ducktales

1. You'll never have to loan out $10,000 to your friend and NOT get it back-- Most rich people swim in secret vault-rooms of gold coins, like Uncle Scrooge from DuckTales, so you'd be correct to assume that $10,000 is pretty tantamount to a penny from one of those "take a penny, give a penny" ashtrays at 7-11 to rich folks. You, on the other hand wait til Friday before you even think of eating a Filet-O-Fish. (Hurry folks,$1.29 Filet-O-Fish Fridays ends with Lent!)

2. No one will ever beat you up at the gym, because you bilked them out of their life savings through poor investing and irresponsible and unethical business practices-- Poor folks run on the treadmill for fun, not to save their lives. Read more.

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3. You'll always have Craigslist -- Craigslist has long time been a reliable and loyal companion to the poor person in all of us. Whether we're looking to purchase a slightly stained mattress, or get a job as a personal assistant to someone only tangentially related to the "industry," Craigslist is the quintessential Walmart of the internet, providing services, housing, significant others, and free shit for those of us who can't afford the "good" stuff. Sadly, Craigslist is of no service to rich people.

4. You'll never have to understand the inner workings of a hedge fund-- Ask a poor person what a hedge fund is, and they'll most likely tell you that it's some kind of porcupine like animal, not what it actually is-- the most abstrusely complicated financial concept in the universe.

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5. You won't have to waste tens of thousands of dollars on upkeep of a $500,000 yacht that you hardly use-- Imagine all the imaginary money you'll save!

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6. You wont have to worry about your kids murdering you in cold blood-- It's true. Money makes people crazy, especially kids. Look at Paris Hilton and the rest of the Hollywood money-klan who have since dedicated their lives to drugs, STDs, exhibitionism, and divorcing their parents once their bank accounts bulged. If you're poor , your kids will have less of a reason to shoot you in the face.

7. No one will give you a hard time for looking like crap-- Ok, so you have a giant freakish nose, or you're really fat, but no one will say anything to you, because poor people can't afford million dollar plastic surgery or a live-in chef to make you skinny. But if you're rich , that's no excuse. Rich peeps are expected to be beautiful, handsome, and have cellulite free skin all the time, because they can afford it. So, when we see richies like Tory Spelling and Sarah Jessica Parker, who take baths in cash, continue looking beat and equine, we have to make a big fuss, because-- Jesus, is that the best they can do?

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8. Avoid choice anxiety-- In his book, The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz discusses how having more choices creates more problems, anxiety, and stress in our lives. For example, poor people at a supermarket will mostly likely go for the cheapest cereal out there-- the kind that's in a bag, because their too poor to afford the box kind. There are usually three varieties, tops. You make your choice between Honey Nut Yay-ios, Fruit Hoops, and Frosted Fakes. However, once you become rich , you're choices multiply ten fold. Instead of three varieties, you have a Louvre-like selection to choose from. Picking cereal suddenly becomes a twenty-minute ordeal, and even when you do make the choice, you still wonder if you should have gone with the Golden Grahams.

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9. You only need one Oil Change-- Chances are you (poor person) have only one car. Lucky for you, that means, you have only one oil change to worry about. There is nothing on this earth that I detest more than the dreaded oil change. I hate how all the names promise that it will be EZ or occur in a Jiffy-- these are lies, deception of the worst kind, because no matter what, I am forced to return every god-damn 3,000 miles only to be fooled again. Each time, I'm there-- minimum, 2 hours. Because, in addition to changing my oil, I am often warned of an inevitable apocalyptic engine malfunction-- something along the lines of, if i don't get some metal tubey things replaced (for $300, no less) in the next ten minutes, my car will explode before Tuesday. Imagine how many potential death traps you'll be riding in if you had multiple cars, richy?

10. Avoid Gold-diggers-- If you are one of those hopeless romantics that believe in things like "love", holding hands, and that men like Lloyd Dobbler exist, then forming a relationship, where money isn't the foundation, means that you guys actually like each other's personalities or something, not each other's wallets, because most likely, there wont be anything in them, except for some quarters and a Vons card. Not to say that rich people can't have fulfilling, satisfying relationships, although, most seem to begin and end with cash on a bedside table.

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AuthorSilver