‘The Gang Hits the Road‘ is about the gang taking a road trip to the grand canyon. On the way there they run into a disgruntled biker, stop off at the Italian market to barter with some gypsy’s, try to cook hot dogs in a mobile storage unit, and pick up a hitchhiker. The first ten or so minutes of the episode were a bit boring. It was basically just all five of them bickering and bitching. I mean, it was amusing just hearing them bicker, but they weren’t really saying anything particularly funny.

The second half of the episode is when it gets really hilarious. All the scenes at the Italian market were great. One moment in particular when Mac (Rob Mcelhenny) is explaining to Charlie (Charlie Day) how to eat a pear was classic, and the scene is punctuated with the line ‘I EAT STICKERS ALL THE TIME DUDE!’. Haha, oh Charlie, you fucking idiot. The scene with Dee (Kaitlin Olson) and the hitchhiker was also pretty funny. Their ‘name the states while you drink’ drinking game was great. Another good part was when Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and Charlie decide to light a fire inside of a small storage unit, which ends with expectedly horrible results. But the BEST part of the episode had to be the ending. You’re probably going to be able to guess what happens while you’re watching the episode, but I won’t spoil it. I’ll just say the comic timing and the camera work are pitch perfect. The ending seriously had me short of breath.

The most horrible people in the world

One thing I’m starting to notice though is how stupid Frank (Danny Devito) has become. He used to be the semi voice of reason among these selfish assholes. But now he’s become equally as stupid as the rest of the gang. It’s a bit annoying because now there’s no X factor among the five main characters. Frank used to add an extra dimension to the show but now they could honestly get rid of him and the show would be pretty much the exact same.

After a rather weak season opener I was starting to fear that Always Sunny was beginning it’s decline toward lameness. Thankfully though ‘The Gang Hits the Road’ eased those fears a little bit. It’s a funny episode. And while it’s not close to the best in the cache of episodes, it’s good enough to be called a “good” episode. And if all the episodes this season are as good as this one, i’ll walk away satisfied.

Like shooting fish in a wheel chair.

Practical joke shows are a hoot. Hell, just lying in general is fun. Which really, when you think about it, is all a practical joke is: a group of people coming together for the sole purpose of deceiving someone into believing something that they had no reason to doubt. Ultimately shattering their mark’s belief in the goodness of others, and making it impossible for them to ever trust another human being again, all for their own sick amusement and entertainment. And really, what’s more fun than that?

But prank shows have been fraught with tragedy throughout the years. Ed McMahon: dead. Dick Clark: might as well be. Even Ashton Kutcher it seems was unable to correctly answer the hobgoblin’s insidious riddles, forcing him to marry it. I believe this all to be even-handed retribution for their sins.

With the premier of Reality Hell on the Entertainment Exclamation Point channel we are presented with a Top Modelesque set up and introduced to an empty headed aspiring mannequin who wants so desperately to be a reality TV star, while seemingly having no concept of how these shows generally work. The reality format has been around for a couple years now, and since she auditioned for what she thought was a reality show, it would stand to reason that she had probably at one time seen one and would therefore understand that they customarily have more than four people competing in them.

All of which seems to indicate that this show, based entirely on lying to its contestant may also be lying to it’s viewers. For us to believe that SHE believes that this poorly set up scenario is a real reality show is a pretty tall glass of “reality” to choke down. Unless of course at some point I auditioned to be an audience member for a reality show not knowing that I was applying to be lied to, in which case, well played Punctuation Station.

Finally, we end (as all new practical joke shows do) with the clumsy awkwardness that is always the most entertaining moment of the program for me, as the host announces to their “star” that they have fallen victim to the diabolical cleverness of the evil geniuses of “Bingo and Stu’s Morning Zoo Crew”. Of course, with it being a brand new show that no one will have ever heard of before it doesn’t matter how loudly and excitedly you yell the name of the REAL show it’s not going to make someone who’s never heard of it understand any better. Especially when in the case of this show, it’s hidden within a fucking riddle.

“You have put me through hell, you have put my show through hell, and Kelly, you know what? We just put you through Reality Hell.”

“… I know, right?”

We all understand what’s going on, there’s no need to be cute, just come right out with it.

“We’ve just wasted thousands of dollars lying to you for no good reason on our brand new, soon to be canceled lie show: Reality Shmiality!”

“Oh… you guys are dicks.”

And we can all go home and get on with our lives.

Now, while I’m all for mocking people who want to be famous for no good reason, (I believe literally that’s all I’m for, that seems to be all I’m doing lately) when at the end of your show I feel more sorry for those involved with making the show than the jerk they’ve been screwing with, well, that’s when we as a species all lose. For realsies.

I like to think I’m a pretty good friend. And while there aren’t many to corroborate that hypothesis, I’m pretty certain that those you could find would back me up on that. So with that in mind, let’s get hypothetical.

Let’s say my very bestest friend that there is in the whole wide worldy, were laying in his death bed, wracked with pain, writhing in agony, only moment from the end of his tragically short life. And let’s further postulate that he were to ask me in a shaky, fragile whisper, as a final dieing request, that I do nothing more than simply sit at his bed side for an hour and watch with him home movies of the trip he took to Yosimestone National Tree Yard and Gift Shop with his family last Summer. And after making this oh so tiny request of me, his attending doctor leans over to tell me that by simply watching this video with my dearly beloved, nearly dead friend, it would somehow miraculously restore his vitality and grant him another sixty years of pain free, vibrant existence. With all of that hypothetically said I would of course, without hesitation, simply shake my head solemnly at the injustice of it all and gently hold my bosomest pal’s hand in mine, cursing that there was simply nothing that could be done differently, as the last wisps of life quietly slipped past his lips.

Great American Road Trip, hosted by Reno "Hey, aren't you Andy Richter" Collier

Which brings me to NBC’s Great American Road Trip. There’s nothing good about someone else’s vacation slides. Even if you try to tell me it’s a “reality competition” program for fabulous cash prizes and fire engine rides over the Mississippi river. It’s still motor homes full of people who aren’t me being recorded for no good reason and shared with the world for even less.

Great American Road Trip takes all of the best things about shows like Amazing Race, packs them neatly into a suit case and absentmindedly leaves it sitting on the roof of the car as it pulls out of the drive way, sending it sliding off the back and left laying in the middle of the road, unnoticed until someone goes looking for a bag of ratings or a bottle of viewer interest only to finally realize their tragic mistake. So rather than contestants with any sort of inspiring or interesting story or reason for being on your television screen, Great American Road Trip simply pulls seven stereotypes from a hat, stuffs them into a fleet of RVs and sets them loose on middle America.

Watch as the little Puerto Rican kids scream and whine over who gets the last gummy worm. Marvel at the hilarious regional differences as the family from Yonkers debates the Arkansas rednecks over the proper mispronunciation for referencing multiple people: “y’all” or “yous”. Be astounded by the ridiculously convoluted games based loosely around the American Presidential electoral system and debasing national landmarks like the St. Louis Gateway Arch, by treating it like a giant croquet wicket in the most painfully boring competitions ever conceived.

So ultimately the Great American Road Trip ends up being exactly like the Amazing Race. Except without the exotic foreign locales, or the compelling character stories and well thought out region specific challenges, or the Amazingness. Oh, and it’s not a race either. But other than that though, just like Amazing Race.

Well, I can finally check off another item in my dream journal y’all! This would be the one after grape flavored Twizzlers and just above monkeys that can control robots with their minds. That’s right, my wish for an episode of House as written by Diablo Cody has finally been fully realized in the form of USA Network Royal Pains.

Put some shoes on Doctor Casual Friday!

With Royal Pains, we meet a hip young doctor (played by Mark Feuerstein) who bucks the system and plays by his own rules. That is, until he is fired for letting an important money soaked VIP die while he is busy bucking the system and playing by his own rules. This loose cannon had the unmitigated gall to leave the VIP in stable condition, surrounded by (one would assume) competent, trained professional doctors, only to find him dead hours later when Dr. Maverick was miles away. Devastated by being fired and subsequently black balled from every hospital in New York for something that seems to me had to be someone else’s fault, Dr. Pouty slips into a Springer fueled depression, driving away his gold-digging fiancé who is infuriated with him for ruining her perfect life. Enter the “comic” relief: the brother. Wearing his coat of many negative Jewish stereotypes, he is here to save his down trodden brother with the power of cute little pithy dialogue and a dream vacation. And where else would a broke, disgraced, bleeding heart doctor go to unwind? Why, the Hamptons of course.

Upon their arrival, thoughtful brother Shecky manages to weasel them into a big money party – just dripping in G-rated debauchery – with the power of his indomitable smarm. Dr. Can’t be Bothered then proceeds to cock block himself like a pro, thwarting the unrelenting advances of a half dozen lady people who are helpless against the raw, animal magnetism of the most boringly ethical man in the world. Eventually he stumbles upon an apparent OD and proceeds to show up the local concierge doctor because he’s a super genius and rich people are bad and lazy.

The next morning, since we’re told “word travels fast in the Hamptons”, our Super Genius, Uber Scrupulous, Doctor Jesus, finds that he has overnight become the man to call for unscrupulous medical care in spite of his burning love of scruples. Dr. Messiah then spends the remainder of the episode flitting to and fro, saving a hemophiliac budget Justin Long and a leathery old socialite with a leaky boobie, all with the power of his whiny self-righteousness and carefully placed referential wit. Then, as the eternally grateful billio-twats try to reward the doctor’s efforts with blank checks, model airplane play dates and a literal bar of gold, he simply can’t object enough, because you see, he’s so much better than that. He wants nothing more than to go home and run away from all of this dirty money and stupid dumb gratitude. That is until a plucky young doctress at the local hospital strokes his ego and shows a little interest and for no good reason that’s enough to convince him to stay.

And with that I am one step closer to having all of my fondest dreams fulfilled. Now if someone would just invent a self propelled, fully automatic, pizza roll cannon, I could finally move on to page two.

Michael Westen sets out on his first assignment from Strickler, the man that could get him back in the spy business. The job itself is simple, take some pictures of an arms deal going down. This job tears what seems to be a permanent rift between Michael and Fiona.

The real gig, like in all episodes, is about someone completely random. So who is it this week? Barry, Michael’s out there money launderer. Apparently Barry’s new girlfriend conned him and took his little black book. It is where Barry is his ledger with all the names and amounts of the illegal accounts he opened for his connected clients. I guess the network wanted more Barry.

After dealing with the girlfriend Michael and Sam head to a house where the man in charge of the ledger sale is hiding out. Meanwhile Madeline watches the man Strickler wants photos of from a bingo hall. This plot line just fizzles out due to the whole Barry debacle. It was a great chance for Madeline to continue to grow as a character as she has done a lot this season. I guess interrogation is more fun.

Michael and Sam don’t find anything but luckily the mastermind Serbian operative, Milovan, and the Realtor hostage, Natalie,  return home just in time. They are taken to Sam’s vacation villa for interrogation. The weird thing about the whole storyline is that Michael does his, “I’m a spy I need to change my voice to act the part.” Sam does not and it just seems awkward.

They find out that Natalie has a son and Milovan is holding him hostage until the sale is made. Fiona plays best friend to Natalie and gets little out of her. Sam and Mike go find the third member of the team and discover they had it all wrong. Natalie is the one running the show and Milovan has his kids kidnapped. Which made me think that the woman who played Natalie is really good at this complex character.

The boys make it back to Fiona right as Natalie was uncuffed to go to the bathroom. Michael strikes Fiona shockingly to keep up appearances. This no doubt leads to the end of the episode where Fiona leaves Michael for good because of his trust of Strickler. They fake an escape for Natalie and tail her right to the ledger and nab it. Natalie gets away by hiding in a group of kids.

When will you ever learn Barry?

Fiona is the main focus of this episode eventhough she gets little screen time. Her gradual transformation towards this idea of Michael getting back in has come to ahead finally. The writers handled it very well. I think Fiona should have done this a few episodes ago. The poor coverage of Strikler mission was the biggest downside. Michael’s first mission on his way back and they brush it off. I know it was boring and tedious but I feel like they need to get more screen time for these missions.

Next week the season finale!

Have you ever wondered, while watching a finely crafted motion picture film or a dramatic television program presentation or even pretending to read one of those book things, “Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if they took one of the supporting characters not interesting enough to be featured in THIS story, and explored the origins of his uninterestingness?” If you have, then check your pants Trevor, ‘cause the debut of “Merlin” just filled ‘em.

Now I’ve seen a lot of fantasy and science fiction programming over the years so I understand the drill: social commentary and hot button issues, thinly disguised beneath period costumes and dialogue. Sometimes that works and the subtle message makes you think about the issue in a new way. Then there’s “Merlin”, who’s writers took no chances that their important message might be missed, stopping just short of naming the show “By Sorcerer we mean Homosexual”.

The neckerchief is a dead giveaway...

Young WB style Merlin arrives in Camelot just in time to see the beheading of a man accused of “sorcery”, kicking off the King’s celebration of 20 years of unmagification in the land. But rather than immediately turning around and leaving to a town perhaps more tolerant of his flamboyant lifestyle, Merlin skips on in and wastes no time in performing a little clandestine magic trick and kicking off the gay allegory.

You see, as we are informed many, MANY times throughout, Merlin didn’t choose to be a warlock, he hasn’t studied the magic books, he never dabbled in magic in college and he wasn’t recruited to the magic lifestyle by truck stop magicians in medieval rest stops looking for no strings attached magical times, no, you see, Merlin was born this way. He grew up in a small town and his mother, afraid that if middle ages rednecks were to find out that her son was “different”, might drag him behind their horse drawn pick-ups, decided the only solution was to send him away, to stay with a family friend, an old doctor, named, I shit you not: GAIUS.

After a brief encounter with a young douche bag Prince Arthur, where Merlin employs his mutant ability of budget telekinesis to a sound track of Pirates of the Caribbean studio out takes and leftovers, Merlin returns to Gaius’ home. Gaius tends to Merlin’s scrapes, barging into the young boy magician’s room and ordering him to remove his shirt so that he can be rubbed down with oils and they can talk more about how he was born this way. I wish I was joking.

“If I can’t use magic what have I got? If I can’t use magic I might as well die!” Merlin says.

Feel free to replace “use magic” with the funniest, crudest thing that comes to mind. I did.

Eventually, the episode wraps up with Gaius talking to an exposition dragon for no good reason and Merlin saving Arthur’s life from an attack by the “B” story. As a reward for Merlin’s heroism the grateful King rewards him with the job of the prince’s faithful man servant, or “bottom” as I believe the term is known today.

And while this show may be incredibly bad and probably canceled before I even finish this review I’m already looking forward to next Summer’s series about one of THIS series’ uninteresting supporting characters.

All of us have an embarrassing period in our lives where we looked and dressed like something that should be punched repeatedly in the face. If you’re not sure what I mean, I apologize for interrupting the sculpting of that magnificent faux hawk of yours. The point is that most of us grew out of that phase, and that our entire being wasn’t permanently defined by the single most ridiculous period in our lives. Unfortunately, for Stanley Burrell, he’s not most of us.

We of course know Stanley more commonly as a man literally 2 Legit 2 cease doing what ever it was he was doing at any given moment. So legit was he in fact, that the second the family friendly persona that bought him a gold-dipped mansion, high above Oakland, begin to fall out of favor, he immediately abandoned it in favor of a thugged out gangsta image in a desperate attempt to cling onto relevancy. And really, what’s more legit than pretending to be a street tough in order to pay for your grotesque opulence? But now Hammer is back with his latest display of unwavering legitimacy: a twitter sprinkled reality show, effectively combining two things that coveted demographics love with a star that fans of both have never heard of.

It's Hammert-DANCINGMAN!-me...

In catching up with the Hammersons, it seems that after buying everyone in Oakland a pony, then mysteriously finding himself with nothing left to show for 50 million albums sold, Hammer took refuge in Tracy, California. Ya see, Oakland’s cool and all when you’re young and buying diamond studded weed for your posse, but when it’s all over and all you have left are Addams Family movie residuals, it’s time to pack up the backup dancers and move it to Tracy. And now Stanley is just like us, with regular, every day problems that are just as boring and un-watchable as yours and mine!

It seems that Hammer’s middle child, Jeremiah, is struggling at school and brings home a report card with a D in mathematics. Stanley then visits young Jeremiah’s school for a conveniently timed “bring your father to work day” in which clever editing makes it look like the other children, in young Jeremiah’s class, hadn’t even the slightest idea who Mr. Burrell was or that they had any more interest in him than the electrician dad before him.

Following a brief consultation with his child’s teacher, which boiled down to “be active in the upbringing of your child, dipshit”, Stanley took young Jeremiah home and read him one sentence about the human rib cage; which resulted in a 90.9% on a test of the human skeleton a week later. How that relates to a D in math – I’m not entirely sure – unless the test was to count the number of bones in the human body, in which case it’s entirely relevant and I’m an asshole.

Ultimately, “Hammertime” is just another “slice of life” look at the every day exploits of the happy home life of a former celebrity, suitable for the whole family. Unless of course it’s not well received by the public, in which case it will suddenly, without warning and for no good reason, become a show about bitches and money on the mean streets of Tracy, California. T-ville all up in this piece, biZznatch! That is, if you don’t mind terribly. Thanks so much.

This week on Burn Notice Michael meets an old foe named Brennen (played by Jay Karnes), an arms dealer with a grudge. He isn’t alone though, he brought a notorious serial killer with him and has decided to ‘kidnap’ Michael brother, Nate. The setup is pretty clear, if Michael doesn’t do exactly what Brennen says, he’ll kill both Nate and Michael. What he requires Michael to do is steal several items; a memory chip in a secure building, the voice of a gun nut, and a mystery box from yet another secure building.

‘End Run‘ was by far the worst episode of Burn Notice I’ve ever seen. Its not bad enough the Brennen isn’t intimidating in the least bit, but the entire episode has Michael going around fucking with average, normal people. There really isn’t a bad guy per-se in this episode. Burn Notice has always been a show about wits, not action. So when Michael isn’t matching wits with anyone the show seems pointless. It’s like if Arnold Schwarzenegger made a movie about beating up retarded people, it’s just an unfair fight.

Michael Weston, AKA Macgyver 2.0

I will say the last ten or so minutes of the episode was decent. My complaint with the ending is the way Michael eventually defeated the Brennen. He just kind of walks away with out a real fight and it’s very anti-climactic. But as bad as this episode  was there were some slightly enjoyable moments. Michael acting like an inept, drunk janitor was really funny. And hearing him talk ignorantly about guns to a gun nut was also really funny.

Another complaint I had was with the story involving Paxton (played by Moon Bloodgood). What the hell is she supposed to be doing? She just walks in at random times trying to one-up Michael but Michael always ends up fooling and outsmarting her. Then 20 minutes later she returns only to get fooled by Michael yet again. She is retarded and useless. But she is better looking than Fiona, so I’m willing to give her another chance to get more interesting.

This episode was bad. Really bad. Burn Notice is better than this. Since the season premiere there have been 3 episodes and 2 of them were pretty stupid. If the show continues down this road then it may be the end soon.

Score – 4/10

This week on Burn Notice Michael helps a separated married couple get their child back from a kidnapper. The problem is the kid has already seen his kidnappers face, so the kid has to die. Michael decides the best approach would be to use a technique called reverse interrogation to find out where the bad man is hiding the kid. What happens is Michael pretends to be someone who knows something about the kidnapping/diamond heist. Sam arranges the kidnapper and Michael to be in the same room so the kidnapper can ask some questions to this mystery man who seems to know too much about his personal business.

Genius? Yes. Classic Burn Notice? Yes!

‘Questions and Answers‘ was great! It’s hilarious, clever, and extremely well written. Every character has a fair amount of screen time and some a lot of great character moments. Bruce Campbell and Jeffery Donovan have such great chemistry as Sam and Michael. The way they completely play the kidnapper is so great, so genius, and very entertaining. Michael is hilarious as a junkie, but Bruce Campbell steals the show as Sam playing a crooked cop. The ending is dark, twisted, and hilarious, it had me in stitches. Let’s just say a Mexican stand off goes horribly wrong.

There were some complaints I had. The main one being the serialized main story about Michael getting burned was rather uninteresting. A new female detective character who is trying to expose Micheal for what he is wasn’t very interesting, and for the most part was very forgettable. It’s obvious she is going to be future episodes so maybe the writers are just taking their time developing her character. Regardless, she was only is like 5 minutes of the whole episode, so who really cares about her?

Overall this was a fantastic episode of Burn Notice. I’m glad to see the writing, directing, and acting are as great as ever. The writers especially are absolute geniuses. They always seem to have a fresh spin on old ideas, even something as simple as a kidnapping. I love this show!

If there is one show on TV you MUST watch, it’s Burn Notice.

Score – 9/10

His name is Michael Weston, he used to be a spy. See, spies don’t get fired, they get burned. And when you’re burned you have nothing; no cash, no credit history, no employment history, and you’re stuck in whatever city your agency decides to dump you in (Miami in this case). To make money you take odd jobs and use your special ops training to right the wrongs of the world and fight for the little guy. Welcome, to the world of Burn Notice.

Burn Notice is a fantastic show and one of my most favorite shows currently on TV. It’s slick, clever, action-packed, and very funny. After two incredible seasons I was starting to fear the show may lose steam. After watching the third season premiere I can safely say, ‘I was sort of right’. It’s not that the ‘Friends and Family‘ was bad; it was just a bit underwhelming. After ending the second season on such great note I was expecting the third season premiere to blow my mind. But instead it was just another, same old type, of episode following the same story format as the preceding ones. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a bit disappointing.

From left to right; Michaels mom, Sam (Ash), Michael, and Fiona

This week on Burn Notice Michael has to deal with his new situation. No longer under the protection of his former employers Michael is now the target of all his former international enemies. After swimming for his life for five miles Michael ends up getting arrested by local cops. An ‘old buddy’ of his springs him out of jail, but only in return for his help. He needs Michael to kidnap a Spanish land tyrant so that he can be returned to his country and be tried in a court of law.

It’s the same old Burn Notice you’ve come to know and love. The story really isn’t anything to write home about; an extraction here, a kidnapping there, Michaels mom complaining, Fiona bitching him out, it’s standard stuff. There are some tense moments, like the rolling meeting Michael has with his target. And Michael’s persona as a nervous lawyer was very entertaining. There is a twist near the end which I won’t spoil but it’s fairly obvious, and anyone who watches the show will see it coming. ‘Friends and Family’ is just standard stuff for this show, it’s good but nothing great. But the last five minutes Michael says something that got me pumped for the rest of the season.

Overall, this was an average episode. It was amusing but wasn’t anything the show hasn’t done many times already. The writers could have made a really great premiere, but instead they stuck with the ‘if it aint broke, don’t fix it’ motto. I’m still excited for next week’s episode, but I’m afraid to say I think this is where the show begins to flat line. Not decline, just flat line, become stagnant.

But I hope I’m wrong!

Score – 6.5/10