The economy must really be in the shitter because Trump is back to host a new season of The Celebrity Apprentice (what, you actually think he likes doing this?). Apparently even his comb-over is held down with credit card debt. At first glance, the celebrity guests look pretty promising: Joan Rivers and Dennis Rodman? That's more than enough to make me watch. But lets look at the full lineup:

CONTESTANTS

Clint Black, country music star
Claudia Jordan, Deal or No Deal Model
Tom Green, funny man and uni-baller
Jesse James, motorcycle man, TV star, and husband of Sandra Bullock
Dennis Rodman, NBA star and crazy man
Tionne Watlkins aka TLC's T-Boz
Natalie Gulbis, golf champion
Annie Duke, Poker Champion
Joan Rivers, comedian, TV personality, and plastic surgery victim
Melissa Rivers, TV personality, plastic surgery victim, and Joan River's great-great-great grand-daughter
Brian McKnight, R&B star
Brande Roderick, Playboy playmate
Scott Hamilton, master figure skater and uni-baller
Herschel Walker, former NFL star
Andrew Dice Clay, comedian
Khloe Kardashian, reality star

LEAN WIT IT, TRUMP WIT IT

Starting off the premiere episode, Trump decides to speak to the contestants for the first time of the season on the USS Intrepid, an aircraft carrier hovering on the New York Bay. You couldn't have just met them at a Starbucks? Okay, okay, I get it. You're Donald Trump. You have your own vodka, your own meat, and apparently some real estate somewhere, or something. You're also quite the trickster, Mr. T, because after setting such a stern tone on that aircraft carrier you tell the celebrities that their first challenge is to sell nothing other then...cupcakes? As Trump was giving the news I could tell from Tom Green's face that he had hoped for the first task to be "putting your bums on things." Putting your bum on things for charity? Screw walking. I want to put my dirty buttox on some asshole's sparkling Porsche 911 to support breast cancer research. But back to the show...

The task is to bake cupcakes and then peddle them on the street. Whichever team makes the most money wins. Sounds simple doesn't it? NBC, being the liberal, progressive network that it is, has the girls and boys separate and create two single-gender teams. Traveling to the female side, Joan Rivers decides to be project manager for the women's team, simply because she is the oldest. "I'm the only one there without a tampon in my pocketbook," she forces out of her tightly sealed mouth. They pick a team name, "Athena," which, from my knowledge, is the god of menustration. Over on the men's team, Herschel Walker chooses to be project manager and suggests "Kotu" as a team name, which I believe in old Japanese means "flaming gay."

You're so Fucking Fired

The two teams have to decide their selling locations. Joan Rivers gets knocked down by card hustler Annie Duke, Annie telling Joan that the selling location she proposes is a bad idea. Joan tells Annie that her location is best because "I am the wisest. I used to walk the earth with the brontosauruses." Joan then gives Annie an intense look of hatred, which Joan later confirms in an interview with the crew that "I was trying to smile, but nowadays I'm lucky if I even get a twitch."

Oh, how it is fine entertainment watching the rich and famous fail at something you learn in your high school home ec class. Someone on the women's team (I don't want to name drop, but NATALIE GULBIS) screwed up baking the chocolate cupcakes, making them collapse into themselves while in the oven. The women decide to cover up the mess by calling them "chocolate bombs." Even more pitiful and on the men's side, someone forgot to include the sugar in the cupcakes. Smart one, guys. Did you even put flour in it? We'll see...

The hustle and bustle sales on the street is the same as usual on The Celebrity Apprentice...contestants bring in rich friends, Joan Rivers gets arrested for psychologically abusing a five year old, and Dennis Rodman stays inside the sales van playing a PSP with his pants off.

The women end up winning by a a fairly small margin and Joan's charity now gets some money. Her charity? Making sure disabled people get dinner. Hmm. You couldn't have picked something more serious like AIDS in Africa? Or Mothers Against Necking?

BOARDROOM

Delicious Cupcakes

Although most men think project manger Herschel Walker should be fired simply because he's team leader, Jesse James thinks Dennis should be fired for sitting in the truck the whole time. Dennis stuttered out a response but it was basically indistinguishable. Something about a goose and a refrigerator. Or maybe a fireworks show? This show needs subtitles for this guy. Trump makes Herschel bring two people in. Herschel brings in Rodman and Clay.

Clay says he's willing to quit and drop out of the show because he doesn't like cupcakes. Trump doesn't like this. After the group takes a round of shots of Trump Vodka, Trump tells Andrew Dice Clay "You're hired. Wait, whoops that's an F on the cue card. Andrew, you're fired." Trump and Clay exchange thank you's (why, again?) and Clay rides the elevator down and hops in the cab. "West forty-third street. Happy hour table dance specials at Cheetahs Club. And step on it," he tells the driver. He then lights a cigarette and mumbles to the window.

SHOW VERDICT

Most of the contestants were pretty chill and non-dramatic. This is going to have to change. We're going to need to see some fist-fights and grammar school namecalling. I want to see Joan River's face melt to the ground from Dennis Rodman's fire breath. I want to see Khloe Kardishians slice off Tom Green's remaining testicle. Hopefully future episodes with contain such moral desolation. The Celebrity Apprentice Season 2 kicks off slightly dull, yet it's still entertaining. Hopefully it will only get better as the contestants simply get sicker and sicker of each other as the weeks continue.

Posted
AuthorAustin Rafter