I used to be really good at lying. I once convinced someone that I was a professional keyboardist in a band. In reality, I'm surprised when I can play "Happy Birthday" on the piano. But, the truth doesn't matter. If you can lie properly, you can be anyone you want to be, do anything you want to do, and get away with murder. The problem is most people aren't good at it. For that reason, I (in my infinite wisdom) bring you this guide on how to deceive, distort, and delude.
Why should you lie?
Lying can be done for fun, for gain, or to absolve yourself of blame. Some people just enjoy lying. Twisting reality, bending the truth, and playing with people's minds can be an exciting hobby. Some people lie for some personal benefit. Lie to an employer about your skills to get a job. Lie to a girl at a bar to get laid. Lie to a charity organization to get money. It may not be the most moral thing, but it's certainly effective. Most importantly, people lie to avoid getting into trouble. Whether it's a little kid lying about eating the last cookie, or someone lying about banging their secretary, avoiding blame is the oldest and most often used form of the lie. But, how do you put together a proper lie? How do you avoid getting caught? That is by far the most important aspect of truth avoidance.
Putting together a good lie
What defines a good lie? You could say that one time you rode a Tyrannosaurus Rex into battle against the evil forces of Sauron, but no one's going to believe you. Even if you actually did (I have pictures!). A good lie is based in reality. It's something that people won't think about before accepting. If you want to lie about your sexual status, don't say you had sex with Madonna. Say you had sex with the singer from an unknown band. If you want to lie about your financial status, get an American Express Centurion card. It doesn't have to be real. Just have it in your wallet, right next to the keys to your Bentley (which will also be fake). Maybe a Bentley is a bit too much. Which brings us to:
How to avoid getting caught
Anyone can tell a lie, but a good liar won't get caught. The first step is to learn how to tell a lie without giving yourself away. Rapid heartbeat, eye contact (or lack thereof), blushing, and facial expressions are all telltale signs of a lie. The best way to avoid these signs is to practice lying. Lie about anything and everything for a while. Eventually, you'll either react like normal while lying, or people will think your lying reactions are normal.
The second, and hardest, part of the lie is maintaining it. If you say you have a Bentley, people will want to see it. If you say you can play piano, you better know at least one song. Keep a picture of a Bentley in your wallet, with you Photoshopped next to it. Now, when you say it's in the shop, you won't be immediately dismissed. Learn one song on the piano. If it's a really impressive song, that's all you need to know. And when you cheat on your significant other, make sure your excuse is air tight. If you say you saw a movie, make sure you know what it's about.
Next time you want to be someone else, tell a lie. Learn to manipulate words and you will learn to manipulate reality. With enough practice, eventually it won't matter that you live in your mother's basement (I don't live with her, she lives with me...), or that you're driving a broken down car (I just crashed my other car), or that you're unemployed (I swear I'm a writer!). Because even though you'll know the truth, no one else will. Unless you're really good. Then, you won't know the truth either.