1. The semi-safe feeling of being able to walk the streets of L.A. without worrying about a prematurely released inmate attacking me with a prison memento, namely a shiv. 2. Having semi-intellingent conversations with people who are younger than me but will now be too daft to even form complete sentences due to the increasingly lax education system.

3. Drinking unlimited amounts of water from the faucet. The monitoring of water consumption may very well force me to chance contracting a new-fangled version of the bubonic plague as I wade into the L.A. River to collect water for my tin pail.

4. The pollution haze as opposed to the inevitable takeover of pot fumes once the California government realizes the legalization and mass taxation of weed is the sole means by which it can rapidly save this sinking ship.

5. Job variety. Wal-Mart or chain gang is the only viable source of employment for a Californian nowadays.

6. That carefree feeling I used to have when taking a bite out of meat. Now all I can think of is: "What a wide array of animals and parts this must contain so that food and meat packing companies could cut costs wherever possible."

7. Not feeling like an asshole for not being homeless.

8. Staying in college for as long as humanly possible without being abruptly cut off by the parental unit because you became the primary cause of their homelessness (you just had to choose a frivolous major like Chicano Studies, didn't you?).

9. Well-maintained freeways.

and, finally,

10. Sales tax less than 9.25%.

Thank you, California, you had a good run, but I'm afraid you must now renounce your title as "The Golden State" as I bend over for you to ass rape me and my paycheck for more tax money.

AuthorSmoking Barrel
CategoriesTop List