Marilyn Monroe will always have enough allure to be able to draw in a movie theater crowd. It’s part of what has earned her the well-deserved title of Legend. That’s why the Film Forum, New York’s preeminent cinema for watching cabalistic and obscure films, had the good business sense to choose Gentlemen Prefer Blondes as part of their Hollywood retrospective. The thing about Marilyn is, most people really don’t seem to be acquainted with her onscreen persona, but rather with her serene photographic poses. The motive for going to see one of her movies in the theater is to see her figure and the face that has a perpetually drugged air about it in animated pose. But as Marilyn appears less and less fuckable as the societal body image shifts completely to “Sorry, men are only interested in twigs with anatomically incorrect big tits to match,” will Marilyn still have the same draw? It’s difficult to say because, when audiences go to see one of her movies, it seems like they’re actually surprised by how comically adept she is. If everyone knew this going in, Marilyn’s legend would be sure to truly last forever despite the prospect that she will very soon be deemed morbidly obese by current standards.

Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell in a promotional still for the film

Even in New York, where intellectualism is rumored to abound, audiences have difficulty keeping a straight face through some of the more dated dialogue and practices of the time. Marilyn’s presence alone isn’t enough to distract from the occasional corniness that results from starring in a musical. Plus, the film was made in 1953, when Marilyn Monroe was still not a big enough star to snag the lead role, ousted by Jane Russell for top billing.

The fearless duo contemplate how to get out of a pickle

All of this being said, it is probably in the best interest of someone as supercilious as me to stay at home and watch a movie like this, but the 35mm print proved irresistible, and made watching it in HD look like a fucking joke. But my quandary with sharing a movie like this in a public venue stems from the fact that I just hate it when people can’t appreciate what the past was like, choosing to mock it instead of understand it. And when you think about it, if people from the past saw how we lived and functioned today, they would most likely pity us rather than jeer at the travesty of modernism.

The version of Marilyn Monroe that people are familiar with is the one in photographs

Regardless of the intermittent giggle at the sight of a scene or conversation that was foreign to the modern experience, people are still clearly enamored of this musical comedy, which is a considerable feat since almost no one can sit through a musical of any variety anymore. The reason for Gentlemen Prefer Blondes‘ ability to hold up after so many decades lies in the directorial genius of Howard Hawks and the finely tuned comedic timing of Charles Lederer’s script. Lederer also collaborated with Hawks and Monroe on one of their previous films, Monkey Business. The ribald nature of his writing and the double entendres peppered throughout the screenplay are able to make the film classically funny. A case in point is during one of the first scenes, when Lorelei’s (Monroe) fiance comes to her dressing room to give her a diamond ring and asks, “Is it too big?” to which Lorelei quips, “It can never be too big.”

One of Monroe's most iconic movie scenes as she sings "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend"

Lederer’s prior familiarity with Monroe’s personality may also have given him the foresight to write such precise dialogue for the “character” of Lorelei, who is really just a more parodic version of Monroe. Certain lines, like, “It’s awful to feel lonely. Especially in a crowd” evince the notion that she knew exactly what it meant to understand that feeling. Another acutely written line occurs when Dorothy (Russell) asks Lorelei if maybe they’ve put too many sleeping pills in Ernie’s (the private detective who has been watching Lorelei’s every move) drink, prompting Lorelei to retort, “Anything worth doing is worth doing right,” an eerie prediction of her future dependency on Seconal.

"Men grow colder as women grow older."

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes is one of about six films (the others being How To Marry A Millionaire, Bus Stop, The Misfits, Some Like It Hot, and The Seven Year Itch) that showcase how talented Monroe was as an actress, not just as a sex symbol.

Kevin Kline quoting Napoleon (who I’m not sure actually ever said that) in Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini’s joint directorial effort, The Extra Man, gives us unintentionally good advice about how to watch this film. Like every other seemingly “original” movie you see a trailer for, The Extra Man is derived from a novel of the same name. Jonathan Ames, who penned the book, also helped Springer Berman and Pulcini write the script. Somehow though, I have a feeling the book is better.

Kevin Kline: Not a gigolo, just a seat filler

Henry Harrison (Kevin Kline) may appear the central character of the movie, another misleading element in the trailer, but it all comes down to the alienation of Louis Ives, played by the evermore loveable Paul Dano (he puts Michael Cera’s portrayal of awkwardness to shame). This alienation manifests itself early in the plot when Louis’ sexual issues are made apparent from the get-go. After discussing The Great Gatsby with a student (suspend your disbelief at the thought of Dano being old enough to carry off the professorial role), he retreats to the teacher’s lounge, where he can’t resist grabbing a bra out of someone’s bag and putting it on over his suit. Naturally, his boss walks in during this nod to Jean-Paul Gaultier’s vision of fashion, subsequently contributing to his sacking. While Louis may not have a plucky, seize the day attitude, he ultimately takes this as an omen to finally move to Manhattan like he has always dreamed of doing.

Mary Powell (Katie Holmes) and Louis share an uncomfortable working relationship for the majority of the film

Like every fresh off the boat Manhattanite, Louis makes a rather unfortunate choice about his living situation, being somewhat pressured to move in with Harrison after looking at the apartment earlier that day. Harrison is more than eager to take Louis on as a lodger (for a paltry 350 dollars a month no less. On East 91st Street. Yeah fucking right. You can’t even get that price in Washington Heights). Harrison’s motives are not all that sentimental, however, when he reveals to Louis that he’s the best candidate because he’s the only one that came to see the apartment who speaks English.

Louis (left): The peanut butter to Harrison's jelly. That sounds inadvertently sexual.

Louis is able to fill in the next piece of the survival puzzle by finding a job at an environmental magazine called Terra, where he meets the weird/somewhat annoying Mary Powell (Katie Holmes. See, Tom Cruise lets her work). At first, he is taken with her, in spite of the fact that she openly says she loves Bob Marley and has plans to go to Jamaica with her boyfriend. His faith in her confidence is so great that he even feels brash enough to confess to her that he sometimes pretends he’s a character in an F. Scott Fitzgeraldesque novel with a narrator recounting his every move and thought. And it is at this point that we start to see Louis’ craziness become more evident. Soon after, he goes to a prostitute (played by Patti D’Arbanville, who some may recognize as Rayanne Graff’s drunken mother on My So-Called Life) to cross-dress and get spanked. Having gotten a small taste of sexual deviancy, Louis also goes to Sally’s Tranny Bar, not because he’s particularly interested in fucking, but because he wants to look like one of them.

Paul Dano, Katie Holmes, and Kevin Kline at The Extra Man premiere in New York

As you might have gathered by now, The Extra Man is unequivocal in its absurd hilarity, but, at its core, I don’t think the film has any idea what it is trying to express. And this is the fatal flaw that holds it back from being as good as it could be.

Adrien Brody has been accused of having made quite a few bad film choices over the course of his career, but perhaps none of those choices have been as maligned as 2002′s Dummy. The story, written and directed by Greg Pritikin (who really hasn’t done much else since then), follows the extremely pitiable life of Steven (Adrien Brody), a 28 year old who works in an office and lives with his parents. His best friend Fangora (Milla Jovovich) is not in a much better position either. In many cases, her situation is worse since she has to live with her belligerent and ailing mother who is constantly screaming at her to pick up her prescription from the drugstore. And, while Steven at least has a soul-crushing office job, Fangora (or “Fannie,” as her mother calls her) has no source of income.

Steven and Fangora: BFFs since high school

So far the plot is sounding fairly normal, right? The protagonist has a dismal life and relies on his only friend for relatability in a town where nothing ever happens. But throw ventriloquism into the mix, and things always become a bit creepier. We don’t know much about what Steven was like or how he functioned before the introduction of the dummy into his life, we only know that, within minutes of the film’s opening, he feels compelled to buy a dummy after watching an old Hollywood movie. Evidently, his lifelong dream has been to become a ventriloquist.

Promotional poster for Dummy

Around the same time he starts practicing his act, Steven gets fired for fucking up the copy machine, though it’s clear his boss was just looking for any excuse to get rid of Steven’s awkward, gawky ass. Enter Lorena (one of Vera Farmiga’s earlier roles, and probably one she’s slightly ashamed of in the wake of critical acclaim for films like Up in the Air and The Departed), an employment counselor Steven must see as part of his quest for a new job. He shyly admits to her that the sort of work he’s looking for would ideally include use of his ventriloquism skills. Instead of being totally fucking freaked out and put off, Lorena is actually sort of beguiled by Steven. One woman’s psychopath is another woman’s Casanova I suppose.

Lorena braves a typical date with Steven

In the midst of all this, Steven’s family (best described as Partridge Family zany mixed with Royal Tenenbaums repressed) serves as an explanation for why Steven is so maladroit. His sister Heidi (the much underrated Illeana Douglas) is recovering from a broken off engagement and coping with the fact that her ex is the type of guy who would jump out of a bush and stab you, his mother (the always enjoyable Jessica Walter, best remembered for playing Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development) is obsessed with making sure Steven always has a sandwich, and his father is consumed with making model ships. So yeah, not the most conducive environment for elevating one’s self-confidence.

Adrien Brody at the 2002 premiere of Dummy

For all intents and purposes, Dummy is truly one of Adrien Brody’s best role choices. At least better than the roles he had in The Village, Hollywoodland, Splice, and King Kong. I think what made this film seem so odious to critics was that it was released the same year that The Pianist came out, the film that won Brody an Oscar. In comparison, people viewed the existence of Dummy as something that was in offensively bad taste. I mean, to them, it was like Brody was almost diminishing the Holocaust by trying to cash in with another movie about ventriloquism–which is why people who star in Holocaust movies shouldn’t be in another movie for the rest of the year. But maybe now that there’s some distance from the overlapping of The Pianist‘s and Dummy‘s release, Dummy can be revisited and seen for what it is: One of Brody’s best independent film roles.

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a great comedy, and we are god damn due. I’d like to extend a friendship leaf to the crew of Get Him to the Greek for putting an end to that wait. Jonah Hill, and Russell Brand work very well together, though Puff Daddy definitely stole the show. Are we calling him Puff Daddy now? I don’t watch the news or read the Twitter (we read Twitter, right? Maybe “decode” is a better verb). Whatever we call him, he was fucking hilarious nearly every second we see or hear him.

Get Him to the Greek Movie Poster

In Get Him to the Greek, Sergio Roma (played by Puff Daddy) runs a record label, Pinnacle Records, and is looking for the next big idea to turn their poor sales numbers around. Aaron Green (played by Hill) is a dorky, awkward tie-wearing intern who suggests that the record company throw a huge concert as a 10-year anniversary to Aldous Snow’s (played by Brand) last mega performance. As a result, Sergio gives Aaron the nod, and has him pick up Aldous from England, then bring him to the states to promote the concert and obviously perform. Naturally, Aldous has his major “rock star” quirks about him, which definitely helps in the hilarity. Along the way, Aaron has a temporary falling out with his girlfriend, and Aldous shows his insecurities about the woman of his dreams, Jackie Q (played by Rose Byrne), and his father, Jonathan Snow (played by Colm Meaney).

Jonah Hill, Russel Brand and Puff Daddy in Get Him to the Greek

The plot was plausible, and didn’t deter from the story or the characters. Jonah Hill showed decisively that he isn’t a younger, fatter Seth Rogan, and can be super funny without Michael Cera. Cheers to that alone. This was – start to finish – the best comedy of the year, gives The Hangover and I Love You, Man a serious run for their money, and had me rolling the entire time. We had the usual 15 minutes of mushy garbage at the end, but it wasn’t in your face and still mixed in with some humor as well. Puff Daddy very much stole the show with his abrasive, quick wit, and PERFECT timing. But every character (sans the women, of course…just kidding…I like blowjobs…) had amazing lines with limited physical humor. I also like that I saw some titties, didn’t have to see any dick, and only got about 4 seconds of Jonah Hill’s disgusting ass.

I loved the subtle humor throughout the big joke sequences; it was a constant barrage of humor, and while you were rolling on the floor they also decided to tickle you with a soft, Arabian feather (“Arabian” was clearly only for effect – I’m not feather expert, and certainly not of the Arabian variety). The film was really clever, with genius editing and great cut-aways, and comes with only a handful of dull moments. When you stop laughing after a scene, just know that you probably missed 2-3 other jokes that you couldn’t hear, which is fine ’cause you’re a smart person and will go see it again (maybe this time around you’ll be stoned or drunk? Just putting it out there). Shit, even the songs Brand performed were hilarious.

Russell Brand as Aldous Snow in Get Him to the Greek

Clearly designed for young adults, I could still see my dad having a kick out of it too. Really, if you don’t have a good time with Get Him to the Greek, then you are a grade A asshole (or maybe your grandma just died, and it was simply too soon. Pro-tip: Always allow for adequate bereavement).

Since it is now federally mandated that all women have to see Sex and the City or their vaginas will be revoked, I moseyed on over to the local cinemaplex to see just what writer/director/producer Michael Patrick King managed to churn out of this long ago played out storyline of four women living in New York and experiencing the resulting relationship issues of living in a metropolis rife with fuckfaces.

The first Sex and the City movie saw the marriage of Carrie (fucking finally) to Sr. Big

What he came up with was: Let’s send the menopausal Manhattanites to a place no one has ever heard of except businessmen and terrorists (Abu Dhabi) because Carrie has run out of things to bitch about besides Big enjoying watching TV and eating takeout. And while we’re at it, let’s have totally inane cameos from Liza Minnelli, Penelope Cruz, and Miley Cyrus. Regardless of how overtly bad the plot is, SATC is an unstoppable moneymaking juggernaut. You could have a movie about those bitches hitting on decrepit old men in a rest home and it would probably still rake in a sizable profit. And I’m sure eventually it will come to that by the time Sex and the City 5 rolls around.

SJP at the movie premiere

The worst part about Sex and the City is not even the movie itself, but the fact that it totally defies the previous standards of quality set forth by the actual show. In 1998, when Darren Star first innovated the premise from Candace Bushnell’s book, there was something gritty and uncharted about it. Season 1 in particular was unconventional in its approach as Carrie would often talk directly to the camera and numerous documentary-esque interviews with people in relationships would be interspersed to tie in with that episode’s dilemma. As the show gained in popularity toward its series finale and practically skyrocketed in the wake of its culmination, the benchmark for exceptional dialogue and vanguard issues that few shows ever had the courage to address fell by the wayside in favor of tailoring it to what “the average woman” would want to see depicted onscreen.

Airbrushed--er, aged--to perfection

No matter how cheesy the first movie was, it didn’t include Miranda screaming “Abu Dhabi do!” in some weird, out of nowhere homage to Fred Flinstone. The first Sex and the City movie also refrained from altogether disregarding plausibility. One standout example of this lack of concern for suspension of disbelief is when the four heroines of the story are lured into a secret tent at a local market in Abu Dhabi by some of the repressed, birka-clad females who then reveal the fashionable, designer clothing that they are wearing underneath. There is also no way Samantha wouldn’t have been imprisoned and/or just strung up by her perineum for some of the shit she pulls in the movie.

Being guilt-ridden doesn’t really seem to be an issue in modern times (let’s call that the Bush era to the present). Everyone’s too destitute to consider the similar circumstances of others. So when writer-director Nicole Holofcener penned the script for Please Give, one gets the sense that there was a subconscious attempt to shock the film’s viewers out of both self-involvement and half-assed caring.

The not so perfect married couple

The characters of Kate (indie film regulator Catherine Keener) and Alex (still not dead Oliver Platt), two antique furniture dealers living in Manhattan, are the ideal vessels by which to convey a concise image of self-absorption, but it isn’t the glaring sort of self-absorption of someone like Narcissus or Andy Warhol. That level of egoism is saved for Amanda Peet’s character, Mary, who proudly flaunts how consumed by vanity she is with her fake tan and chosen profession as a facialist. By contrast, there is Mary’s sister, Rebecca (Rebecca Hall) who, out of a sense of duty and as a self-appointed martyr, takes care of their hostile grandmother when she isn’t administering mammograms for a living. To round out the quartet in favor of a pentagon in varying degrees of megalomania is Abby (Sarah Steele), Kate and Alex’s acne-riddled, image obsessed daughter.

Promotional poster for Please Give

Abby’s views are in stark opposition to her mother’s. When Abby befriends Rebecca on their daily walks with each owner’s dog, Abby explains that her mother cannot even walk down the street without bursting into tears at the sight of the palpable suffering and, resultantly, doling out cash to the homeless. Rather than being in awe of the gesture, Abby is irritated by it, saying that her mother should give the money to her and not a total stranger. And, in an obvious way, this makes sense. There are many, adolescents especially, who cannot see the benefit of giving money to someone who isn’t even close to them. This is where the “If you teach a man to fish” argument comes in.

Amanda Peet as Mary

Finally, devoured by guilt for what she has and how she makes her living (paying far lower prices for furniture than she sells it for), Kate tries to volunteer for both an olds’ home and a sports program for autistic children (or maybe they weren’t autistic, that’s like my go-to impairment). But this proves fruitless as well as she is told not to talk about death with any of the olds and cannot bear to see any of the children in the outreach program simply because, “It’s just so sad.”

Rebecca (left) watching TV with her polar opposite sister, Mary

There is an appropriateness to the film’s promotional poster, a bleeding heart pouring over Catherine Keener as she gives money to a vagabond. What Holofcener leads us to believe is that if you think discriminately about all of the things you do, you’ll see that very little of those things are geared toward bettering anyone’s life but your own. And if you think about that too often, you’ll be weighed down with an Atlas-sized globe of remorse for all of the people and events you can’t fix.

Average or not, there is a universally acknowledged archetype for the male gender: They want, need, and have to fuck. All the time. And I think, even if a bloke was writing this review, he would admit that. Just as I will admit that there is a foil archetype for women: They will only fuck you if you’re: A) Good-looking or B) Have money to spend on them. Lots of money.

But my view is somewhat skewed from living in L.A. It must be much different in those pleasant Midwestern cities, the very hub of averageness, if you will, for that is where The Truth About Average Guys was filmed and where its creators hail from. Referred to me by Jason Schaver, one of the film’s writers and producers, I watched TTAAG without knowing beforehand that it was made on a paltry five thousand dollar budget. I never would have guessed the budget was that low based on how far filmmakers Ken Gayton and Jason Schaver were able to stretch it.

Ken Gayton stars as average guy Jason Lewis

The premise of the film is simple, but totally original in scope (mainly because mainstream H’wood is always trying to shy away from romantic comedies involving mentally handicapped characters in general, minus There’s Something About Mary I guess, or characters posing as someone mentally handicapped in precision). It is perhaps for this reason that TTAAG took a while to get off the ground after Schaver finished the final draft in the mid-00s (it still doesn’t look or feel natural to write 00s, but I can’t turn back the goddamn clock now can I?).

Katie (Erika Walter): The girl who brings Jason's averageness into a harsh light

Once the initial financial hurdles were conquered (basically saying, “Fuck waiting for major production company-level monetary backing”), the story could finally be told in the no holds barred way that Schaver and Gayton intended.

The beginning of the film is crucial to instilling a necessary empathy with the mundane normalness of Jason (Ken Gayton). His life showcases one of the typical American experiences: Working in an office that doesn’t seem to specialize in anything other than manufacturing boredom and yearning for a physically superior co-worker. Trying desperately to get her attention somehow, he pays the mail delivery guy to keep “mistakenly” giving him Katie’s (Erika Walter) mail. When that doesn’t work, he seizes the opportunity to force something in common with her when she mentions she has a mentally challenged older sister, prompting him to say that he has a mentally challenged brother. Of course, this isn’t true, and Jason enlists the acting skills of his slightly dim-witted friend Troy (Jason Schaver) to pull off the gimmick.

DVD sleeve for TTAAG

Surprisingly, it works, leading Katie to become increasingly smitten with Jason. But as the stakes get higher (a.k.a. they finally have sex), Jason finds it more impossible to tell her the truth. What Jason ultimately learns is that, as average as girls might perceive him to be, he is better off being himself–artifice free–because, if the right person ever did come along, she would accept him as such.

And don’t think you know how it ends, because it is actually very against the norm. Now be an obedient little ducky and go to the interview section of BtH to read our Q&A with Mr. Gayton and Mr. Schaver.

One can’t help comparing Juno and Jennifer’s Body in any assessment of either movie; they’re too similar not to. And so, if there’s anything that we can learn about Diablo Cody from her writing style, it’s that: She likes Hole (interpret that how you will), she has a strange fascination with Tony Little’s Gazelle, and she is something of an unofficial spokesperson for Benihana.

Promotional poster for Jennifer's Body

When Jennifer’s Body first came out in the theater, I was hesitant to see it, mainly because Diablo Cody has bristled my feathers by sashaying into the Hollywood elite without really trying, which is simply how the universe functions. Before I could swallow my pride and put aside my issues (As Jennifer would say, “You’re totally Jell-o, you’re lime green Jell-o and you can’t even admit it to yourself”), the movie had vanished from the theater, peaking at number five at the box office.

Megan Fox landed the ideal role as a teenage succubus in Jennifer's Body

Much to my surprise, however, I found myself liking it much better than Juno once I finally saw it. The ridiculous dialogue seems to work better in this movie than it does in Cody’s Oscar winning debut. One example is when Jennifer’s best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfreid) asks her boyfriend Chip (Johnny Simmons), “Who’s Phil Collins?” and Chip reservedly responds, “Forget it. He’s seminal, but whatever.” And from the moment Jennifer experiences demonic transference, there is a no holds barred outlook on aberrant lines (like when Adam Brody as Nikolai, lead singer of the band Low Shoulder, explains to Jennifer that he has to sacrifice her to Satan by saying, “Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There’s so many of us and we’re all so cute and it’s like if you don’t get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you’re screwed.”) and general profligacy.

Needy: Putting up with the difficulties of being the best friend of a demon

Jennifer’s Body actually has quite a bit more going for it than Juno, and not just Adam Brody, who always plays an asshole so well. I think what prevented Jennifer’s Body from having the same success as Juno is the expectations that were put on Cody’s follow-up to such a critically acclaimed film and the fact that many audiences had a difficult time deciphering the tone of a movie that features both Megan Fox eating the innards of a boy in her English class and Amy Sedaris as a deadbeat mom (making a brief cameo in a role that is as close to Jerri Blank as you’ll ever get).

Adam Brody as satanist lead singer Nikolai

The main flaw, it seems, is that Cody is afraid to totally break away from doing the same thing: Jason Reitman is still her partner in crime, certain pop culture references are recycled (as mentioned above), Valerie Tian reappears as a correspondingly high-strung comic relief character (she played Su-Chin in Juno), and her main characters share one uniform voice–Cody’s.

El Diabo herself

With upcoming projects like Sweet Valley High and Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament, it looks as though Diablo Cody might be able to make something of this melding of the teen/zombie/horror genre, if she would only just let go of the tone responsible for her success, Juno.

As someone who grew up on the Simpsons and looks back on their heyday lovingly, it’s been quite unpleasant to watch their gradual descent into crap. It’s no secret that the show has declined horribly for the last decade,  and quite frankly anyone who says that the show has maintained the same level of quality is flat out lying to themselves (and anyone who says the show has gotten better needs to be hospitalized).

A movie with the Simpsons? AWESOME!! NO WAY THIS COULD SUCK!! Oh wait

It’s only natural for a television show to lose steam after a while. It happens to every show, usually after about three or four seasons, and while the Simpsons made it pretty far with seven awesome seasons (hell, I’ll even defend the eighth and ninth seasons, as those had some great episodes as well), it too fell apart.

The characters we once loved are gone. Homer has gone from a heavily flawed but well meaning man to a borderline retarded, giggling lunatic, whose gags essentially consist of him getting hit by large objects. He’s a slapstick device who coined the term “D’oh!” now, and nothing more. Bart is no longer a clever mischief seeker so much as a small Homer, almost as dumb as his father. Etcetera, etcetera. They are no longer characters, they’re walking catch phrases and caricatures of their former selves. The stories about them, about how this dysfunctional family connects with one another despite shortcomings and life’s cruel circumstance? All gone in exchange for wacky happenings and lame slapstick humor. Back in its prime, the show could be utterly hilarious, incredibly moving, and even thought provoking – often at the same time!  And remember how episodes would have at least one subplot which would eventually tie in to the main one in some sort of clever fashion? They don’t really do that anymore, either.. in fact, the movie couldn’t be bothered to even construct A plot at all! Speaking of which, maybe it’s about time to quit rambling and get to that…

Before ripping into it, let’s go over its good qualities. The production values are spectacular. Traditional animation is blended with tasteful CGI, and the movie overall looks great. Also, with the movie being just shy of an hour and a half in length, it doesn’t have much opportunity to drag on, and it remains entertaining enough throughout. And um… I guess that’s about it.

The movie is about… well actually, I’m not quite sure what it’s about, really. Worse, I’m not sure the writers even know! The plot is a disjointed mess. Elements are thrown together haphazardly, and a large amount of the jokes are simply self referential – so many of them have already been done on the show, and done better. The plot elements have been done before too, and again, handled far better.

We start with Homer getting a pig, and mishandling its crap, which results in an environmental disaster so large that the town of Springfield has to be quarantined… with a gigantic dome. You know, the pig that dominated the trailer with lame jokes. With all the time it got in the trailer, you’d think it would be a significant part of the film, right? Well, no.. everything you saw in the trailer about the pig is ALL that’s in the movie. So anyway, now that the pollution levels are so dangerously high, you might think that this movie has an environmental message of some sort… but it doesn’t. Everybody more or less forgets about this, and the pollution problem is never really dealt with. In the midst of all this, Lisa meets an Irish boy that she likes, but his overall screen time combined with any reference made to him totals at less than five minutes, and it ultimately goes nowhere. Bart drifts away from Homer, and finds a rather unlikely father figure in… of all people, Flanders. Again, this is seldom referred to, and at the end Bart decides to reconcile with Homer for no real explainable reason.

Then the Simpsons flee to Alaska, and why? I have no idea. There is no humor mined from this concept, and it feels like they merely threw darts at a map to decide where this sequence should take place. While they’re there, the family leaves Homer, and he goes on a spirit quest with a Native American woman. Because that’s all Native Americans do, right? Go on spirit quests. We can have Jewish characters who aren’t always praying to God, we can have black characters who aren’t gangster rappers, we can have Japanese characters who aren’t constantly doing Karate, but once we get to Native Americans, racial profiling is suddenly okay. Why is that? Doesn’t it strike anyone else as odd that we never see Native American characters who aren’t constantly talking about spirit quests and “my people,” and are just normal people like everybody else?

In any case, partly thanks to a ridiculous tit joke, Homer is sent on the right direction and goes to get his family back and save Springfield, which is now a Mad Max-ish dystopian society in which Moe is king. Why? Who the hell knows. It doesn’t matter though, because everybody forgets all about this, too. Perhaps it was just to give Moe something to do… the characters who aren’t in the family don’t really get any screen time. Speaking of which, this is one of my biggest grievances with this film…

WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THE PRESIDENT ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGAR WHEN YOU HAVE RAINIER FUCKING WOLFCASTLE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU??

Rainier Wolfcastle. Why not?

This completely baffled me. It would have made the joke a hundred times funnier, and I have no clue why they wouldn’t use him. Did they think the fans were too stupid to get the joke? Did they just forget about him entirely? What the hell?

Anyway, so after all this, the movie makes the first good move yet:

It ends.

Ultimately, this movie just made me sad. A franchise I’ve loved for as long as I can remember is now basically an entity that sells products for the highest bidder. And we’re not talking Butterfinger ads, or the awesome Summer after Mr. Burns was shot when each bar came with a dossier on different characters from the show. A ploy to get more bars sold? Of course. But at least it was creative. At least it was fun for all the kids immersed in the show. Now, what is it? Lame Burger King commercials, Super Bowl Coca Cola ads, pay disputes for voice actors (because apparently $250,000 an episode is too meager a salary), and so on, and so on, all while the quality continues to suffer. Speaking of which, remember the people who would defend the show’s waning quality, saying that it was because the writers were saving the best jokes for the movie? I’m glad I haven’t watched the show for a good few years… because if that really is the case, I can only imagine that the show is now Homer crying in a dark room for a half hour because he’s been raped (which would be strangely appropriate). The Simpsons was once great, yes. It was one of the greatest shows ever aired. Now it’s a shadow of its former self, being dragged along for sake of lining pockets. Ultimately the movie is just an extension of the shit this show has become. It’s coasting on a wave of nostalgia, preying on the people who refuse to accept the awful truth. Fuck this movie.

I’m all for the promotion of preposterous film ideas and I’m all for anything that relates to the second to last decade of the twentieth century, so when I saw the trailer for Hot Tub Time Machine, I ignored its somewhat blatant, Farrelly brothersesque stupidity. And, speaking of the Farrelly brothers, this movie has its fair share of gross-out moments, mainly involving barf.

Promotional poster for Hot Tub Time Machine

Some might view the vomit, the shit flinging, and the fake cum on Lou’s face as pros in the movie, but I think I might put a tick mark under the cons column for that. Possibly the only time throwing up comes across as funny rather than foul is when Lou does it on a squirrel. Another con is the total laziness in the character development/explanation of backstory department. I could understand if it was just one writer slapping this script together, but there are not one, not two, but three men responsible for creating the incomprehensible world of Hot Tub Time Machine: Josh Heald, Sean Anders, and John Morris. I don’t know, it just seems like three minds should be able to come up with something a little more detail-oriented. Like, for one, why is Jacob twenty years old if his conception was in 1986? Why is Chevy Chase even there to caution them about changing the future if everything they decide to alter turns out to make things better for them in the long run? Why would a new episode of Alf be on during a weekend when anyone with any sense of nostalgia knows that it aired on Mondays? Jesus Christ, will someone please give me a fuckin job as a script supervisor? Because whoever worked on supervising this did not deserve such a high level of compensation. Oh wait, it was Stephanie Rossel, who also worked on such linearly plotted movies as Love Happens and Juno. Sorry Stephanie, but I think the time change variances of Hot Tub Time Machine are slightly beyond your abilities.

The Fantastic Four

Okay, but my high expectations for some semblance of realism aside, I think there is an under acknowledged, self-referential wit to the movie. The fact alone that John Cusack, the reigning king of 1980s teen movies, was diffident and unpretentious enough to agree to play the lead part of Adam and then either concede or suggest (he is, after all, a producer) to let the filmmakers have someone shout out the infamous “I want my two dollars” line on the ski slopes speaks volumes for the general fabulousness of Cusack.

The crowned prince of 80s cinema

I think that was the main pro. So back to the cons. The soundtrack: I get that buying the rights to a song is expensive, but how many times does “Bizarre Love Triangle” need to be played in a movie that alludes to the eighties? And why did Adam’s friend Nick have to choose “Let’s Get It Started” by The Black Eyed Peas as the song he wanted to steal from the future? I mean, really? Of all the songs post-1986, you’re gonna choose “Let’s Get It Started?” This is all Steve Pink’s fault (he’s the music supervisor, in case you were wondering and were sane enough not to know already). Then there was throwing Cusack into a random Serendipity-like (the movie, not the noun) relationship with Spin magazine writer April (Lizzy Caplan), who was forced to go to Winterfest to catch the Poison show. And yes, now I know I’m starting to sound like a nutter with my obsessiveness on the minutiae when most people would just go to this movie specifically not to think, but it’s a disease, what can I say?

A sign of the times

So, since I’m feeling mildly remorseful for listing so many cons and ripping several named film crew members a new asshole, I’ll leave you with the pro to end all pros: Crispin Glover.