The answer is a twofold yes and no. For anyone who has wondered why there is such a frenzied excitement about Mad Men‘s return to AMC for its fourth season, the furor cannot be explained if you have not seen it from the beginning. Unlike other acclaimed shows, such as 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, and The Office, Mad Men cannot be fully appreciated unless you start from episode one. In the season premiere that aired last night, we see that the show’s creator Matthew Weiner is relying on a lot of the same plot devices. And while that may be a minus in the column for novelty, it is definitely a plus in the column for consistently delivering what we expect of lead character Don Draper (Jon Hamm).

The men of Mad Men

After being freshly (well, somewhat freshly. The episode begins in November 1964, almost a year from the time of season three’s finale) divorced from his wife Betty (January Jones), Don wastes little time in reverting to the life of a bachelor, not that he wasn’t already behaving that way before. Except now, Don seems less enticed by the prospect of sleeping with as many women as he can, mainly because there is no element of danger to it any longer. The danger must now be artificially added (i.e. Don hires a prosty to slap him in the face while they get it on). Even so, Betty isn’t around anymore to catch him or condemn him for his affairs. Quite contrarily, Betty is totally invested in her new marriage to government aide Henry Francis. But if the season premiere is any indication, Betty’s current wedded bliss is about to come to an abrupt halt due to opposition from Henry’s mother and Betty’s daughter Sally.

The twenty-first century could never look this good

Where the new ad agency (the oh so easy to roll off the tongue Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce) is concerned, the executives are still relying heavily on Lucky Strike as their sole big billing client. This is where an extremely lame plot line comes in involving Peggy (Elisabeth Moss) and Pete (Vincent Kartheiser) paying two oldish ladies to pretend to get in a fight over some ham that comes in tin packaging (could 1960s culinary delights be any fouler?). Other than that brief subplot, everything centers around Don. Even the show’s opening has a magazine reporter asking lithely, “Who is Don Draper?” Don can’t really answer that question. And the truth is, neither can we. That’s probably why so many people are still addicted to the show. There has never been a TV character this unreadable. In one respect, Draper seems calculated and, as the reporter called him, like a “cipher.” But then there are times when all of those preconceptions have to be thrown out the Cadillac window.

Draper (far right) in a familiar, though uneasy, position of repose

The one notable area where the season premiere is lacking is in its sudden nonchalance about describing pivotal details about the year (in this case, 1964). One such example of this former nuanced knowledge of 1960s living was present in the premiere of season two, when the office is bowled over by the introduction of a copy machine the size of a small silo. But you would never know it was 1964 from the sex and the swearing and the absence of sexual harassment in the workplace. Fuck, they could have at least shown Don absently flipping through the radio and happening upon The Beatles’ “I Feel Fine” playing (that was the single they had just released on November 23rd). Or maybe Joan. That’s definitely a song she would listen to.

The Hitchcockian artwork of Mad Men

The only thing that seems certain about season four of Mad Men is that Sally Draper is going to turn fucking crazy (maybe even start having sex. Sure, she’s ten, but it’s about to be the Swinging Sixties), Don is going to start having even more bizarre sexual encounters, Peggy and Pete are probably going to admit they’re still into each other, and Betty is going to be tossed out like day old bread. Here’s hoping that Mad Men lives up to its seasons past and that all of my predictions are right.

Tonight is the end of an era.

After eight long years, FOX’s one really good show, 24, is coming to an end. After tonight, there will be no more convoluted plots, angry whispering and the phrase “you have my word” set to crises of international terrorist threats and political corruption. Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), after tonight, could finally calm down and go relax somewhere. On the flip side, if the writers really show off their skills, he could also end up dying, which would be appropriate, given the tone of this season. The collision course he’s been on the past few weeks, working his way up the line of (spoilers ahead if you haven’t been watching lately) evil Russians and corrupt ex-Presidents, with yet again every governmental official on his ass, all on a vengeful quest to avenge the death of the only real person he held close, should only result in a finale that puts an exclamation point on the absurdly dramatic and unbelievable journey that Jack has been on these past eight seasons.

I don’t normally write articles like this, about television shows and fictitious lead characters, but I feel compelled with 24. I’ve watched the show since its series premiere in 2001, and been enthralled ever since. It has never mattered to me that Jack should have died a million times by now, (somehow those bullets always manage to miss him). The plots of the seasons always seemed to revolve around one central attack on a major city or CTU (where Jack and his sometimes friends worked), and were usually carried out by some accented Middle Eastern terrorist type with the help of some corrupt white mole within one of the government agencies (or the White House itself! GASP!). Despite all this convention, and despite the couple of seasons that seemed to run out of creativity and rehash old plot ideas, I still watched Jack punch evil in the face every year.

Jack, back when he had emotions

Let’s get one thing straight. I know the pretense of this show is preposterous. It’s a show supposedly set in “real-time”, in which one episode is supposedly one hour in an excruciatingly long day. However, each episode is only 42 minutes long (thanks to commercial breaks), so it’s not really an hour. And what the hell happens in the three minutes between commercial breaks? Jack’s on foot chasing some dude around a mall, and the clock time flashes on screen, announcing “hey, we’ll be right back!” and when it comes back, three more minutes are gone and Jack is still running. Did he take a bathroom break? Did he stop to charge his phone or PDA, which never seem to fail/die/have bad reception? I have never figured this out.

Another thing that makes you throw any semblance of reality out the window is when someone on high says something like “hey, those CTU people are up to no good. Get one of your snippy, holier-than-thou high-ranking supervisor types to go down there and bark orders and make Chloe frown a lot”, and said supervisor person appears at CTU in like five minutes. Traveling is NEVER that easy, and yet it ain’t no thing in the world of 24. Things like phone reception, battery life, traffic, communication mishaps and general human bathroom needs are not relevant to the story. When someone tells Jack “I’m uploading the files to your PDA”, those damn files are on his PDA before the sentence is finished. No compatibility issues, no server downtime, nothing. BAM, download complete. When a CTU employee mashes the keys on a computer, intricately detailed and ridiculously complex schematics of floor plans, security cameras and 3-D grids of city streets magically show up on screen, ready for manipulation. Got an encrypted file with layered passwords? No biggie, Chloe O’Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub) can get around it in SECONDS.

the famous 24 split-screen clock time

Things like this always amused me about 24, and while it undoubtedly made some people say “hey that makes no sense, 24 is wack, this is ridiculous”, it just made me like the show more. It’s total escapism, taken to a sometimes cartoonish level.

Besides Jack, the show has had some pretty memorable characters during its heyday. That guy Bill Buchanan who ran CTU at one point and always came around with a stern look on his face was one of my favorites. When they brought him back in Season 7 and he was working outside the bounds of government (hell yeah) it was one of those “whoa he’s back???!!” moments that the show loves to do. They did it with Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard), too, and he brought back even more scowling and frowny faces, since he was angry at the US government system and all that. Jack’s daughter Kim (played by Elisha Cuthbert) existed to get caught by bad guys and add tension to the plot, and she was always nice to look at. She even came back this season briefly, and was immediately the target of bad guys trying to kidnap her again.

President Palmer, played by the guy currently in the Allstate commercials, Dennis Haysbert, was around since the beginning, delivering his lines with a sort of Morgan Freeman-esque power to them. Judging by history, 24 blazed the trail for Obama to become US President, since Palmer was a black president in the show. They now currently have a woman in the White House (played by Cherry Jones), so maybe that’s a sign of things to come?? (ew I hope not, given the options).

Anyway, back to real talk.

Jack always came under fire from some people for his torture methods that he used to get information out of shady foreign dudes and double-agents. “It sets a bad example”, “that’s just endorsing torture”, “that’s not how government agents should act”, etc., they said it all. Over time, the writers of 24 made sure that such actions, while obviously controversial, affected Bauer’s personality. He became cold, callous, and disconnected from other people, and at times seemed incapable of emotional reaction. Now, in the end, when things will finally come to a conclusion for the last time, he is caught up in a vendetta against those responsible for ruining any chance at happiness that he had. However, this situation acts as a moral consequence of his actions thus far in the show’s history. Anyone he has ever come close to has died, as a direct or indirect consequence of his deeds.

Jack was always very persuasive

His torturous, against-the-book means of dealing with enemies and bad guys caught up to him. Jack Bauer is a supremely flawed man, and the “ends justify the means” method that he once used has been proven false, since any concept of happiness has vanished from his life. He is a tortured soul, someone not meant to have any happiness, and while he ultimately works for the good of the country, he does so on his own terms. These terms, however, have put him in the situations in which he has been involved.

In the past 24 hours (haha) I’ve seen a ton of Facebook statuses, Twitter posts, and general feedback of LOST fans saying things like “I’ve felt honored to be a part of this show for six years”, “thank you for the ride” and things like that. While I gave up on LOST when its nonsense became too much to handle, I never gave up on 24. For that reason, I feel the same way with that show coming to a close tonight.

It’s been a long, eight-year ride, and I’ve enjoyed all of it. The show is not perfect by any means, but I don’t care. It’s sensational and overly dramatic, I fully admit that. It just worked for me.

Tonight may end with Jack dying, it may not. There may be a 24 movie down the line, there may not. I don’t really know at this point. All I know is that I will be watching tonight, eager to see what the writers have in store for us viewers who have dutifully paid attention all these years.

Speaking for myself, I’m grateful for the last eight seasons. It’s been a great ride, and I’m glad to have been able to enjoy it all this time.

Adios, Jack.

May 11, 2010 signaled a landmark in TV history: Daria was at last made available for purchase on DVD. It took all of eight years for the fat cats at MTV (though none of them are actually allowed to be fat if they want to permitted entry into the Santa Monica office) to take notice of the Daria revolution that has been afoot ever since the show ended in 2002. There has been an almost astonishing demand for this triple threat of sarcasm, wit, and cynicism to be released on DVD. Evidently, it was one of the top ten most sought after shows viewers wanted to see have an official release. Considering that Daria only had one friend on the show, it seems contradictory, but fitting vengeance against her Lawndale detractors, that she should have so many legions of devotees.

Remember the 10 spot? Those were the fuckin days, man.

A major reason for the show’s delay in being released was, naturally, all of the choice and very of the moment songs that peppered the entire series could not possibly be afforded if executives had any intention of getting the music licensing for all of it. We’re talking gems like Hanson’s “MMMBop,” Daft Punk’s “Around the World,” Monaco’s “What Do You Want From Me?” and a roster of Blur songs including “Country House,” “The Universal,” and “Song 2.” All proof positive that Daria was a show that reflected the 90s to an incredibly on point degree. Glenn Eichler, one of the shows co-creators and a proven genius based upon some of the episodes he has written, notes, “99 percent of the music has been changed, because the cost of licensing the many music bites we used would have made it impossible to release the collection (and for many years did).” Once again, you can never have your cake and eat it too. But for those impatient enough to buy the bootleg version (that would be me), meaning a business savvy fan who taped every episode and then converted each one to DVD using Dazzle, you, too, can experience every classic song the show has to offer.

Always standing apart from the crowd

But back to the lady amid all the controversy. After eight years of letting the show age, the question is, of course, does it hold up? Speaking objectively, fuck yes. Maybe it doesn’t address some of the more current, topical teen issues like meth, a new strain of STD, iPods and any other accoutrement from the Apple catalogue, Twitter and Facebook, progressively worsening music trends courtesy of Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Kesha, et. al., and being generally glued to a computer (but Daria definitely had something to say about that, even in 1997, in the episode entitled “Cafe Disaffecto”), but certain high school experiences transcend the boundaries of technological advancement. Namely total alienation and the practice of waiting for something better to happen.

Scene from "Road Worrier," one of the best episodes

There is just one little flaw Daria has that formerly contributed (sadly, the show doesn’t have much clout with influencing the current state of things) to dividing the female population into two groups: Girls who either fit into the Daria category, which is to say negative and unsightly, or the Quinn category, which is to say devoid of an original thought, but she’ll likely suck you off in the backseat of your car (but only if it’s a cool car). It’s sort of like the modern equivalent of the Madonna/whore concept. Which girl do you think will end up alone with nothing but her convictions to keep her warm at night? But the conundrum solidifies one of the recurrent themes of the show: High school never really ends. There is inevitably always something you will be outside of, not really a part of, and some asshole authority figure you have to listen to. And so, to conclude, I leave you with one of the infinite number of exceptional quotes from Ms. Morgendorffer and her only friend Jane. I don’t feel I really need to give you the context of the episode, suffice it to say that it was extracted from “Depth Takes A Holiday.”

‘The Gang Hits the Road‘ is about the gang taking a road trip to the grand canyon. On the way there they run into a disgruntled biker, stop off at the Italian market to barter with some gypsy’s, try to cook hot dogs in a mobile storage unit, and pick up a hitchhiker. The first ten or so minutes of the episode were a bit boring. It was basically just all five of them bickering and bitching. I mean, it was amusing just hearing them bicker, but they weren’t really saying anything particularly funny.

The second half of the episode is when it gets really hilarious. All the scenes at the Italian market were great. One moment in particular when Mac (Rob Mcelhenny) is explaining to Charlie (Charlie Day) how to eat a pear was classic, and the scene is punctuated with the line ‘I EAT STICKERS ALL THE TIME DUDE!’. Haha, oh Charlie, you fucking idiot. The scene with Dee (Kaitlin Olson) and the hitchhiker was also pretty funny. Their ‘name the states while you drink’ drinking game was great. Another good part was when Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and Charlie decide to light a fire inside of a small storage unit, which ends with expectedly horrible results. But the BEST part of the episode had to be the ending. You’re probably going to be able to guess what happens while you’re watching the episode, but I won’t spoil it. I’ll just say the comic timing and the camera work are pitch perfect. The ending seriously had me short of breath.

The most horrible people in the world

One thing I’m starting to notice though is how stupid Frank (Danny Devito) has become. He used to be the semi voice of reason among these selfish assholes. But now he’s become equally as stupid as the rest of the gang. It’s a bit annoying because now there’s no X factor among the five main characters. Frank used to add an extra dimension to the show but now they could honestly get rid of him and the show would be pretty much the exact same.

After a rather weak season opener I was starting to fear that Always Sunny was beginning it’s decline toward lameness. Thankfully though ‘The Gang Hits the Road’ eased those fears a little bit. It’s a funny episode. And while it’s not close to the best in the cache of episodes, it’s good enough to be called a “good” episode. And if all the episodes this season are as good as this one, i’ll walk away satisfied.

Like shooting fish in a wheel chair.

Practical joke shows are a hoot. Hell, just lying in general is fun. Which really, when you think about it, is all a practical joke is: a group of people coming together for the sole purpose of deceiving someone into believing something that they had no reason to doubt. Ultimately shattering their mark’s belief in the goodness of others, and making it impossible for them to ever trust another human being again, all for their own sick amusement and entertainment. And really, what’s more fun than that?

But prank shows have been fraught with tragedy throughout the years. Ed McMahon: dead. Dick Clark: might as well be. Even Ashton Kutcher it seems was unable to correctly answer the hobgoblin’s insidious riddles, forcing him to marry it. I believe this all to be even-handed retribution for their sins.

With the premier of Reality Hell on the Entertainment Exclamation Point channel we are presented with a Top Modelesque set up and introduced to an empty headed aspiring mannequin who wants so desperately to be a reality TV star, while seemingly having no concept of how these shows generally work. The reality format has been around for a couple years now, and since she auditioned for what she thought was a reality show, it would stand to reason that she had probably at one time seen one and would therefore understand that they customarily have more than four people competing in them.

All of which seems to indicate that this show, based entirely on lying to its contestant may also be lying to it’s viewers. For us to believe that SHE believes that this poorly set up scenario is a real reality show is a pretty tall glass of “reality” to choke down. Unless of course at some point I auditioned to be an audience member for a reality show not knowing that I was applying to be lied to, in which case, well played Punctuation Station.

Finally, we end (as all new practical joke shows do) with the clumsy awkwardness that is always the most entertaining moment of the program for me, as the host announces to their “star” that they have fallen victim to the diabolical cleverness of the evil geniuses of “Bingo and Stu’s Morning Zoo Crew”. Of course, with it being a brand new show that no one will have ever heard of before it doesn’t matter how loudly and excitedly you yell the name of the REAL show it’s not going to make someone who’s never heard of it understand any better. Especially when in the case of this show, it’s hidden within a fucking riddle.

“You have put me through hell, you have put my show through hell, and Kelly, you know what? We just put you through Reality Hell.”

“… I know, right?”

We all understand what’s going on, there’s no need to be cute, just come right out with it.

“We’ve just wasted thousands of dollars lying to you for no good reason on our brand new, soon to be canceled lie show: Reality Shmiality!”

“Oh… you guys are dicks.”

And we can all go home and get on with our lives.

Now, while I’m all for mocking people who want to be famous for no good reason, (I believe literally that’s all I’m for, that seems to be all I’m doing lately) when at the end of your show I feel more sorry for those involved with making the show than the jerk they’ve been screwing with, well, that’s when we as a species all lose. For realsies.

I like to think I’m a pretty good friend. And while there aren’t many to corroborate that hypothesis, I’m pretty certain that those you could find would back me up on that. So with that in mind, let’s get hypothetical.

Let’s say my very bestest friend that there is in the whole wide worldy, were laying in his death bed, wracked with pain, writhing in agony, only moment from the end of his tragically short life. And let’s further postulate that he were to ask me in a shaky, fragile whisper, as a final dieing request, that I do nothing more than simply sit at his bed side for an hour and watch with him home movies of the trip he took to Yosimestone National Tree Yard and Gift Shop with his family last Summer. And after making this oh so tiny request of me, his attending doctor leans over to tell me that by simply watching this video with my dearly beloved, nearly dead friend, it would somehow miraculously restore his vitality and grant him another sixty years of pain free, vibrant existence. With all of that hypothetically said I would of course, without hesitation, simply shake my head solemnly at the injustice of it all and gently hold my bosomest pal’s hand in mine, cursing that there was simply nothing that could be done differently, as the last wisps of life quietly slipped past his lips.

Great American Road Trip, hosted by Reno "Hey, aren't you Andy Richter" Collier

Which brings me to NBC‘s Great American Road Trip. There’s nothing good about someone else’s vacation slides. Even if you try to tell me it’s a “reality competition” program for fabulous cash prizes and fire engine rides over the Mississippi river. It’s still motor homes full of people who aren’t me being recorded for no good reason and shared with the world for even less.

Great American Road Trip takes all of the best things about shows like Amazing Race, packs them neatly into a suit case and absentmindedly leaves it sitting on the roof of the car as it pulls out of the drive way, sending it sliding off the back and left laying in the middle of the road, unnoticed until someone goes looking for a bag of ratings or a bottle of viewer interest only to finally realize their tragic mistake. So rather than contestants with any sort of inspiring or interesting story or reason for being on your television screen, Great American Road Trip simply pulls seven stereotypes from a hat, stuffs them into a fleet of RVs and sets them loose on middle America.

Watch as the little Puerto Rican kids scream and whine over who gets the last gummy worm. Marvel at the hilarious regional differences as the family from Yonkers debates the Arkansas rednecks over the proper mispronunciation for referencing multiple people: “y’all” or “yous”. Be astounded by the ridiculously convoluted games based loosely around the American Presidential electoral system and debasing national landmarks like the St. Louis Gateway Arch, by treating it like a giant croquet wicket in the most painfully boring competitions ever conceived.

So ultimately the Great American Road Trip ends up being exactly like the Amazing Race. Except without the exotic foreign locales, or the compelling character stories and well thought out region specific challenges, or the Amazingness. Oh, and it’s not a race either. But other than that though, just like Amazing Race.

Well, I can finally check off another item in my dream journal y’all! This would be the one after grape flavored Twizzlers and just above monkeys that can control robots with their minds. That’s right, my wish for an episode of House as written by Diablo Cody has finally been fully realized in the form of USA Network Royal Pains.

Put some shoes on Doctor Casual Friday!

With Royal Pains, we meet a hip young doctor (played by Mark Feuerstein) who bucks the system and plays by his own rules. That is, until he is fired for letting an important money soaked VIP die while he is busy bucking the system and playing by his own rules. This loose cannon had the unmitigated gall to leave the VIP in stable condition, surrounded by (one would assume) competent, trained professional doctors, only to find him dead hours later when Dr. Maverick was miles away. Devastated by being fired and subsequently black balled from every hospital in New York for something that seems to me had to be someone else’s fault, Dr. Pouty slips into a Springer fueled depression, driving away his gold-digging fiancé who is infuriated with him for ruining her perfect life. Enter the “comic” relief: the brother. Wearing his coat of many negative Jewish stereotypes, he is here to save his down trodden brother with the power of cute little pithy dialogue and a dream vacation. And where else would a broke, disgraced, bleeding heart doctor go to unwind? Why, the Hamptons of course.

Upon their arrival, thoughtful brother Shecky manages to weasel them into a big money party – just dripping in G-rated debauchery – with the power of his indomitable smarm. Dr. Can’t be Bothered then proceeds to cock block himself like a pro, thwarting the unrelenting advances of a half dozen lady people who are helpless against the raw, animal magnetism of the most boringly ethical man in the world. Eventually he stumbles upon an apparent OD and proceeds to show up the local concierge doctor because he’s a super genius and rich people are bad and lazy.

The next morning, since we’re told “word travels fast in the Hamptons”, our Super Genius, Uber Scrupulous, Doctor Jesus, finds that he has overnight become the man to call for unscrupulous medical care in spite of his burning love of scruples. Dr. Messiah then spends the remainder of the episode flitting to and fro, saving a hemophiliac budget Justin Long and a leathery old socialite with a leaky boobie, all with the power of his whiny self-righteousness and carefully placed referential wit. Then, as the eternally grateful billio-twats try to reward the doctor’s efforts with blank checks, model airplane play dates and a literal bar of gold, he simply can’t object enough, because you see, he’s so much better than that. He wants nothing more than to go home and run away from all of this dirty money and stupid dumb gratitude. That is until a plucky young doctress at the local hospital strokes his ego and shows a little interest and for no good reason that’s enough to convince him to stay.

And with that I am one step closer to having all of my fondest dreams fulfilled. Now if someone would just invent a self propelled, fully automatic, pizza roll cannon, I could finally move on to page two.

Michael Westen sets out on his first assignment from Strickler, the man that could get him back in the spy business. The job itself is simple, take some pictures of an arms deal going down. This job tears what seems to be a permanent rift between Michael and Fiona.

The real gig, like in all episodes, is about someone completely random. So who is it this week? Barry, Michael’s out there money launderer. Apparently Barry’s new girlfriend conned him and took his little black book. It is where Barry is his ledger with all the names and amounts of the illegal accounts he opened for his connected clients. I guess the network wanted more Barry.

After dealing with the girlfriend Michael and Sam head to a house where the man in charge of the ledger sale is hiding out. Meanwhile Madeline watches the man Strickler wants photos of from a bingo hall. This plot line just fizzles out due to the whole Barry debacle. It was a great chance for Madeline to continue to grow as a character as she has done a lot this season. I guess interrogation is more fun.

Michael and Sam don’t find anything but luckily the mastermind Serbian operative, Milovan, and the Realtor hostage, Natalie,  return home just in time. They are taken to Sam’s vacation villa for interrogation. The weird thing about the whole storyline is that Michael does his, “I’m a spy I need to change my voice to act the part.” Sam does not and it just seems awkward.

They find out that Natalie has a son and Milovan is holding him hostage until the sale is made. Fiona plays best friend to Natalie and gets little out of her. Sam and Mike go find the third member of the team and discover they had it all wrong. Natalie is the one running the show and Milovan has his kids kidnapped. Which made me think that the woman who played Natalie is really good at this complex character.

The boys make it back to Fiona right as Natalie was uncuffed to go to the bathroom. Michael strikes Fiona shockingly to keep up appearances. This no doubt leads to the end of the episode where Fiona leaves Michael for good because of his trust of Strickler. They fake an escape for Natalie and tail her right to the ledger and nab it. Natalie gets away by hiding in a group of kids.

When will you ever learn Barry?

Fiona is the main focus of this episode eventhough she gets little screen time. Her gradual transformation towards this idea of Michael getting back in has come to ahead finally. The writers handled it very well. I think Fiona should have done this a few episodes ago. The poor coverage of Strikler mission was the biggest downside. Michael’s first mission on his way back and they brush it off. I know it was boring and tedious but I feel like they need to get more screen time for these missions.

Next week the season finale!

Have you ever wondered, while watching a finely crafted motion picture film or a dramatic television program presentation or even pretending to read one of those book things, “Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if they took one of the supporting characters not interesting enough to be featured in THIS story, and explored the origins of his uninterestingness?” If you have, then check your pants Trevor, ‘cause the debut of “Merlin” just filled ‘em.

Now I’ve seen a lot of fantasy and science fiction programming over the years so I understand the drill: social commentary and hot button issues, thinly disguised beneath period costumes and dialogue. Sometimes that works and the subtle message makes you think about the issue in a new way. Then there’s “Merlin”, who’s writers took no chances that their important message might be missed, stopping just short of naming the show “By Sorcerer we mean Homosexual”.

The neckerchief is a dead giveaway...

Young WB style Merlin arrives in Camelot just in time to see the beheading of a man accused of “sorcery”, kicking off the King’s celebration of 20 years of unmagification in the land. But rather than immediately turning around and leaving to a town perhaps more tolerant of his flamboyant lifestyle, Merlin skips on in and wastes no time in performing a little clandestine magic trick and kicking off the gay allegory.

You see, as we are informed many, MANY times throughout, Merlin didn’t choose to be a warlock, he hasn’t studied the magic books, he never dabbled in magic in college and he wasn’t recruited to the magic lifestyle by truck stop magicians in medieval rest stops looking for no strings attached magical times, no, you see, Merlin was born this way. He grew up in a small town and his mother, afraid that if middle ages rednecks were to find out that her son was “different”, might drag him behind their horse drawn pick-ups, decided the only solution was to send him away, to stay with a family friend, an old doctor, named, I shit you not: GAIUS.

After a brief encounter with a young douche bag Prince Arthur, where Merlin employs his mutant ability of budget telekinesis to a sound track of Pirates of the Caribbean studio out takes and leftovers, Merlin returns to Gaius’ home. Gaius tends to Merlin’s scrapes, barging into the young boy magician’s room and ordering him to remove his shirt so that he can be rubbed down with oils and they can talk more about how he was born this way. I wish I was joking.

“If I can’t use magic what have I got? If I can’t use magic I might as well die!” Merlin says.

Feel free to replace “use magic” with the funniest, crudest thing that comes to mind. I did.

Eventually, the episode wraps up with Gaius talking to an exposition dragon for no good reason and Merlin saving Arthur’s life from an attack by the “B” story. As a reward for Merlin’s heroism the grateful King rewards him with the job of the prince’s faithful man servant, or “bottom” as I believe the term is known today.

And while this show may be incredibly bad and probably canceled before I even finish this review I’m already looking forward to next Summer’s series about one of THIS series’ uninteresting supporting characters.

All of us have an embarrassing period in our lives where we looked and dressed like something that should be punched repeatedly in the face. If you’re not sure what I mean, I apologize for interrupting the sculpting of that magnificent faux hawk of yours. The point is that most of us grew out of that phase, and that our entire being wasn’t permanently defined by the single most ridiculous period in our lives. Unfortunately, for Stanley Burrell, he’s not most of us.

We of course know Stanley more commonly as a man literally 2 Legit 2 cease doing what ever it was he was doing at any given moment. So legit was he in fact, that the second the family friendly persona that bought him a gold-dipped mansion, high above Oakland, begin to fall out of favor, he immediately abandoned it in favor of a thugged out gangsta image in a desperate attempt to cling onto relevancy. And really, what’s more legit than pretending to be a street tough in order to pay for your grotesque opulence? But now Hammer is back with his latest display of unwavering legitimacy: a twitter sprinkled reality show, effectively combining two things that coveted demographics love with a star that fans of both have never heard of.

It's Hammert-DANCINGMAN!-me...

In catching up with the Hammersons, it seems that after buying everyone in Oakland a pony, then mysteriously finding himself with nothing left to show for 50 million albums sold, Hammer took refuge in Tracy, California. Ya see, Oakland’s cool and all when you’re young and buying diamond studded weed for your posse, but when it’s all over and all you have left are Addams Family movie residuals, it’s time to pack up the backup dancers and move it to Tracy. And now Stanley is just like us, with regular, every day problems that are just as boring and un-watchable as yours and mine!

It seems that Hammer’s middle child, Jeremiah, is struggling at school and brings home a report card with a D in mathematics. Stanley then visits young Jeremiah’s school for a conveniently timed “bring your father to work day” in which clever editing makes it look like the other children, in young Jeremiah’s class, hadn’t even the slightest idea who Mr. Burrell was or that they had any more interest in him than the electrician dad before him.

Following a brief consultation with his child’s teacher, which boiled down to “be active in the upbringing of your child, dipshit”, Stanley took young Jeremiah home and read him one sentence about the human rib cage; which resulted in a 90.9% on a test of the human skeleton a week later. How that relates to a D in math – I’m not entirely sure – unless the test was to count the number of bones in the human body, in which case it’s entirely relevant and I’m an asshole.

Ultimately, “Hammertime” is just another “slice of life” look at the every day exploits of the happy home life of a former celebrity, suitable for the whole family. Unless of course it’s not well received by the public, in which case it will suddenly, without warning and for no good reason, become a show about bitches and money on the mean streets of Tracy, California. T-ville all up in this piece, biZznatch! That is, if you don’t mind terribly. Thanks so much.