There are many things that are useful. Medicine has extended people's lives. The internet has trivialized the gathering of information. Vehicles let us travel across great distances in short amounts of time. In spite of these advances in technology, we now have a ton of useless crap that we should have gotten rid of a long time ago.

Mystery Books

Mystery books are false advertising. It implies that there is a mystery, but the author already knows the answer. Even worse, you get purposely misled for 200 pages before you realize that it was the guy you met in the last chapter. This package of lies needs to go.


Sexier than a TV on so many levels

Television shows are awesome. Television sets are old news.  You can hook up a monitor to make it work like a TV. Then, you can disconnect your cable and download shows without commercials. Now, while you watch TV, you can also experience the greatness of the internet.


Cats suck

Disease-ridden, allergy-causing flea bags. Cats claw you, whine at you, and then expect you to feed them. And what do they do for you? At best, absolutely nothing. If you're unlucky, they'll pee on your floor. If you're really unlucky, your girlfriend will talk about her cat for hours on end and expect you to care about how cute it is.

Babies wait. Babies are both more diseased and more useless. Unlike cats, a baby will not just pee on your floor, but also vomit on you. It will expect you to raise it for at least 18 years, and it will cost loads of money. On top of that, you can't neuter a baby, so eventually it'll get into trouble by having sex with something, most likely resulting in another baby. Doesn't get much worse than that.


Rap music sucks. In fact, it is so bad that rappers feel the need to shoot each other because of it. While killings have gone down in recent years, quality of music has not improved. Rap is so useless that things that sound like rap are also useless. Like gift wrap, which just adds a step before you can open a present.


Vegetarians deny the fact that hamburgers and bacon (and hamburgers with bacon) are gifts given to us directly from a higher power. Not only that, but they are actively trying to destroy the centuries of evolution that have allowed us to intake meat. Vegetarians are worse than useless, they're detrimental to the future.


She will only give you blue balls

I know what you're thinking. "Strippers are awesome! They show us their naughty bits without complaining." This is true, but that is all they do. There is an upgraded version of a stripper called a whore, which will do anything you want. Again, I know what you're thinking. "Whores are illegal!" But consider this: how fast would Congress legalize hookers if there were no strippers to distract them? My guess is it would be near instantaneous.

Text Messaging

Cell phones are wonderful. They allow us to communicate with people from afar, without having to pay 25 cents at a gas station. Text messaging, unfortunately, takes all the joy of being able to talk to your friends, converts it to a non-personal interaction, and charges you extra for the privilege. "We're not going out anymore. Didn't you get my text?!" No. The phone is already in your hand. Dial the fucking number and have a conversation. That's what phones are for.

Non-Alcoholic Beer

This should be fairly obvious. Beer doesn't taste good. The point of beer is the alcohol it contains. When you remove the alcohol from the beer, you have a useless drink. Need I say more?


Seriously. Useless

Snowmen are the most useless thing of all. The only thing a snowman can do is melt. It takes a lot of effort to make one, and there is no possible way that it will endure. So why even build it? To bring joy to children? It's a joy that will be shattered as they watch their new found friend slowly dissipate when the sun rises...

This list is in no way a complete listing of all useless things. After all, there are still old people, matches, crocodiles, libraries, Pokemon...