Emo Kid. Unacceptable
The original title for this was going to be “When Is It Not Okay to Be Emo,” but then I realized if I started writing that, I would never finish. Why do I bring this subject up? Well, simply because emo teens are entirely too prevalent, and if they’re allowed to breed, then we’ll have emo adults… The world simply is not ready for that.

So, what is emo, and why is it okay to have a hatred for people who describe themselves as such? Well, according to the miracle that is Wikipedia, emo was originally a genre of music, an offshoot of punk. And if it stayed that way, it would’ve been fine. But what we have now is more than a genre of music; it’s an entire subculture.

And that’s not bad in itself. Every generation has subcultures, but they seem to be getting progressively worse. When I was a young boy, the in thing was grunge. That subculture promoted laziness, drugs, a love of flannel, and good music.

As a teenager, I got to see the proliferation of the goth. And while goth music might not be much better than emo music, the goth kids seemed to keep to themselves. I think they even hated everyone else. Plus, if looking at a bunch of teenagers wearing all black with white painted faces doesn’t make you laugh, then I don’t think you’d be able to convince me that you have a sense of humor.

Emo, on the other hand, is really a thing of evil. It’s a subculture that promotes whiny children, stupid haircuts, terrible music, and depression. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t care that the little kids are depressed. I’m just afraid that when they grow up, they’ll be the acquaintance that you just wish was never born. The one that never shuts up about how their depression and how they want to cut themselves to fix the pain.

But the worst part is, they have no follow through. Emo children talk about how they want to cut themselves or kill themselves or do any of a thousand things in their self-hatred, but they never do it. The goth kids followed through with their piercings. The grunge kids are still smoking pot and don’t have jobs. The emo kid is just a whiner.

But even still, the entire subculture shouldn’t be dismissed. It is okay to be emotional, it is okay to be sad, and it’s even okay to whine…sometimes. So when is it okay to be emo? There are four instances that I can think of.

First, if you’re being tortured, it’s okay to be emo. If someone is actually waterboarding you, you can whine. If someone is trying to electrocute your testicles, you can be depressed. If someone is forcing you to listen to Hanson…you can say that you want to kill yourself. We’ll forgive you for that, because no one would want to be in any of those situations. But as soon as those situations have passed, you lose your right to be emo.

Acceptable Time To Be Emo

Second, if something truly disastrous has occurred, we’ll let that pass too. Let’s say your house burnt down, a tree fell on your car, and your significant other left you for a goth kid. If that happens, you can be emo. At least you have a real reason to whine. It’s not like your mom didn’t buy you the iPhone you wanted, or that the car your dad got for your birthday was the wrong color. If something happens that’s so bad that you need medication to forget about the pain, you can dress in black and part your hair to the side. Unless the drugs are really good, then it’s still not okay.

Third, if you are making a lot of money off of it…you can be emo. In this light, My Chemical Romance isn’t actually a shitty band. They’re just pretending to be that terrible so they can make money. And that’s okay. In this economy, we’ll forgive you for that too. However, this does not extend to encouraging the subculture. You are not allowed to glorify the emo subculture in any way. Ever.

The last reason it’s okay to be emo is if you’re a fourteen year old girl. Why fourteen? Because thirteen is the first year of being a teenager, and that’s an adjustment period. If we let girls be emo then, they might think the entirety of their teenage years should be filled with depression and bad music. Instead, we’ll let them experience a year of being a teenager, then if they’re so inclined they can be emo for a year. Hopefully, giving them that time to reflect will make them realize that there are better things in life. Why only girls? Simply put, boys aren’t adorable enough to get away with being whiny.

So, when is it not okay to be emo? The rest of the time. Seriously.