All of us have an embarrassing period in our lives where we looked and dressed like something that should be punched repeatedly in the face. If you're not sure what I mean, I apologize for interrupting the sculpting of that magnificent faux hawk of yours. The point is that most of us grew out of that phase, and that our entire being wasn't permanently defined by the single most ridiculous period in our lives. Unfortunately, for Stanley Burrell, he's not most of us. We of course know Stanley more commonly as a man literally 2 Legit 2 cease doing what ever it was he was doing at any given moment. So legit was he in fact, that the second the family friendly persona that bought him a gold-dipped mansion, high above Oakland, begin to fall out of favor, he immediately abandoned it in favor of a thugged out gangsta image in a desperate attempt to cling onto relevancy. And really, what's more legit than pretending to be a street tough in order to pay for your grotesque opulence? But now Hammer is back with his latest display of unwavering legitimacy: a twitter sprinkled reality show, effectively combining two things that coveted demographics love with a star that fans of both have never heard of.

It's Hammert-DANCINGMAN!-me...

In catching up with the Hammersons, it seems that after buying everyone in Oakland a pony, then mysteriously finding himself with nothing left to show for 50 million albums sold, Hammer took refuge in Tracy, California. Ya see, Oakland's cool and all when you're young and buying diamond studded weed for your posse, but when it's all over and all you have left are Addams Family movie residuals, it's time to pack up the backup dancers and move it to Tracy. And now Stanley is just like us, with regular, every day problems that are just as boring and un-watchable as yours and mine!

It seems that Hammer's middle child, Jeremiah, is struggling at school and brings home a report card with a D in mathematics. Stanley then visits young Jeremiah's school for a conveniently timed "bring your father to work day" in which clever editing makes it look like the other children, in young Jeremiah's class, hadn’t even the slightest idea who Mr. Burrell was or that they had any more interest in him than the electrician dad before him.

Following a brief consultation with his child's teacher, which boiled down to "be active in the upbringing of your child, dipshit", Stanley took young Jeremiah home and read him one sentence about the human rib cage; which resulted in a 90.9% on a test of the human skeleton a week later. How that relates to a D in math - I'm not entirely sure - unless the test was to count the number of bones in the human body, in which case it's entirely relevant and I'm an asshole.

Ultimately, "Hammertime" is just another "slice of life" look at the every day exploits of the happy home life of a former celebrity, suitable for the whole family. Unless of course it's not well received by the public, in which case it will suddenly, without warning and for no good reason, become a show about bitches and money on the mean streets of Tracy, California. T-ville all up in this piece, biZznatch! That is, if you don't mind terribly. Thanks so much.

AuthorBTH Staff