It may be a delusional assertion, but I’ve never been so underwhelmed by the buildup to a theatrical release (well, excluding Sex and the City, but that was no shock. I had genuine faith in this Burton/Disney collaboration). Alice in Wonderland, whether in 3D or not, was a dim reminder of Tim Burton’s abilities. I did like Bayard the talking bloodhound though. In fact, I don’t think people realize it, but that might be why a great many moviegoers are coerced into being so taken by this film: Everyone’s a pushover for the wide-eyed look of a dog that can speak English, not to mention the added bonus of Johnny Depp in drag.

The Mad Hatter and the Red Queen: Residents of a Wonderland I care not to visit

Writer Linda Woolverton can be credited with most of the originality of the film in her take on Lewis Carroll’s storybook version of Alice in Wonderland, called “What Alice Found There,” combining it with some of the premises of Disney’s 1951 animated version. But even a decent script can fall by the wayside if all of the emphasis is on the visual; this makes what sparse dialogue there is highly vulnerable to judgment. I think the only non-banal line that was delivered came from the mouth of Crispin Glover (who else could be trusted with such a purpose?) when he said to Alice in giant form, “I like your largeness.”

Crispin Glover as the Knave of Hearts

Even though the audience knows going in that this is going to be Tim Burton’s rendering of a time-honored, classic story, it is heinously lacking some of the best elements, one of them being the white rabbit screaming, “I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!” or the Queen of Hearts pitching a fit about someone painting her roses red. Or even the walrus and his clam family. Everything is merely a subtle reference or an inconsequential nod to the precendents set by the original story (though the inclusion of the jabberwocky was a pretty badass move). Not to say that Lewis Caroll’s psychedelic ranting is worthy of bible-level reverence, but there should be some amount of more highly attuned compliance to this dearly departed, drug-addled literary figure.

Anne Hathaway in her unblemished portrayal of the White Queen

Another item to consider is the timing of this film’s release. The entire plot is centered around ending the reign of an evil and depraved ruler. It would have been nice if this could have coincided with the Bush years. Obama hasn’t quite yet reached this level of odium yet. At least not until after the final resolution for health care. It just would have given the movie a layer of depth that is appreciably missing underneath the five hundred coats of makeup on the combined faces of Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Anne Hathaway. There’s also the contradictory message of saying “All the best people are mad” and then turning around and condemning the Red Queen for her diabolical eccentricity. Why Tim, are you a secret advocate of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

Through a series of unfortunate events (i.e.: Google posting the incorrect time for The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3), I was left to watch Up. Up is the Walt Disney / Pixar animated adventure, directed by Pete Docter and Bob Peterson (who also wrote the screen play). Old school actors Ed Asner and Christopher Plummer are the main voices of the film. Not sure if I would consider this a kid’s film, but being the “adult” I am, it also did not feel like it was for me. Unless you’re gay for Pixar, I’d stay away.

Up Movie Poster

Carl Fredricksen (Ed Asner) is swept off his feet at a really early age by his life-long partner, Ellie. We get a really sweet, and then super-sad montage of the couple as they age together, and then Ellie’s eventual death, at the beginning of the film. Carl is a balloon salesman, and Ellie’s dream (which Carl promised he would accomplish) was for them to move their house on top of a place called Paradise Falls, in South America. Charles Muntz (Christopher Plummer), a rich adventurer/explorer (I’m guessing an allusion to Howard Hughes), is the couple’s childhood hero, and traps himself on Paradise Falls, until he can bring back a rare creature he claims to have spotted there.

After Ellie’s death, Carl tries to keep his promise by strapping thousands of balloons to the bottom of the house’s chimney sweep, and flying it over to Paradise Falls. Obviously, this is extremely plausible. Yea yea, animated movie…suck my dick. On Carl’s trip to Paradise Falls, he finds out he is carrying some extra baggage in the form of a young boy, Russell, who is the equivalent to a Boy Scout. Russell helps the story along with various retardness, and they eventually make it to Paradise falls. While there, the unlikely duo have a run-in with Charles Muntz, and the majority of the drama unfolds in the story. Of course, we have to have a happy ending.

Disney is trying to run Uhaul out of business

So where do I begin? We all know the animation was amazing, so there’s really no point in getting into that. For certain, I would never want my non-existent children to see this film. There are really no good lessons taught, other than sorrow, death, and to follow your most retarded dreams. Even though it is an animated film, I don’t think that gives Pixar the green light to absolutely defy logic, which really bothered me. And even though the music was really beautiful, I hated that they used it to make the audience feel sad while Carl reminisced about Ellie.

Ed Asner has an awesome voice, which I’m sure I could masturbate to, if given the appropriate settings, but it doesn’t pull the film out of the gutter. Up simply did not cut it – the story was just too far-fetched, and was not compelling. The best part of the film was the early montage about the couple’s life, but everything after that was slow and dull.