  12. Posted by ultimate gaylord05 on August 4th, 2010, 19:31

    ok so we no how to get r cocck sucked on by girls my god if u need advive just be gay everyguy loves a bj ok im getting my cocked sucked on right now by a guy and were both loving it omg it feels so good dont u want it right now im going to suck his dick al nightand imma fall asleep with it in my mouth if u suck on ur own dick u can suck on onother guys sure girlls r hot but so r guys hel i wont turn down a bj if anyone here nos how to get a straight guy in bed let me no cuz dieing to no how to get even more gay

  13. Posted by adam on August 27th, 2010, 13:57

    who wants to suck my cock i live in england u want more just contact me

  14. Posted by Lonnie Batt on August 28th, 2010, 04:01

    all you have to do is tell her you will eat her pussy and BAM she will suck you off in a second and allow you to blow your load down her throat….I guarantee you!!!!!!

  15. Posted by alex n on September 4th, 2010, 19:49

    these are all really good ideas, but i think the best one is what lex said. when you and a girl are all alone she already knows the buisness. so just whip that shit out and what is she gona say? no? ha! yea right

  16. Posted by matt on September 5th, 2010, 12:32

    BUY HER A NECKLACE, A COFFEE AND A NEW DRESS WHICH SPARKLES. always works. unnless she has a nut allergy.

  17. Posted by Ultimatesexjunkie on September 16th, 2010, 14:43

    All you got to do is tell her to suck your cock or you are going to ask your ex to do it. Then start to tell her how your ex sucked you up for 2 hours and that will work for sure. Well it does for me all the time.

  18. Posted by Big jim on September 18th, 2010, 14:25

    Open her mouth with your thumbs then insert your dick.

  19. Posted by Tiff. on September 21st, 2010, 17:00

    im a girl…And these ideas suck, i agree with “Lex” though ;)

  20. Posted by vikingcock on September 22nd, 2010, 09:49

    All you have to do is get her hand on your cock, get her to stroke it up some till it gets hard while you’re making out with her or something (rubbing her clit right now would be advisable)

    Then:

    1. whisper “suck it baby” into her ear
    2. put your hand on her back and start pushing down slightly (she’ll get the idea if you do it lightly even, you don’t have to sever her spine)
    3. stand up, grab your cock and stroke it some with the head near her mouth

    Don’t offer to eat her in exchange for head, that will A. make you look like a bitch and B. girls are supposed to suck dick anyways. We keep them safe, buy them ridiculious junk and have to put up with their bullshit going down on a fella is the least they could do. Act as if she dosen’t start sucking you’ll grab your shit and go find someone who will, afterall when the smoke clears bitches know who daddy is.

    p.s. also don’t let them know you’re dieing for some head, obviously let them know you want it but act like its no big deal but be stern enough to give her the impression that you may leave otherwise. chicks use stuff like “my boyfriend wants head really bad” as leverage, the less you inform her of the better off you’ll be.

  21. Posted by Labiamonger666 on September 22nd, 2010, 18:47

    Yeah, I agree with shaving your balls, becoming a musician, and offering drugs. The hooker thing should only be used as a last resort because there’s no thrill in hunting poon without the hunt, right? BTW, I got a girl to suck my dick simply by telling her that ingesting semen will help her look young and vibrant…girls buy into that vanity shit like you wouldn’t believe!!!

  22. Posted by Redmanthatcould on September 30th, 2010, 03:51

    Wow. I realized that this article is a year and a half old, and seemingly no one reading it (or I should say, commenting on it) got the gist that it’s completely satire.

    So that being said, I’m tired of reading these cybersex-esque comments, so comments have now been disabled. If you really want me to know how you retardedly feel about this article, feel free to email me.