I have a great TV that I haven’t turned on in a year.  I don’t have cable because I like food better and I have a life so watching on someone’s else's schedule just seems stupid to me so I watch almost all of my shows online. I try not to steal it because all us artists need to eat but some networks make it damn near impossible which begs the question;  In this fabulous age of “Give me that and give it to me now” – click – “Got it”, WHY aren’t all the networks getting wise, and putting all their goods on-line and making it easy for me to love their shows?! I have a job to do here after all.  I must watch TV…for you…be grateful…it’s a hard knock life.

I like to think of the major networks as potentially hot dates.  Wanna know who’s givin’ up the goods, who’s reading The Rules and fooling themselves and who’s just as ugly as a $2 whore?  Thought you might.

ABC.com

abc-screencap

I began my on-line television love affair at ABC.com so I’m a little biased.  Their player requires a simple download but it doesn’t take up any space and it provides access to HD quality viewing.  All their prime time shows are available, sometimes 4 episodes at a time and sometimes full seasons but as long as you check in once a month, you can easily enjoy the whole season (which in fairness can be said about most networks).  The only feature I don’t like is that after the obligatory commercial breaks, they make you click play to continue, which puts a kink in my desire to lay back and watch uninterrupted.  If it weren’t for ABC streaming, I would never have fallen in love with Eli Stone…only to watch it end…*sigh*

Spazz Rating: Those are some classy shoes.  Wanna Fuck?

CBS.com

csilew

Ugh!  What is wrong with CBS?!  Okay, so everyone LOVES the crime dramas and thanks for carrying the sit-com torch, really I love them but what is the deal?!  I couldn’t get any episodes to work on my network after days of trying in a “private viewing room” (their page design is obviously weak) so I had to watch one in a group chat room which picks up where ever the group is watching...eewwww!  Are you fucking kidding me?  If I wanted to talk to someone while I watch TV I would go to my grandmothers house.  It freezes constantly but that should be worth the wait since they let you throw virtual tomatoes and all kinds of crap at the screen. It’s almost like they know how mad I am at this point.  It took me forever just to figure out how to download an episode…and now it’s not working.  I threw one tomato and then I went back to ABC.   My network connection may not be the strongest...but I'm not the only one and all the other sites work.

Spazz Rating: Stuck Up, well dressed Cock Tease who assumes we want to talk about her…nobody likes a tease.

NBC.com

picture-5

Me likey NBC!  They have several shows that I run to watch and their site is exceptionally user friendly, easy to navigate and gives you plenty of content to keep you more than entertained.  The amount of episodes vary by show but they have highlight clips posted for all current, and for some, previous season shows, to give you a taste of what you missed before the episodes available.  They’re not teasers but individual scenes, still, it helps.  The highlights are fun too if you just have a little time to kill in an airport and don’t have time to get engrossed.  Each show gets viewing page of it’s own design and the episodes glide from commercial to segment, unlike ABC which is nice.

You can also watch old school NBC classics like the original Battlestar Gallactica and Buck Rodgers which cycle seasons and episodes much like On Demand does.  FUN!!!

Spazz Rating: Sexy, Smart, an animal in the sack and a rockin’ good time.  The perfect rendezvous.

FOX.com

fox

Fucked!  I just erased and started over.  I had watched Fringe on their site and being new I guess they were trying to cultivate an audience for it so they put all the episodes up.  That’s not the case with most if not all of the other shows, there is no rhyme and Fox never appears to have a good REASON for anything so I’m going to stop expecting that there is one.  Some shows have many episodes but the chronology is whacked, skipping whole episodes.  Some shows give you lot’s of season highlight clips, some none.

I can understand why they would put more effort into the shows that are selling…but maybe attempt to generate some interest in other shows if they’re NOT and show me SOMETHING!  The videos take some time to start and they always immediately begin with the most recent episode without asking you which frankly is obnoxious and treats the viewer like an idiot.  If you watch every week, I think you might be okay, but if you don’t you’ll watch what they tell you to watch damn it!  Oh, and don’t try to tune-in to House every week for a recent show.  They wait 8 days after the episode airs to post that sucker…WHY?!

If funding is a problem, they could always siphon some of the free millions they will make off of The Watchmen...Cock suckers.

Spazz Rating: If this were a first date I would “go to the restroom” during dessert and leave this ass-munch to rot.

CWtv.com

picture-4

The page @ the CW (nick name: See Dub) is very user friendly but they don’t give you much.  At max any of their shows have 4 episodes available but at least they appear to be in order, though they only show them by title instead of number so they may have me snowed.  I’ve only ever watched individual episodes of some of their shows.  Either a friend of mine was on a show or because other friends tied me to a couch and made me watch them (please someone untie me!  I can’t watch another episode of Smallville unless Sam Witwer is on it!).  I can’t say I’m a fan of many of their shows (though Supernatural is pretty cool) but they do give you lots of goodies like cast interviews and inside looks which actually make me more intrigued to stay and keep watching.

Spazz Rating: It started as a Pity Fuck...but now they're growing on me...in a good way.

Post Date Night Summary over Brunch:

I get the whole “why show me everything, when I could tune in and make their sponsors happy?”  and my answer is simple…You have no power over me.  If I can log-on on my own time and check out what you’ve got, awesome!  I’ll dig it, I’ll spread the word and other people WILL watch it on a television.  I however am a very busy girl and if you want to entertain me, you’ll do it on my time…though I guess I’m not their target audience now am I.  Maybe that’s why only a few of them want me?  Oh but let me assure you, those are the only guys I’m gonna get in bed with anyway.

I can only hope for your sake that you have as much self-respect.