Contributors
Behind the Hype has arguably the drunkest staff you will find on the internet today, and we challenge any other site that thinks they can put us under-the-table. When we put the bottle away (and the other forms of “relief”), we produce some relatively interesting reviews for you to read. Below you will find some short snippets about each staff member. If you want to find out about any particular hype-r, just click on a name and you’ll be taken to their small piece of this delicious pie.
Lenny
Lenny is a fucking asshole who hates every person, place, and thing under the sun - himself most of all, but quite assuredly you as well. His inclusion at Behind the Hype is further proof that nepotism is alive and well.
The Least Self-righteous Music Nerd You’ll
Ever Meet (and Resident Cockstar)
Dr. Jonathan C. Goodvibes
I first received my degree in Musicology from the legendary journalist and fellow music nerd, Professor. T. Ansel Jorgensen, founder of the Pasadena Writers Bootcamp (located at 1301 1/2 Front St.) I did my dissertation on the effects of the consequent waves of suck on the musical landscape which followed the formation of ABBA. After a few freelance gigs for some zines and a brief stint as a copy boy at SPIN (assholes), I landed this here gig working as the resident blowhard. You may find other articles written by other contributors here, but I assure you none will be as needlessly verbose or awesome as mine. When I’m not expanding the consciousness of all living souls on the subject of our current musical climate, I moonlight as a bartender at a local dive (if you live in Tijuana). I relax by trying to calm down my ever-increasingly unstable wife by feeding her psychotropic substances. I also enjoy a good game of Frisbee Golf.
Welcome to the Bake Sale: Spreadin’ the Pink Since ‘82
Casey Cupcakes
Alpha female. Stewed, boozed, tattooed. Writer, reader, geek. In love with Charles Bukowski, cream soda and the idea that vampires really exist. Stubborn, spontaneous, sincere, all sorts of hell on rollerskate wheels and high heels. A little bit Enid Coleslaw, a little bit Clementine Kruczynski. Here for: no holds barred, often disturbing social commentary. and outlandish outbursts when I forget to take my meds.
The Rhino-iest Teabag on ‘Dis Site
Teabag Rhino
Teabag Rhino, born in the back of a Bangkok rickshaw, was raised to be a little better than the guy next to him. He hates world peace and only loves some pieces of the world. Chickens shit when he passes, but that’s only because he loves chicken… mmm chicken… If you remembered his name, he’d forget yours. Women hate him and men would hate to be him. He’s a child on the inside but rarely spends time inside children. And instead of writing this short bio, he would rather be doing what he does best… procrastinating… oh yeah, and masturbating… but that can wait too.
Grand Empress of the Obvious and
the Purveyor of Darwinian Truth
Spazarella
Spazarella has tried not to earn the moniker…but there appears to be no getting around it. Passion, often mistaken for insanity, is the cause. The cure? Only time and psychotropic drugs will tell. Raised by schizophrenic Siamese twins, the multiple personality potential is endless. A Doctorate in Quantum Physics and a double PHD in Taiwanese literature and basket weaving, she is qualified to do absolutely nothing but provide thorough artistic analysis of contemporary television…and complain.
I’m Kind of a Big Deal…People Know Me
Meeper
Unlike my witty group of colleagues, I do not hold a masters in linguistic bullshit. Instead I thrive on simplicity, usually involving talking trash to you, your family, and loved ones. I spit verbal venom and those of you who are not careful will feel the laceration of my words for years to come. For no other reason than a strong sexual attraction for “theredmanthatcould”, I agreed to partake in these shenanigans known as Behind the Hype. Not only do I guarantee I am funnier than you, but also better looking, drive a better car, have a better job, date hotter girls than you ever will, and am pretty much superior to you in every way shape and form imaginable. I enjoy long walks on the beaches, puppies, rainbows, butterflies, and skipping through meadows. I am a sarcastic son of a b and if you can’t deal then I bid you adieu. Have a great day.
Love, Meeper
Redmanthatcould
I like having a good time with large-breasted women, who buy me things and follow the philosophy of “your wish is my command”. I can promise that I am funnier than you, but I most likely smell worse…we can’t be good at all things at all times, so I just pick my battles. When I am not - drinking, smoking, straight West Coasting - I like checking out new bars, watching men destroy each other in sports, and being entertained by quickly-moving pictures with sound. If you have any questions, comments, or want to write for Behind the Hype - please hit me up on AIM (screen name = Redmanthatcoud, duh!) or via email me.
I know just the thing to shut you up but my zipper is stuck…
The Professional Fat Kid
You know that guy that hangs out with all the cool kids, has the latest toys and fucks all the bitches? Yeah…That is NOT me…I am, however, that guy that you call when you want your things done right, want to induce diabetes and high blood pressure in a week, need help with disposing a body or require a ninja…I cherish honesty in its purest form and in its reduced form of sarcasm… If that means stepping on your toes, eating your snack pack, fingering your girlfriend, giving your dad a reach around or fucking your grandma (On your mom’s side of course), I’m already “in progress”… And please tell your mom to stop calling me…The devil’s three way was memorable, but it’s still awkward when your dad is still giving me the eye…I’m here to give you the skinny on the fat, the root of the philosophy that this site proposes to do…If you don’t enjoy my reviews on where to go for artery clogging culinary exploration, you’re a racist and you should get the hell out of my country…I may dabble in other areas to review, but I make no promises…
- Professional Fat Kid
More black flak than ze Germans
Flak
The name’s Flak. I’m a bit different. I really try not to be a problem, or make too much of a fuss, but somehow I still get the world to love me. Maybe it’s the smile, maybe it’s being tall dark and handsome, maybe it’s my way with words to you (and your girl too). To be frank, I joined the BTH team because I want to make sure that Red’s site here has an official token black hype man. Think of me as Public Enemy (minus Flava Flav) meets Denzel Washington meets Green Lantern meets Optimus Prime….you know, the black one.
Alabaster Skin Shines in the Harsh
Rays of the Disco Ball’s Light
Smoking Barrel
In a word: pale. Sometimes I think that my skin tone is comprised entirely of moon beams or some shit. I guess Los Angeles is the place for me based on my obsession with image. Like roughly 80% of every one else living here, I flocked to the city of fake tits and sunshine to become a screenwriter. Maybe that’s why I hate Diablo Cody so much. The screenwriter thing just fell from the sky and landed in the bitch’s lap. I do like Juno though, even in spite of the disgustingly emo soundtrack.
Why Come You Don’t Have a Tattoo?
Silver
I like to use my extensive vocabulary to impress strangers. I still get pimples. I don’t diet. I put things in shopping carts, but have lots of anxiety about going through with actual purchases. I like to write. I like to hear people compliment my writing. I have one fan, but his English isn’t that great. I’m living in Los Angeles. I am a hair model. I’m looking for that missed connection. I want 3 Obama commemorative plates, but the limit is 2.
Thea
Thea doesn’t judge people on their looks but is quietly judging your knowledge of music & overall zeitgeist potential. She can’t stand people who lack basik levels of intelegence and prides herself on being a thrift store hipster while secretly going into Urban Outfitters at wee hours of the morning for inspiration and gaudy bedroom decor. Her vacation home as a young child was in a solar powered community called “Stelle” Illinois, which may or may not function as a cult. Thea recently got punched in the face by some crazy bitch in a club called “The Fruit Loop” on the outskirts of Las Vegas and is still mourning this loss of youthful innocence. If you are remotely like Michael Cera in any way, hit her up.
Angel Orona
Angel Orona is the last of a dying breed — the Los Angeles native. Like everyone else in the city he is a screenwriter…unlike everyone else he’s had two feature films made (including the erotic thriller WILD FLOWER, available on Netflix — RENT IT!) He also works as a freelance story analyst and film critic (formerly of Hacker’s Source Magazine). He refers to himself as a moviehead and bleeds celluloid. And lastly, Angel has never been convicted of stalking Jessica Biel…just occasionally detained.
Traviesa Blanca: The Eye of the Tiger, The Heel of the Kitten
Mary-Go-Round
Mary-Go-Round was born on the Cyclone, but raised in an aquarium, which accounts for her gills and fear of hooks. She is also known as the Wonder Wheel and her mind has more cracks than the boardwalk. She was thrown out of the School of Hard Knocks for being too soft, and she graduated from Coney Island High with the other Dead Rabbits. She draws her inspiration from funny Englishmen (and women) and is constantly searching for the perfect overcoat. Her hero is the Princess who encountered a Pea, best known for being whiny and uncomfortable. She smokes light cigarettes, hates light people and will read, watch, and bitch about everything. She has two parlor tricks, never impresses anyone and will do anything for a cocktail. She tries to live by the words Be a Lion, but much prefers lamb.
All Your Base Are Belong To Us
Gunfart
I am a full privileged member of the Cosmic Relationships Church of the Greater Tortoise. They profess a doctrine, which encourages its members to, “Move ever so slowly in the right direction.” So I can believe and improve at my own pace. Which is a slow one. Perfect!
Although I have altered my diet to include 5 tablespoons of lard and adhere to a strict routine of whole milks, cheese and butter…I am sorry to report I am no closer to my ideal Welles weight. Please pray to your God for me in this regard.
Otherwise, I sit here all day with nothing but my Buck Owens CD’s and a smiley faced candle I call Cheryl. It tries to cheer me up and mocks me when I am angered…I keep setting it on fire, but that stupid smile never goes away. I think I shall try and carve it out of its face next.
Reverend A.K.
Reverend A.K lives in Long Beach, CA and subsists on a strict diet of cigarettes, whiskey, instant noodles, and green tea. When not indulging himself in his passion for data entry, he enjoys disc golf, philosophy, camping, reading, writing, videogames, meditation, and dishwashing. He is an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church and can meet all your spiritual needs for a modest donation. (Rates Vary.)
