Internet stalking presents no challenge.

Before the internet, stalking people was a lot more effort. When you wanted to stalk someone, you had to figure out where they lived, or their phone number, or whether they had pets that would rip off your face while you were trying to take pictures through their window. Even when the internet was in its youth, you still had to find out a person’s screen name to look at their profile.  But…sigh…now with social networking sites like Facebook, Myspace,  and Twitter, not only can you find out everything about other people, but you can probably get naked pictures of them while you’re at it. Where’s the fun in stalking?

If video games have taught us anything, it’s that the effort required to do something increases the amount of positive chemicals released when you get the reward. Before, stalking was an experience. It took days of hunting to figure out a schedule. There was a lot of planning involved and a chance that you could get caught. Sometimes, you failed. Risk and reward were prevalent. Now? The worst thing that can happen is that they only release information to their friends, and you have to click on their friends until you find one that shares information with everyone. Eventually, you still get naked pictures, and no one’s the wiser. Worse for the stalker, you could probably just friend request them and get it anyway. Who rejects those?

I just don’t understand how this never comes up in general conversation about the dangers of the internet.  After all, if the stalkers aren’t stalking people, then what are they doing? It’s an intriguing question to ask, but my guess is that they’re probably thinking of new ways to bring back the hunt. That kind of thinking can only lead to murder. Or emo vampires. Holy shit, I think I just figured out how Twilight is a success.

Do emo vampires imitate life, or does life imitate emo vampires?

Not for me silly! For Owl City!! Who has just announced plans to bring the technicolor sounds of Oceans Eyes across the US starting March 30th to kick off the spring with more than fireflies.

Confirmed tour dates are listed below:

MARCH

30th Knitting Factory   Boise, ID

31st Knitting Factory   Spokane, WA

APRIL

1st Paramount Theater   Seattle, WA

3rd Roseland Theater   Portland, OR

5th Fillmore   San Francisco, CA

6th Fillmore   San Francisco, CA

7th Fox Theater   Pomona, CA

8th Soma   San Diego, CA

9th Club Nokia   Los Angeles, CA

10th Marquee   Phoenix, AZ

12th Salt Air   Salt Lake City, UT

13th Ogden   Denver, CO

15th Stubbs   Austin, TX

16th Verizon Wireless Theater   Houston, TX

17th Nokia Theater   Dallas, TX

19th War Memorial   Nashville, TN

20th Tabernacle   Atlanta, GA

22nd DAR Hall   Washington, D.C.

23rd House of Blues   Boston, MA

24th Terminal 5   New York, NY

25th Electric Factory   Philadelphia, PA

28th House of Blues   Cleveland, OH

29th Royal Oak   Detroit, MI

30th Riviera Theatre   Chicago, IL

MAY

1st State Theater   Minneapolis, MN

2nd Eagle Ballroom   Milwaukee, WI

4th Val Air Ballroom   West Des Moines, IA

The group first single “Fireflies” sold over 2 million copies and has been #1 on the charts in the US, Canada, Denmark, Holland and New Zealand– making this small town artist an international phenomenon. For more information on Owl City visit www.owlcitymusic.com

Last week, I was visiting my local ethnic grocery in Chicago and found this:

Sure, I’ve tried cock before (common, who hasn’t?), but never in a soup. Anyone have any recipes?

Some other fabulous products circulating around the net:

Go Girl

Last year, BTH, wielding its connections and power, managed to get me a few samples of Go Girl, a urinating device for the girl who wishes she were a man. I know I certainly have—whenever I see women mutilating themselves so that they might be attractive to men, knowing that will one day be me.

Basically, I experimented with the device, which is recommended for long car rides, concerts and the great outdoors. You take your pants down, place the silicon funnel beneath your lady parts and pee into it, where it will flow out into the toilet, on the ground, or the mouth of whomever you wish.

$10 for one device might be hefty—the Web site boasts that the funnels are reusable, because that’s not gross, but still, if you’re a girl on the go, “ur ine” for a treat.

Sick and tired of your cheap Forever 21 jewelry disintegrating before you even get it to the sales counter? Why not try Human Ivory jewelry, the jewelry that will actually last forever because its made out of human toe nails dipped in resin. What will they think of next? Poo-lery—the jewelry made from excrement?

The brainiacs over at ThinkGeek have discovered the nectar of the 21^st century man: Baconnaise– the dual bacon/mayonnaise condiment that should be slathered on everything from sandwiches to celery sticks.

The only catch? It’s vegetarian. How does that make sense?

I recently wrote an article about the wonderful world of squirrels and came across this product for the furry rodents:  Squirrel Underpants.

For only $9.50, you can help “protect the world from squirrel nudity,” according to the Web site. I don’t even know.

Obviously it’s a joke product, but still. What’s the point? I could buy a five-pack from Target for the same price, and who’s to say that all squirrels prefer briefs?

Disclaimer: This guide to curing depression has no medical facts, accuracy, or real value. Please do not try this at home.

Disclaimers are mostly unnecessary in my line of work. If you believe anything I’ve ever written, you probably shouldn’t be reading. This is an exception though, since I’m writing from the heart. You all know what depression is. Everyone has been visited by this at some point in their lives. Here’s how to solve it.

Step 1: Isolation

The first step to dealing with depression is isolation. Some people think that friends are good for helping you through depression. This is true, but a person is unlikely to remain your friend if you’re a whiny bitch for an extended period of time. Depressed people are whiny bitches.  If they’re not whiny, they’re still not fun to be around. In either case, the solution is isolation. If you’re depressed, stay away from anyone you care about, and they’ll still be your friends when you’re no longer depressed. It’s a genius solution.

Step 2: Distraction

The second step is distraction. I’m not talking about ordinary types of distraction. I’m talking about super distraction. You need to find an activity that consumes hours on end AND that you’re really good at. Unnaturally good at. By doing something that you are really good for an extended period of time, you will repair your self confidence. Make sure that you can’t fail at this activity. If you’re an ice skater and you trip, you’ll just get more depressed. A good suggestion is masturbation. You probably can’t fail at masturbation, and you can do it until you’re no longer depressed.

Step 3: Find your Happy Place

Once you’ve sufficiently distracted yourself, you can find your happy place. Your happy place is where you can leave all the stresses of life behind and reconnect with the awesomeness that is you. Remembering how awesome you are will instantly cure your depression. My happy place is two girls making out in a grassy field. Yours is probably the same. While envisioning your happy place, let the calm flow over you, and remember that life is as beautiful two girls making out. With this thought in place, you’ll be able to smile again. Depression cured.

Sunshine, Rainbows, and Unicorns are the opposite of depression.

In the Christian tradition, there exists a time each year when you have to give up your favorite thing for 40 days. This time is called Lent, and it’s basically the opposite of Christmas. The purpose of giving up what you like most is to increase your spirituality. While I’m not entirely sure how not texting people gets you one step closer to Heaven, the theory intrigues me. Thus, I present to you, my list of things you can give up for Lent.

Toilet Paper

Ever wipe your ass with sticks and leaves?

It’s the little things in life that are actually our favorite things, though we don’t always recognize it. Small things make a world of difference, and toilet paper is one of those things that I just would not want to live without. I might spend all day in front of my computer, but if someone asked to choose between the internet and toilet paper…well, I can’t wipe my ass with my keyboard.  (Or at least, I wouldn’t want to.)

Sense of Security

You might not realize it, but your sense of security is exceedingly important to living a mentally stable life. This, of course, makes it a perfect candidate for something to give up.  To accomplish this, simply don’t lock your doors. Not knowing whether your car will be stolen or your house will be robbed will teach you to appreciate that sense of security. If that’s not enough, you can spend time in alleys or hang out with people of questionable origin.

Your Organs

Giving up your organs for Lent actually accomplishes multiple things. Not only are you giving up something extremely important to you, but you’re also helping someone else. This is a double win spiritually, and might be an auto-Heaven. (An auto-Heaven is when you’ve done something so good, you automatically go to Heaven. The opposite would be an auto-Hell.) That being said, you should probably not give up any vital organs.

Contraceptives

The best invention of all time.

When I write guides, I always try to list things in order of significance. The choice between organs and contraceptives was a difficult one, but really, I’d rather lose a kidney than gain a baby. There are two options for this. You can either stop using things that prevent pregnancy (birth control pills, etc), or you can stop using condoms. Obviously, not using condoms is much, much worse since you risk the chance of STDs.

Jesus

Finally, for the truly hardcore, you can give up Jesus. If you are a Christian, there should be nothing you love more in life than Jesus, and so to give him up is truly the greatest sacrifice. You might think this is counter-productive to trying to increase your spirituality, but you’d be wrong. After all, can you really understand the grace of the Lord until you’ve stopped basking in his glory? I think not.

One of the perks and banes of journalism school is being forced to know what’s happening in the world.

Through Redmanthatcould, I get my important porn news of the day, like this video that will most likely get you fired or make your neck feel really funny.

I subscribe to a zillion newspapers through my phone and also check out the Huffington Post semi-regularly. On top of that, since I’m on the magazine track, I get a bunch of magazines that have yet to be opened. Truthfully, I mostly cut out pictures and paste them on my walls, kindergarten style.

My teachers have also stressed the importance of getting news from a variety of sources. Apparently, there is more information out there than what CNN provides. In fact, there is a whole entire bizarro world of “news” called Foxnews.com, and boys and girls, it’s an amazing sphere of published nonsense.

I found this article today while perusing the internet. It comes from “Hannity’s America.”

Blast From the Past

A mystery billboard in Minnesota is turning heads along I-35 just outside the city of Wyoming. The massive sign shows the 43rd President of the United States George W. Bush waving at drivers as they pass by asking, “Miss Me Yet?”

But the real question on the minds of a lot of Minnesotans is: Who’s behind this ad campaign and, frankly, whose side is that person on?

The general manager of the ad agency that leased the billboard told Minnesota Public Radio that it was “paid for by a group of small business owners who feel like Washington is against them. They wish to remain anonymous.”

I think a lot of Americans all across the country have the answer to the question on that billboard: Yes, President Bush, we miss you. Come home.

Turns out, several websites confirm it is real, but the shocking revelation about this brief is that there are actual people out there who “miss” the former president.

The mystery behind the board however is whether it’s a jab at Bush or Obama. Hannity seems to think it’s the latter. This is the baffling part.

Since when did people suddenly forgive Bush for his idiocracy? Did I miss something? Has a year’s worth of Obama transgressions really been tantamount to nearly a decade of Bush-shit?

Can’t help but wonder if Bush’s sudden resurgence of popularity has anything to do with Rahm Emanuel’s “retard” snafu—say suggesting that retards should be treated better?

You all know what’s happening. You see it taking over the supermarkets, the florists, even the dentist’s office: Hearts. Everywhere.

We call this epidemic of red and chocolate, Valentine’s Day, and it can either be a source of bliss or agony, depending on your fragile state of mind.

Despite the plethora of books out there that declare people to own their single status, let’s face it, most people aren’t completely satisfied with their vibrators or Youporn.

The trouble is Valentine’s Day stigmatizes this one group rather cruelly. This scarlet lettering has inspired restaurants to hold anti-Valentine’s Day themed dinners for bitter women. Chocolate cake and sorrow for dessert. I’ve been to a couple. Imagine restaurants filled with grimacing vodka-infused women and confused bus boys.

In Japan, it’s worse. Instead of one day of emotional suffering, the country decided to create a complementary holiday called “White Day” on March 14. Valentine’s Day in Japan is exclusively for men. Women will buy ludicrously priced chocolates for their true loves, who will hopefully return the favor on White Day, with even more lavish presents. The first White Day, celebrated in 1978, was concocted by a delicious candy company that has been earning very sweet profits since.

I love relationships, especially with good, sexy people. But I have never really been the type of person to agonize over being single’s on Valentine’s Day. I’m certainly not a subscriber to those endless survival guides that teach lonely people how to cope with the day’s chocolatey bittersweet loneliness. Why do they need to be called survival guides? Do we really get that close to death if we spend this day alone?

If you want to be in love, you should want it. And I think it’s perfectly okay to admit that you like love.

On the other hand, if you want reasons to embrace your singleness, I just happened to jot down a few perks right here:

1. A new study of couples found 56 percent of young adults in new sexual relationships were infected with HPV. The risk of contracting a disease has always been my favorite reason for not hooking up. And who enjoys the awkward, “Can you please just not get that into me?”

2. None of your friends will resent you. For those of you in loving, committed relationships that resemble picture frame stock photos, single people hate you, sorry.

3. Most people don’t care about Valentine’s Day. You’d think with all the hoop-la surrounding the holiday, that it was the second coming of Christ, but really, it’s mostly Walgreens that exaggerates the holiday. Valentine’s Day used to be a big deal in 5th grade when we made valentines for our classmates and ate heart-shaped cookies. As Chet Baker once eloquently crooned, “the thrill is gone.”

4. There’s no pressure. I’ve always felt an incredible amount of pressure to celebrate amazing Valentine’s Days with guys. I helped my friend’s boyfriend plan an insanely romantic hullalbaloo for her, complete with Tiffany jewelry! When a partner’s sentiment doesn’t match yours, or if it’s simply a letdown, there’s really nothing worse.

5. You can be with someone if you really want it. As of 2002, there are 904 dating service establishments all available to serve you and find you a potentially suitable mate. Apparently it works too: $489 million in revenues. Or if you’re a millionaire, you should really visit the Millionaire Matchmaker, who is the most entertaining crazy person I’ve ever seen on t.v. Apparently, she has a 99 percent success rate, which makes about as much sense as this astrologer who has a money-back guarantee if a spell doesn’t work.

Still I personally don’t advocate singledom.

I love being in love, and I think that there is nothing more ideal than finding your soul mate.  More than the candy, flowers, and expensive four-course dinners, I prefer the free massages.

Because on the off chance that the chocolates are fruit-filled disasters, the flowers are carnations and dinner comes from the drive-thru, you can always ask for a massage to make up for everything else.

Alright, so, for the record, I am not trying to encourage terrorism in case anyone reading this is looking to put me on some sort of government list sanctioned by The Patriot Act, but am I the only one who thinks that terrorists are totally missing the boat on a surprise attack by egregiously overlooking how fucking oblivious Americans become on Super Bowl Sunday? Apart from me, who opted to watch the dystopic narrative of Children of Men on game day, and maybe eleven other people nationwide, the vast majority is either glued to their TV, their keg, or their chip bowl on one Sunday a year. It just seems like the ideal time to emit noxious gas into the air (unless you live in L.A. and the point is already moot), explode a city block of apartment buildings, or announce some grand terrorist message of hate on TV as lackeys to the cause hold every single NFL player hostage. My guess is that this thought has never crossed the terrorist mind because it loathes American culture too much to truly examine its sadder obsessions and thus has not realized how goddamn much we love to watch robust men in painted on pants and helmets smack into each other. So much in fact, that for about three solid hours, nothing else exists. And I’m just saying, three hours is ample time for a terrorist with ingenuity to wreak some havoc. I mean, for fuck’s sake, there’s other ways to instill mayhem without using a fucking plane. If you’re going to be obnoxiously cruel and carry out random acts of evil, at least employ a little panache. It’s what Stalin would have done.

Welcome to Valentine’s Day. It’s a day when couples are forced to quantify their love for each other through extravagant presents and freaky sexual favors. It’s a day when singles realize that no one loves them, or that they don’t love anyone. It’s a day that celebrates a massacre and an orgy. How cool is that?

Love is dead.

People are often depressed when Valentine’s Day comes around, whether they’re single or not. My guess is that it is because people just don’t understand how good they have it. They worry that they’ll look bad in the eyes of their lover if they don’t put forth enough monetary value into their gifts. They worry that they’ll have to give in and do anal. They also think on their relationship wonder if it’s worth keeping despite all its flaws.

What people don’t realize is that the Valentine’s Day is about exchange, and it is far superior to the Valentine’s traditions of the olden days. Our forefathers must have suffered through this holiday, knowing that they would not receive sex unless they were married. Our foremothers would have only received crappy cards instead of jewelry. How sad that must have been for everyone involved, especially when you consider that most women would agree that getting a pearl necklace is worth…getting a pearl necklace.

Pearl Necklace is not a Google safe search.

It comes down to one of the lesser spoken facts of life. Weird sex is really awesome. Because of this, prostitution is really awesome. Men and women want to have weird sex, but need excuses to succumb to their internal lust. Valentine’s Day provides this excuse. Think about what kind of weird sex you want to have this year. Get a present equal to the value of what a high-end prostitute would charge for that weird sex, and give it to your loved one. I’m pretty sure it’s a law that s/he’ll have to do it after that.

So, stop hating Valentine’s Day.  Instead, remember that on this day, you can have whatever kind of sex you want with the person you love the most, for a price. After all, it’s not about love. It’s about value.

This whole NBC/Conan O’Brien vs Jay Leno Tonight Show BS has really been the focus of attention for the past two weeks or so. It is my opinion that NBC is making a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad mistake by booting Conan O’Brien (someone who is insanely FUNNY and likeable) from the Tonight Show in favor of stupid old Jay Leno and his goddamned chin (someone who is insanely UNFUNNY, stale, and tame). I know Conan’s show hasn’t done as well as NBC would have liked ratings-wise in the SEVEN MONTHS it was on the air, but come on. Conan O’Brien is such a more entertaining and genuinely funny person than Leno, who should have retired by now.

In the past couple weeks, the Internet has completely exploded with coverage on this story, making it seem much more important than it actually is. After all, as Conan admitted himself, this is just a story about entertainment news involving millionaire celebrity comedians, not really something that people should get all riled up about. And yet, we have, myself included.

There is currently a rally going on in front of Universal City and the Conan O’Brien NBC studio, organized by the Facebook group called I’m with CoCo. In the past week I’ve seen the picture posted above all over the Web, including on my personal Twitter account and countless Facebook user profiles, as a sort of showing of solidarity in this ‘crisis’ of late-night hosting.

yes.

I attended the rally this afternoon, despite being overcome with allergies or a cold, and despite the rainstorm going on. When I got there around 11:45 am there were already about two hundred people there, I’d guesstimate, and they were picketing, with home-made signs professing their support for Conan and disdain for the Evil Chin. Cars drove by honking in support.

Eventually the rain become overbearing, and the wind ripped around relentlessly, tearing up many umbrellas…including my own, a giveaway Oakland A’s umbrella I obtained at a game about five years ago. The rain tattered and tore the umbrella until it was useless and hopelessly bent out of shape.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

I was saddened by this loss but vowed to carry on, despite the jagged pointy metal edges and the relentless violent wind gusts blowing the rain into me at an angle.

This insane downpour didn’t seem to have kept many people away from attending this rally, as the output was considerably better than I was expecting, given the conditions. It just goes to show you: Conan O’Brien fans really care about this situation, going outside in this horrible weather and showing their support for Conan during this ordeal.

Let’s get one thing straight: yes, Conan is receiving a nice hefty payday out of this from NBC, and he will be able to move to another network or something and continue broadcasting, but the whole principle of the situation is what bothers me and so many other Conan die-hards. This rally probably won’t directly accomplish anything, but it has attracted interest from more than a thousand people and some news networks, who were there interviewing people in the rain. NBC will feel the impact of this when its audience dwindles away to nothing, which I hope happens.

Yes, there are more serious things to spend time protesting and rallying for than who hosts a late night talk show, but sometimes you have to show support for entertainers who are being fucked around by their bosses, which is the case for Conan right now.

When you sign a contract to host a late night program, you should be able to count on doing so FOR LONGER THAN SEVEN MONTHS. NBC, though, has said “meh we’re over it” and decided to re-install Jay Leno as the Tonight Show host, despite the fact that Jay Leno is horribly lame and unfunny.

In the long run, I really hope NBC experiences a huge drop-off in ratings after the switch, as I for one will not be supporting the network. I’ll watch my NBC shows on sketchy non-Hulu.com websites, so as to not help out in giving NBC any website traffic. I encourage all other Conan O’Brien fans to do the same. Considering how NBC’s only really good shows are the Office and Parks & Recreation (ok, maybe 30 Rock), this shouldn’t be too hard to handle.

Seeing the turnout today at the I’m with CoCo rally really showed me just how passionate his fans are; while they might not all have been watching the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien enough, that doesn’t mean they weren’t Conan fans; since Conan took over the show in June, the jokes and the content were considerably dumbed-down from what they were previously on Late Night with Conan. This probably turned off some of his long-time fans, upset over the change in content that was necessary given the earlier timeslot. Fans who loved the Masturbating Bear and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog were probably miffed that they weren’t really a part of the new show, so they stopped watching. Hence, the ratings went down, and the show is in jeopardy.

Personally, I’ve attended tapings of Late Night with Conan O’Brien in New York in 2006 and San Francisco in 2008.

me with my hands up

I also went to a taping of the Tonight Show last Monday, the 11th, and actually got a few seconds of screen time during the Audiencey Awards segment (yeah yeah, shameless plug, but it’s pretty damn awesome to see yourself on TV). Conan truly is a hilarious, irreverent comedian, the perfect type of person to host a late-night talk show. Late Night with Conan O’Brien was consistently funny, and when I heard he was taking over for Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, I was really excited. I had tried to get tickets to a taping since the premiere in June, but was unable to do so until last week.

NBC is making a stupid mistake replacing Conan with Leno. EVERYONE seems to be against Leno and NBC in this, including other late night hosts, such as Jimmy Kimmel, who hosted an entire episode of his show Jimmy Kimmel Live last week dressed as Leno, complete with ridiculous fake chin and silly hair. It was quite amazing, and he even went on Leno the next night for a brief interview in which he COMPLETELY DOMINATED Leno and made fun of him to his face, as well as pointing out that “Conan and I have children, you have cars. You have $800 million. Leave our shows alone!” to which Jay didn’t really have much of a comeback.

Since this situation has gone on, Conan’s show has almost reverted back to what it was before, as he just doesn’t give a shit anymore. The jokes are almost always at the expense of NBC, with Conan laughing at how the Olympics on NBC are expected to be a huge loss in money for the network. He’s obviously bitter about the whole thing, and rightly so. He and his entire staff (or most of them) UPROOTED themselves and MOVED out to Los Angeles for this show, which was supposed to be a long-term thing. Yes, Conan is rich and won’t have to worry about anything financially, but what about his staff? They moved out here with promise of a long-term job, and now NBC is just going to lay them all off, essentially. It’s fucked up.

I know this has been a really long read, but I had to vent on the situation, as an avid Conan fan (and a fan of humor in general). If you honestly prefer Jay Leno over Conan O’Brien, you just don’t appreciate or really understand humor.

What NBC is doing to Conan O’Brien is shameful, and I hope the network experiences exceptionally low ratings as a result. Considering they’re already usually in last place for ratings anyway, that shouldn’t be very hard.

I’ll follow Conan wherever he ends up, and watch whatever show he gets next. As for NBC, you’ve lost a viewer because of your nonsense. I hope other Conan fans follow suit.

Conan = yes.

Jay Leno = no.