Disclaimer: This guide to curing depression has no medical facts, accuracy, or real value. Please do not try this at home.

Disclaimers are mostly unnecessary in my line of work. If you believe anything I’ve ever written, you probably shouldn’t be reading. This is an exception though, since I’m writing from the heart. You all know what depression is. Everyone has been visited by this at some point in their lives. Here’s how to solve it.

Step 1: Isolation

The first step to dealing with depression is isolation. Some people think that friends are good for helping you through depression. This is true, but a person is unlikely to remain your friend if you’re a whiny bitch for an extended period of time. Depressed people are whiny bitches.  If they’re not whiny, they’re still not fun to be around. In either case, the solution is isolation. If you’re depressed, stay away from anyone you care about, and they’ll still be your friends when you’re no longer depressed. It’s a genius solution.

Step 2: Distraction

The second step is distraction. I’m not talking about ordinary types of distraction. I’m talking about super distraction. You need to find an activity that consumes hours on end AND that you’re really good at. Unnaturally good at. By doing something that you are really good for an extended period of time, you will repair your self confidence. Make sure that you can’t fail at this activity. If you’re an ice skater and you trip, you’ll just get more depressed. A good suggestion is masturbation. You probably can’t fail at masturbation, and you can do it until you’re no longer depressed.

Step 3: Find your Happy Place

Once you’ve sufficiently distracted yourself, you can find your happy place. Your happy place is where you can leave all the stresses of life behind and reconnect with the awesomeness that is you. Remembering how awesome you are will instantly cure your depression. My happy place is two girls making out in a grassy field. Yours is probably the same. While envisioning your happy place, let the calm flow over you, and remember that life is as beautiful two girls making out. With this thought in place, you’ll be able to smile again. Depression cured.

Sunshine, Rainbows, and Unicorns are the opposite of depression.

In the Christian tradition, there exists a time each year when you have to give up your favorite thing for 40 days. This time is called Lent, and it’s basically the opposite of Christmas. The purpose of giving up what you like most is to increase your spirituality. While I’m not entirely sure how not texting people gets you one step closer to Heaven, the theory intrigues me. Thus, I present to you, my list of things you can give up for Lent.

Toilet Paper

Ever wipe your ass with sticks and leaves?

It’s the little things in life that are actually our favorite things, though we don’t always recognize it. Small things make a world of difference, and toilet paper is one of those things that I just would not want to live without. I might spend all day in front of my computer, but if someone asked to choose between the internet and toilet paper…well, I can’t wipe my ass with my keyboard.  (Or at least, I wouldn’t want to.)

Sense of Security

You might not realize it, but your sense of security is exceedingly important to living a mentally stable life. This, of course, makes it a perfect candidate for something to give up.  To accomplish this, simply don’t lock your doors. Not knowing whether your car will be stolen or your house will be robbed will teach you to appreciate that sense of security. If that’s not enough, you can spend time in alleys or hang out with people of questionable origin.

Your Organs

Giving up your organs for Lent actually accomplishes multiple things. Not only are you giving up something extremely important to you, but you’re also helping someone else. This is a double win spiritually, and might be an auto-Heaven. (An auto-Heaven is when you’ve done something so good, you automatically go to Heaven. The opposite would be an auto-Hell.) That being said, you should probably not give up any vital organs.

Contraceptives

The best invention of all time.

When I write guides, I always try to list things in order of significance. The choice between organs and contraceptives was a difficult one, but really, I’d rather lose a kidney than gain a baby. There are two options for this. You can either stop using things that prevent pregnancy (birth control pills, etc), or you can stop using condoms. Obviously, not using condoms is much, much worse since you risk the chance of STDs.

Jesus

Finally, for the truly hardcore, you can give up Jesus. If you are a Christian, there should be nothing you love more in life than Jesus, and so to give him up is truly the greatest sacrifice. You might think this is counter-productive to trying to increase your spirituality, but you’d be wrong. After all, can you really understand the grace of the Lord until you’ve stopped basking in his glory? I think not.

It’s a brand new year, and that means it’s time to make New Year Resolutions that will last. While you could try to lose weight or be a better person, I’d advise a slightly more achievable approach. What is that approach you ask? It’s committing the Seven Deadly Sins, all year long. Now, you might be afraid of going to Hell if you follow this plan, but I’m here to tell you why it’s okay to commit the sins. In some cases, it’s even beneficial.

Pride and Lust

Seven Deadly Sins

Anyone who wants to defend the Seven Deadly Sins needs to start where everyone will agree: pride. All Americans will agree that when you do something well, you should be proud of yourself. It boosts self-esteem. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. It makes life worth living. Really, there is nothing wrong with being prideful at all. It is one of the best things you can do, and more importantly, when you’ve done very well for yourself you start attracting people. It’s unfair to lead people on, so when you attract them, it is important to have sex with them…which leads us to lust. Remember, if you don’t have sex with people, they’ll lose self-esteem and pride, and we don’t want that. Sex is an act of giving, and you should give to as many people as you possibly can. (But always wear a condom.)

Envy and Greed

Ben knows the score.

Moving on, we have envy. Envy is our little green friend that results from not having enough little green friends. Envy gives us something to strive for in life. Where would we be if we didn’t know who we wanted to emulate, or who’s stuff we wanted to have. If we didn’t know that there were people with Aston Martin’s, would we really want to work? Envy keeps us working towards the betterment of ourselves and mankind.

But, it can’t end there. We also need to be greedy. After all, there is no such thing as a good life, just new standards. Once we have our sports cars and high definition televisions, we can start thinking about the things that really matter – better sports cars and bigger high definition televisions. Our very economy would collapse if we were ever content with what we had, and so greed plays a very important role in our lives.

Gluttony and Sloth

Gluttony is the backbone of America. We must consume, for the good of people everywhere. It’s the basis of our economy and why we’re all overweight. Most importantly, gluttony is delicious. Gluttony is about consuming, and it doesn’t have to be food. You can be a glutton with anything. Having a lot of sex or watching a lot of TV are good ways to start. However you decide to do it, at some point it’ll bring you to sloth.

Sloth is what we really lack in our country, and it’s my favorite sin. People never take enough time to relax and reflect on the world around them. Sloth alleviates the want to work, the will to do, and puts us in a place where we can properly gaze upon the stars and just be. It is very easy to be slothful, once you’ve learned the trick. Just do anything in excess (gluttony), and you’ll be too exhausted to do anything but relax.

Wrath

As you can see, sinning isn’t clear cut. Anything that seems bad can be astoundingly good for you. But, we haven’t discussed wrath, and this might be the toughest sell. After all, not many people will want to accept the role of rage in their life. However, the benefits of wrath are many. First, wrath will give you the backbone you’ve always wanted. Not only that, but it’ll make people fear you, and everyone knows it is better to be feared than loved. Finally, we can revive righteous anger. If you don’t know what righteous anger is, it’s when you murder someone who types “u” instead of “you” or when you slowly dismember someone for typing “lol gud to c u 2, u owt this week?”

Remember that anyone can make a New Year’s Resolution, but not everyone will choose the right path. The Seven Deadly Sins will help us with our self-esteem, through pride and lust. Envy and greed will help us achieve our goals. Gluttony and sloth will reward us when we have done well. Wrath will keep us passionate. Is there really anything else a person needs to live a fulfilling life?

Music pollution is an omnipresent and inescapable poison in the world. It is a devious and treacherous thing that people don’t often think about even as it is affecting them. Consider the negative emotions that spawn from hearing the first song you ever experienced with your former significant other, or the anger you feel when someone is blasting a genre of music that you hate. Music is everywhere…and deadly.

What is Music Pollution?

Music = Noise!

Music pollution comes in many different forms.  It can be loud music that stops you from hearing the person next to you. It can be Christmas music assaulting you while you shop. It can be a song that distracts you from homework, studying, or anything else you need to do. In all cases, music pollution is a sonic invasion that you would have rather avoided.  Any time you want silence and there is sound, you have music pollution.

Effects of Music Pollution

Music pollution has many negative effects. The most important of these is the disruption of communication. Places such as bars will usually have music, and many of them have it at high volumes. While this may be intended in order to make men and women rub up against each other in order to talk, it can be very unwanted. If you have a group of people in a room, the last thing you want to do is shout all night long in order to communicate.

A secondary effect of music pollution is that it can change emotions. If you’ve ever worked in retail during the holidays, you know the complete torture that comes from listening to the same 20 songs for 8 hours a day. It gets significantly worse during Christmas. This repetition can lead to anger and hostility, and left unchecked, it can turn the best of workers into a mass murderer.

Seriously. Musical Toaster.

Finally, music pollution can distract from the important things. With sound coming from every device a person owns, from the computer to the toaster, it can be difficult to focus on tasks that need to be completed. This is common among people going to school, who listen to music while doing homework. It is also common for someone to be listening to music while taking a phone call. This can result in miscommunication, and you might end up agreeing to go shopping with a girl when you thought she said something else entirely.  Definitely a problem.

How to Stop it?

While reducing the total amount of music pollution in your life can be difficult, there are ways that may help. If you’re in a bar and want to have a conversation with someone you met, invite her back to your place. Tell her that you’d love to continue discussing the importance of Hobbesian theory on the condition of the government, but you would prefer to do so in a quiet place. She will almost certainly agree. To get around retail store music, simply wear earphones. The bigger, the better. People may make fun of you for wearing them, but you won’t be able to hear them anyway. And of course, in your home, you can just turn the music off. Really. Silence is golden.

Are you feeling stressed, depressed, and lonely, but afraid to try the pills that

Hedonism bot knows what's up.

are advertised to you on television? Are you feeling sad about something that you could change if only you were a little less moral? Are you tired of being less than you could be? Do you want to stop caring about people who offer you nothing in exchange for your friendship? If so, you may want to try hedonism.

What is Hedonism?

Hedonism is a theory of ethics that believes that pleasure is the most important thing. That means that you should do things that make you happy. It’s really quite easy to follow. If it makes you happy, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t do it.  Always seek happiness and pleasure. Always minimize pain. That doesn’t sound bad, does it?

Why Hedonism?

Jefferson is watching you.

The best answer to why you should be a hedonist is why not? There’s nothing to lose from always trying to make yourself happy. After all, isn’t that what our forefathers fought for? If you read the Declaration of Independence, you’ll see that America was founded on the idea of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. All hedonism wants is for you to pursue happiness. And don’t you want to make Thomas Jefferson happy? You do. Trust me. Hedonism is basically the counter-emo.

But…?

But, you’ve heard that hedonism is a selfish practice that ignores the feelings of other people in order to focus on yourself? Well, that’s not necessarily true, unless you get some sort of pleasure in harming others and making people upset. If you do, you’re what they refer to as a sadist, and you might want to seek psychological help. The truth of the matter is, most people get happy when other people get happy. Hedonism, while focusing on the self, doesn’t stop you from helping out other people or caring for them. You just need to always place yourself as your number one. That’s not a bad thing. You can even choose to reduce your overall happiness to increase someone else’s happiness for a time. ..if it’ll make you happier in the long run. And it might.

How?

Hedonism is an easy theory, but difficult to master. Let’s say you want to get drunk, but it’s your significant other’s birthday, and you might ruin the fun. You have to weigh the pleasure of getting drunk against the lack of sex and relationship drama that will be a result from it. By determining values for these things, you can then decide whether or not to take the action. Getting drunk will be +3 pleasure points. Lack of sex is -3 pleasure points. Relationship drama is another -3 pleasure points. The net result is -3, so you probably shouldn’t get drunk. This is known as Hedonic calculus. There are also things to consider, such as how long the pleasure and pain will last. Relationship drama will last a lot longer than drunken pleasure. You need to keep that in mind.

So, if you’re unhappy, you should realize that there’s nothing stopping you from being happy. You have the whole world in your hands. You just need to think about yourself, and what you can do to make your life better…and then do it. Are you in a bad relationship? End it and work on yourself. Do you have a crappy job? Go to school, get some skills, and get a better one. These things will increase your happiness and make Thomas Jefferson proud.

When I’m not spouting nonsense (never), I work in customer service. A lot of that is responding to emails. While this is not the most prestigious job, I have been able to learn a few things from this.

1. Since everyone is asking the same question, it makes sense to make a template response to the questions you get all the time.
2. People don’t like when you give them template responses, because they’re not personal.
3. To personalize responses you need to add a greeting, an empathy line, and specify the situation.

Templates increase efficiency by letting you just fill in blanks.

My base response to the second thing is, “Who cares?” If you get an answer that fits your situations, you should take it and like it. But then I started thinking about how that might relate to real life, and these same concepts hold true. I’ll explain using love for an example.

Personalizing Love

Most people can relate to love. Now, the template for love is “I love you.” This can be (and is) used in thousands of situations every day. Its personalization comes from the fact that it implies intimacy. You don’t love random people off the street…usually. But when it comes down to it, “I love you” is really not all that personal. Let’s see what happens when we use customer service tricks to personalize.

Step 1: Greeting

Daddy has no name

The greeting is pretty important to the overall message that you’re trying to send. You want the person to know that you read far enough into their email to find their name. “Hello” is different from “Hello John.” The same is true with love. If you don’t think names matter, try saying “I love you” to your significant other using the wrong name. Hilarity ensues. So, let’s add a name in and see what it does to the personalization. As I don’t have a significant other, we’re going to use my computer’s name as an example. “I love you, computer.” See? More personal already. It’s even better if you use pet names.

Step 2: Empathy Lines

And it feels good

An empathy line is a sentence that summarizes the reason for the email and makes you feel like the customer service agent cares. They usually start with “We understand” or “We appreciate” or “We apologize for the inconvenience.”  They end up sounding like, “We apologize for the inconvenience. The issue of us killing your mother has been escalated, and you’ll receive a response within 2 business days.” Hate. Empathy. Lines.  Anyway, back on point. You can add one of these to “I love you” to make it more personal. Summarize why you love them. “Compy [pet name], I appreciate and thank you for the companionship you have provided me over the last few years. I love you.” Much more personal.

Step 3: Specify the situation

The empathy line is good, but if you use it more than once, it’ll start sounding like a template. This is what we’re trying to avoid. To fix this, we specify the situation. In customer service you  might help someone with pricing. Your empathy line would reflect pricing, but in the body of the text you would give the product name. The same thing goes with love. Sure, you always appreciate their companionship, but why are you specifically telling them this now. “Compy, I appreciate and thank you for the companionship you have provided me over the last few years. I love you because your video card shows the most amazing detail when I’m looking at naked women on the internet. No one let’s me view porn like you do.”

Sure. It’s longer. That’s a lot of words (48 instead of 3) to use to express one feeling. But it’s that added description, those extra words, that make the difference between someone knowing that you love them versus not knowing if you’re just saying it out of habit. And knowing for sure will improve your customer satisfaction scores.

Other examples:

Grief:  “A bad thing happened to me today.”

You can say, “I’m sorry.” Or you can say,

I apologize that unfortunate events occur [empathy], Compy [greeting]. It makes me sad when bad things happen to you [specify].

Positive events: “I just got a new car.”

You can say, “Cool.” Or you can say,

I understand that getting a new car is awesome, Compy. It is very cool that you now have one.

Sex: Someone has just had sex with you.

You can say, “That was nice.” Or you can say,

I appreciate your participation in my getting laid, Compy. Please be advised that I would like to repeat this process in the future. If you have any further sexual concerns, please contact me back at (phone number).

Maybe forget that last one…

Webcomic artists use Guest Weeks as copouts.

I have writer’s block, which isn’t really surprising. I almost always have writer’s block. The difference this time is that I am also very, very tired. Which means, instead of fighting through the writer’s block and giving you a real article, I’m going to write Psych’s Brilliant Guide to Writing the Best Social Commentary Ever in the Universe. I believe this is referred to as a “cop out”.

Choosing a topic

The first step to writing good social commentary is choosing a topic. Most people would read the newspaper or watch television to come up with this topic. It should be something relevant to current events. There’s a lot to choose from. Celebrities are dying by the dozen, healthcare is trying to undergo reform, and the economy sucks. All of these are good topics. However, they bore me. Marshmallows, on the other hand, do not. The topic is marshmallows.

Doing the research

The next step is research. If you want a good article, you need to know what you’re talking about. But before we get into that, keep in mind that good social commentary is funny. So while doing your research, be sure to pull out facts that are not only interesting, but amusing. If you can’t find any that fit this, make the facts up. Also, you get extra points whenever you tie your facts back to sex.

Example 1: Marshmallows are fluffy.

That’s true and possibly interesting, but not funny and exciting. Let’s take that statement and make it better.

It is a well known fact that a woman’s breasts are made of marshmallows.

Close...

By stating that it is a well known fact, people will not want to deny it because then they would be ignorant for not knowing that it is a well known fact.  On top of that, you’ve linked marshmallows to breasts, which is exciting. Since it is completely untrue, it is also funny. Remember, the internet does not care for accuracy when it could have sex and humor instead.

Pictures

People hate reading, so be sure to include pictures. The pictures should be of the most ridiculous statement you’ve made in the paragraph. I like to include at least three pictures, so that they tell a story. The goal is that no one has to read the article to know what you’re talking about. Also, if you can’t find an appropriate picture, use MS Paint and draw something. It doesn’t matter if you have no art skills at all. In fact, not having art skills can add to the humor.

Putting it together

Once you’ve collected an assortment of facts, you can write your article. Make sure your introduction tells what you are commenting on and that your conclusion sums up the entire article. The body should have your facts strung together haphazardly.  You should comment on relevant facts. Add pictures for flavor, and then you’re done.

Sample article on Marshmallows:

Introduction: Marshmallows are cool.

Pictures are really important.

Body: It is a well known fact that women’s breasts are made of marshmallows. Once, they attacked the Ghostbusters. Also, they are spelled marshmallows and not marshmellows. They would be better if they were spelled marshmellows, but I guess they’re still cool.

Conclusion: Marshmallows, yum.

See? The social part is that everyone knows what a marshmallow is. The commentary part is that I really think they should be spelled marshmellows…

I told you it was a cop out.

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

It’s summer and that means that people are going to amusement parks. While people have a choice of many, there is one that stands out as the Happiest place on Earth. But as happy as Disneyland is, you still have to deal with long lines, small children, and overpriced food.  Which is fine. You have to deal with that at any amusement park. What you might not know is that when you step through the turnstiles into Mickey Mouse’s home, any misstep might lead to your death.

Haunted Mansion

The most obvious way to die at Disneyland is the Haunted Mansion. This “ride” isn’t actually a ride at all. It’s a portal to hell. The ghosts are real, and they are watching you. If you turn away for even one second, it could be your last. The ghosts have been known to possess people, and the possessed often try to kill their family and friends. Those attempts usually fail, however, due to the Disney Secret Police. What will kill you is the heart attack you experience when the ghost leaves your body.

Space Mountain

Space Mountain is the best ride at Disneyland. Everyone knows that. Along with exciting music pouring into your brain, this ride features confounding darkness which makes the high speed turns unpredictable. Unfortunately, because of the darkness you might fail to realize you’re going into a black hole. Of course, reports of people going into Space Mountain and not coming out have all been silenced by the Disney Secret Police. The other common way to die on Space Mountain is simply to stand up. Since you can’t see the tracks in the dark, you might very well behead yourself. It’s suggested that it was built that way because Disney hates tall people.

The Matterhorn

He wants to FEED

I’ve been to Disneyland about thirty times, and I’ve only seen the Matterhorn open once. After researching why it’s never open, I learned that it’s because of the Yeti. You see, the Yeti of the Matterhorn does not like to be disturbed except when it needs to feed. Fortunately, it doesn’t get hungry often. But if you ever see the Matterhorn operating, you should be aware that the Yeti is looking for food. Side note: The Swiss children on the Matterhorn also need to feed. They are particularly dangerous because instead of feeding on your flesh, they feed on your soul.

Toon Town

One step away from stabbing you...

Sure, Toon Town might look like a place for children, but anyone who’s seen “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” will know better. You have to beware of EVERYTHING in Toon Town. You never know when a tree will explode on you, or when a bite of your food will turn into a snake and eat you, or an anvil will fall on your head. Even if you avoid the myriad death traps, you still have a chance to run into Goofy and Pluto. Whatever you do, don’t mix them up. Them bitches be crazy.

The Disney Secret Police

Last, but definitely not least, there are the Disney Secret Police. They’re a cross between ninjas and politeness enforcers. Their main job is to protect Disneyland. If you flash a camera at Splash Mountain, they will know. They will hunt you down, put a bag over your head, and carry you off before your friends even notice that anyone was there. If you make an obscene comment, they’ll cut out your tongue. If you pass gas, they’ll plug your ass (by which I mean they’ll shoot you, not literally plug your ass…though that would make more sense). Like the Men In Black, the Disney Secret Police can also erase memories, so that no one will even realize you’re missing.

Of course, you could also be shot by a cannon on the Pirates of the Caribbean. You could be sold into slave labor during It’s a Small World. Or attacked by miner at Big Thunder Mountain, crushed by a boulder during Indiana Jones, eaten by sharks during Finding Nemo…The list of ways to die at Disneyland is never ending.

As any psychologist will tell you, men have a need to quantify everything. Be it how many stars there are in the sky, or how hot a woman is, a man isn’t content until they can put a number to it. And while we’re still working on counting the stars, we’ve definitely got attraction figured out. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” To an extent, that’s true. But, fear not! Even taking that into account, there is a scale that every man can agree on.

Unholy Ugly – 1

This is a one.

The attraction scale, of course, goes from one to ten, and the lowest on the scale is a one. If you meet a one, you will probably be haunted for the rest of your life.  They are the things of nightmares, and chances are they aren’t human. A one might have a great personality, but you’ll never find out, because you’ll never be able to look at it. Fortunately, not many of these exist.

Pretty Damned Hideous – 2 and 3

Going up from this, we have the twos and the threes. Twos are questionably attractive. As in, you question whether or not they’re the proper sex. If you ever have to ask yourself if it’s male or female, chances are it’s a two. Threes are getting a little better. You’d date them if someone paid you a lot of money, but you wouldn’t be happy about it. Drug addicts and people down on their luck tend to end up with threes.

Okay, I guess – 4 and 5

Babies are mild deformities

If you’ve ever seen someone and said, “She’s all right, I guess,” chances are you’ve met a four or a five. While a five, by definition, is average looking, a four might still have some minor deformity. Maybe their smile is too big. Or they’re cross-eyed. A five, on the other hand, isn’t really that bad. If you’re unsure if the girl is a four or a five, ask yourself, “Do I need alcohol before I want to make out with her?” If you do, she’s a four.

Mmmm – 6 and 7

Sixes and sevens are arguably the most attractive of all women. They’re not blazingly hot, but they have a certain sense of attainability. The GND (girl next door) tends to be a six. Sevens are a class above GND, but still approachable. If you manage to bag yourself a seven, you’ll probably be inclined to keep her. At least, until you meet the next group.

Holy Hot! – 8 and 9

The Queen of Jordan is an 8. But she's a queen, so maybe she's a 10.

Here’s where I take a moment to say something really important. The attractiveness scale is exponential, much like the Richter Scale. That means a six is a hell of a lot more attractive than a five. It also means an eight is a rare find. If you found an eight in a store, you’d buy it no matter what the cost. A nine is even hotter than that. If you meet a nine, chances are you’ll forget your name, and that you have a wife. And then your wife will smack you… As an unfortunate side effect of being around a nine, if she does ask you out for a drink, you’ll be too dumbfounded to accept.

Indescribable – 10

As far as I can tell, tens don’t really exist. Some people think certain celebrities are tens, but they’re just not thinking straight, which makes perfect sense since both eights and nines can affect male intelligence. If you disagree, send pictures. I’ll be glad to look, but chances are you’re wrong.

Too much to read? Here’s a quick recap:

1. Die before dating
2. You’re not sure if it is a man
3. $200/date
4. $50 or lots of alcohol to date
5. Okay to date
6. Happy to date
7. Lucky to date
8. Distractingly hot
9. Leave your wife/girlfriend for her
10. Mythical

Of course, looks aren’t everything. Personality means a lot when it comes to deciding whether or not a person is attractive or worth your time. But, from a purely physical point of view, I think most (if not all) males can agree on this scale. As for a woman’s scale for judging men, it turns out they’re not really big on numbers. It’s been theorized that they use a poetic scale. In fact, it’s not uncommon to hear, “He’s as attractive as a moonlight on the summer sands.” WTF does that even mean?

Hurray for Freedom!

The Fourth of the July is right around the corner, and that means it’s time for a history lesson. Back in 1776, in a place called the Colonies, a bunch of white guys whined at the motherland of Britain because they were tired of being taxed. Rather than solve their problems civilly, Britain massacred some people in Boston. In response, the Bostonians got rid of the Brits tea. Shortly after, all the Colonies got together and declared independence. Now, if you recall from Memorial Day, I am a patriot. And as a patriot, I’ve developed a few great ways to celebrate Independence Day.

Watch that movie with Will Smith

Independence Day

Not the one where he’s a superhero (Hancock), or the one where he kills zombies (I Am Legend), or the one where he’s an anorexic (Seven Pounds). Watch the one with the White House in it. I think he wears a lot of black and has a gun that shoots aliens. Or does he sneeze on them in the end? I forget, but whatever the movie is, if you watch it, you’ll be one step closer to being a true patriot.

Throw tea into the ocean

An obvious way to celebrate the 4^th of July would be to throw tea into the ocean. For greatest historical accuracy, you should throw tea into the Atlantic Ocean. But if that is out of reach, you can use the Pacific Ocean or even your neighbor’s pool. If your neighbor is British, be sure to drop a lot of tea in. Don’t worry about the consequences. Since the British truly enjoy tea, they will probably thank you when you give them a pool full. Just remember, if you drink tea on the 4^th of July, you lose your patriot status.

Hug a French person

The French are awesome

You may have forgotten, but there are two major reasons America defeated England in the Revolutionary War. The first, of course, was that Chuck Norris dropkicked King George in the face and then slept with the Queen. The second was that the French provided a whole lot of military help. So despite our current political problems with France (on account of them supporting the terrorists), take a moment and hug a French person. After all, they did give us the Statue of Liberty, French fries, and French toast.

Declare independence

People with massive balls started this country. Men with balls the size of the sun decided to challenge the most powerful military force in the world…and they won. That’s pretty amazing, but a little hard to copy. Instead of trying to attack America and develop your own country, which would be treasonous and against the spirit of patriotism, declare independence from the thing that bothers you most. Quit your job, divorce your wife, or run away from your children. It almost doesn’t matter what you’re declaring independence from, as long as you’re declaring independence.

Fireworks

It's the American Way

Setting off fireworks on the 4^th of July is the true mark of the patriot. You might think that declaring independence would be the most appropriate thing for Independence Day, but you’d be wrong. As Francis Scott Key would tell you, having the rocket’s red glare in the sky is part of what defines us as Americans. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, especially not the police. There are many types of fireworks you can use, but the most patriotic are the most destructive. If your fireworks blow up a pub (pubs are British), that’s one more point for the home team.  If you’re afraid of law enforcement taking away your Star Spangled rights to ignite explosives, you could just find a nice roof to sit on and watch someone else do it. But really, you should make an attempt to set some off on your own.

If this doesn’t appeal to you, you can always find your own way to celebrate the founding of our country. Just stick to the basics of how we were founded: rebellion, anarchy, and explosions.