After spending years analyzing Segway culture, I came to notice that Segway riders had their own own mating tactics not unlike other sub-cultures such as street racing and Razer scootering, but with it's own personal spin. I have recorded such tactics and compiled them into the following list. To make writing this list easier, I will use "girl" and "woman" interchangeably. Of course every tactic will work whether the girl is in grade school or in Geriatric care.

This Guy Didn't Follow This List

10. RIMS

It doesn't matter whether you ride an automobile, a Harley, a Segway, or a Rascal. You need to be ridin' on twenty-fours if you want to collect any poon-tang.

9. SPEAKER SYSTEM

Now, this could potentially hurt the budget. If you can afford it, get the best sound system you can, two huge speakers and a fatty woof. If money is an issue, than a ten dollar speaker set from Walgreens will have to suffice. Of course you won't get any bass, so focus on the type of girls who will get hot from those seductive, trebly sounds.

8. LEAN WIT IT

Just one note:  Don't lean TOO far back while riding. If you fall on your ass it's going to make this whole endeavor fucking useless. Also, hydraulics are always a surefire addition to your Segway seduction arsenal.

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7. THE VULTURE

A move I picked up years ago. Basically it consists of circling around a girl or group of girls on your Segway. Trust me, they like this. Once they look irritated and start walking in a different direction, just stop the circling and start following them. They take that as a compliment. Girls love when guys have a respect for commitment.

6. LOITERING

If you overhear a girl saying she’s going to her boyfriend’s place, ask her if you can give her a ride there. If she accepts, have her hop on the Segway with you, drive to your place, and then when she asks “What are we doing here?” simply tell her that in Segway sub-culture, when a woman hops on a Segway with a man, it signifies that that man is automatically her new boyfriend and lover.  If she happens to run away, just ride after her. Again, woman love a committed man.

5. MOVES

The move I've seen that seems to get the most results is the Handlebar-Handstand. When doing circles, it's grace at it's finest.

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4. TRICKERY

Pick your target, ride up to her, then screech it to a halt. Now that you have her attention, proceed to tell her about the new hot girl-seeking device you just had installed.

3. PAINT JOB

Neon pink. This color seems to stand out the best against the background, making visibility top-notch. However, bizarrely, this tactic doesn't seem to produce results in West Hollywood. If this is your target area, maybe try an earth tone.

2. NAS

Nothing impresses a girl more than a guy with a need for speed. And with boosters that baby just might hit 25.

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1. ZACH EFRON MASK

If all else fails. It has no relevance to a Segway per se, but the combination of a Segway and Zach Efron is no doubt going to blow their mind. Trust you me, they won't even know what just happened. Act out a scene from "17 Again" for the coup de grace.

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AuthorAustin Rafter
CategoriesTop List