Bring it, Bitches!

Note: Rather than post two reviews and hope that fans and non-fans alike will actually seek out two opinions, we decided to put ours together... Well actually, we vehemently disagree and Psych graciously allowed me to tear into his backward Penis logic maturely, graciously and uncensored.   Reporting for duty in bold red font…Spazarella

This will undoubtedly destroy all my nerd-cred YEP, but the truth must be told. Now that we're at the end of Battlestar Galactica I can finally make a proper judgment on it. It sucks. YOU SUCK DOODY HEAD! It has always sucked. NOT! From the beginning and straight through the ending. Battlestar Galactica, or BSG for short, is a show on Sci-Fi that has been around since 2004. The last episode of this four season waste of time aired yesterday, which is something I think everyone is pretty happy about. WHATEVER!!!  I CREAM FOR THIS SHOW.  YOU SHOULD BE SO COOL!

The new Battlestar Galactica, created by Ron Moore, is a re-imagined version of the television series that aired in 1978. I never watched the old one, and I can't make any comparisons. The new series begins in the future, with a highly advanced civilization of humans. These humans are then mostly wiped out by robots known as Cylons WHO WERE CREATED BY HUMANS AND MERCIFULLY BANISHED VIA TREATY TO THE FAR REACHES OF SPACE AFTER A WAR BETWIXT THE TWO CIVILIZATIONS . All that remains of the human race AFTER A GLOBAL SCALE NUCLEAR ATTACK is about 40,000 people, and a couple of space ships. The rest of the story is about the conflict between the humans and the Cylons that are hunting them. Sounds cool, right?  HELL YEAH! Robots, space ships, and war are all good things. So why does it suck?  DOES NOT!…DODDY HEAD.

bsg2

BSG is a show about characters and character development. The purpose of the show is to make you feel what the characters are feeling: to feel pleasure in their success, and pain in their losses. What this really accomplishes is a whole lot of boredom.  THAT IS IF YOU FIND THE HUMAN CONDITION, IT’S FRAILTY, THE QUEST FOR DIVINE TRUTH AND THE ENDURANCE OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT BORING, UNLIKE MYSELF.

BSG centers around the crew of the Battlestar Galactica, which is the only military ship left after the explosion of the twelve colonies where the humans lived. This isn't a bad thing. Military people are far more interesting than normal people IN SPACE WARS ANYWAY. After all, their actions determine the future of the human race. But, the crew is mostly made up of a bunch of weak individuals, who experience continuous bouts of being Emo. Hint: having your planet blown up and being chased by blood thirsty robots is not a reason to be Emo. It's a reason to pick up your gun and kick some ass.  GEE, CALL ME NUTS BUT IF MY WHOLE FAMILY, CIVILIZATION, WAY OF LIFE AND KNOWN EXISTENCE WAS INCINERATED WITHOUT WARNING BEFORE MY VERY EYES I WOULD PROBABLY BE A LITTLE JUSTIFIABLY EMO...AND GET ME A BIG FRACKIN’ GUN.

That isn't really the problem with the show. I can understand why you might be upset about having to run for your life. Occasionally, they even decide to fight back. AND THAT MAKES FOR GOOD TV.  SERVING THE GREATER GOOD BY FIGHTING ONLY WHEN NECESSARY IN ORDER THE HELP PRESERVE WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF THE HUMAN RACE, REPRESENTS HUMAN COMPASSION FOR ALL LIVING CREATURES (DEFINING THE PERCEIVED DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAN AND MACHINE) AND SURVIVE TO SEE ANOTHER EPISODE. The biggest problem with the show is the pacing. The series is four seasons long, and that's completely unnecessary UNLESS OF COURSE YOU TRULY ENJOY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Lots of episodes feature repetition, both within the episode and over a long episode arc BUT HEY AFTER 5 YEARS DON’T YOU NEED TO BE TOLD A FEW THINGS TWICE? There's no reason for Kara Thrace to whine for ten episodes about not knowing who she is. We got it the first time.  BUT STUMBLING UPON YOUR OWN DEAD BODY WOULDN’T FREAK YOU OUT FOR AT LEAST 10 DAYS?...OOOOOK. There's no reason for Colonel Tigh to get drunk in every episode. He has a character flaw. We understand.  HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC DUDE.  IT’S TOUGH TO COMPARTMENTALIZE ADDICTION OR SO I HAVE BEEN TOLD. And, there's no reason for Gaius Baltar to see people in his head all the time...actually, that's hilarious. If that was the whole series, it'd be a lot better.  IT’S A HUGE PLOT POINT AND I HAVE TO STRAIGHT-UP ARGUE FOR THAT ONE…AND IT WORKS…DOODYHEAD.

More like Boringstar Galactica

The show progresses very slowly. Lots of time gets spent on unimportant details, or rather things that you wouldn't really care about that the writers decide to make important. LIKE THE HUMAN STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MOTIVATED US TO LOVE AND FIGHT AND SURVIVE…BORING SHIT LIKE THAT YOU MEAN?  WOULD YOU PREFER THEY JUST MEASURE THEIR DICKS, HAVE ONE BIG WAR AND GET IT OVER WITH?  SOUNDS LIKE PORN TO ME! The end episodes spend a significant time talking about the character's pasts. The series is about to end. By this point you know a lot about each of the characters. There's no reason to talk about their pasts anymore. It didn't show anything that wasn't already known, and it used time that would have been spent better explaining the loose ends.  I DIDN’T KNOW ANY OF THAT SHIT AND I’VE WATCHED THE SHOW RELIGIOUSLY.  IT WAS RANDOM, I GRANT YOU THAT, BUT FOR A SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE, IT MADE SENSE TO ME.

Speaking of loose ends...we come to the last problem I have with the show. Some things just don't make sense.   TRUE

cylon-evolution* What's the difference between a human and a humanoid Cylon? Seems to me that Cylons aren't actually different from humans, except that sometimes they have super strength.  THEY NEVER SPECIFICALLY EXPLAIN WHICH I THINK JUST LEFT THE DOOR OPEN FOR ALL KINDS OF STUFF, STANDARD TV DEVICE; BUT NOT WORTH GETTING YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH. * Why do Cylons only have super strength sometimes? It's a plot device that makes no sense.  AGREED * Why is everyone so dumb? Often times in the show, people show obvious signs that they're about to do something mutinous. The officers know, and they don't bother to stop them.  THE ADMIRAL IS USUALLY IN FAVOR OF THE MUTINOUS BEHAVIOR AND WHO’S GOING TELL THAT GUY NO?  IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE BUT I AGREE THAT SOMETIMES IT’S AN OVER USED STORY IN THE SHOW. * When the humans started being friends with the Cylons, why didn't they just return to their home planet?  REMEMBER THAT NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST I WAS TALKING ABOUT?  I’M GOING TO GO WITH THAT…HOWEVER SAM AND THE OTHER CIVIES DID OK…BUT THEIR KIDS MIGHT HAVE THIRD EYES. * Why didn't the Centurions (killer robots), kill their Cylon overlords when they were freed from robotic slavery?  I DON’T THINK REVENGE IS PART OF THEIR PROGRAMMING.  YES, THEY FOUGHT WITH THE HUMANS, BUT THAT WAS FOR LIBERATION. * Why did they have to show two old people having sex?  I BLOCKED THAT OUT DUDE!  UGH! * Why does everyone I know call all robots Cylons? I hate that.  YOU’RE A CYLON, AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOODY HEADS.

I've repressed too many memories to remember everything I hate. In short, Battlestar Galacticahas an awesome storyline that is more or less forgotten in order to focus on character development WHICH IS APPEALING TO A PRETTY SUBSTANTIAL AUDIENCE; HENCE HUGE RATINGS, MASSIVE FOLLOWING AND CRITICAL ACCLAIM. The show progresses extremely slowly IF BY SLOWLY, YOU MEAN DELIBERATELY AND WITHOUT TOO MANY EXPLOSIONS. There is very little action for a show that is focusing on a war between two civilizations.  THERE’S A REASON THEY DIDN’T SELL POPCORN, PROGRAMS AND FOAM FINGERS DURING THE TROJAN WAR; SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY.  CONTINUOUS FIGHTING IS BORING FOR TV.  GO PLAY VIDEO GAMES IF YOU JUST WANT TO BLOW SHIT UP FOR DAYS. and the characters are all whiners who do stupid things.  THAT’S DRAMA BABY!  YOU WANT PREDICTABLE HAPPY INTELLIGENCE?  SEA WORLD MY FRIEND.  I HEAR THE DOLPHIN SHOW IS KILLER!

power-rangers200-thumb-285x247

PS: Fuck Helo. We can't kill the Cylons. That's genocide! What the hell do you think they want to do to you? Give you tea and crumpets? Moron.  HIS WHOLE POINT IS BEING THE BIGGER PERSON OR SPECIES AS THE CASE MAY BE.  HUMANS HAVE TO ABILITY TO EXERCISE COMPASSION AND LOVE WITHOUT PROGRAMMING, WHICH THE CYLONS TRY TO RECREATE BUT RARELY UNDERSTAND.

HEY, YOU CAN ALWAYS WATCH THE POWER RANGERS!  THEY JUST KICK THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER FOR 30 MINUTES AND ALWAYS WIN.  SIMPLE, UNCOMPLICATED AND HOSTILE…SOUNDS RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

PPS: The Green Ranger is my favorite. - Psych

Does this look boring to you?  Decide for yourself: