Almost everything has a return policy, so it seems reasonable that eventually newborns Bye bye Baby!

will come with a return policy as well. And while there are usually restrictions on returning items, there are definitely some good reasons to return a child. It is our duty as scientists to determine what those reasons are. After all, a hideous baby is really the fault of your own genetics more than a flaw with the child itself, and we can’t allow every child to be returned.  (Or can we…) In any case, I present to you, the top 5 reasons to return a baby.

Wrong Size

It is important to note that children are much like clothing when it comes to returns. Therefore, the first reason to return a baby is because it is the wrong size. Maybe you wanted it to be a football player and it came out small. Maybe you wanted it to be a jockey and it came out too big. Either way, if the child is the wrong size, it should be returned immediately. If you’re going to be raising it for 18 years, you may as well start off right.

Wrong Gender

In the same respect, if the child is the wrong gender, it may not have the future you envisioned for it. As a good parent, it is your responsibility to give your child every advantage and gender matters. Future gold-diggers are preferably female. Future lumberjacks are preferably male. There are obviously some exceptions to the rule, but why oppose societal norms?

Buyer’s Remorse

It happens occasionally, and without any rationality behind it, that a couple will decide it’s time for them to have a child. But when they get home, they realize that children are loud and breast feeding hurts the nipples.  Suddenly, the parents aren’t getting any sleep, and relatives keep pestering them. It’s at this point that people realize that children are a terrible idea, and they want to return them. Keep in mind that we’re not suggesting that if you accidentally pop a child you can return it. That would be wrong.

Wrong Color

One of these is not like the other

This is more a personal problem than a child defect, but it could seriously affect your life. If your child comes out a different color from the father, you might want to get a return. Preferably before the father sees the child. At the very least, go for an exchange. While this is no fault of the child (you slut), it will affect its future if the father hates it. Therefore, returns will be allowed for children coming out the wrong color.


Whereas getting things for free is normally good, getting an extra baby is not. It doubles the cost, the effort, and the time consumption.  If ever there was a good reason for a return, it would be having twins. It’s similar to ordering a double cheeseburger, and it getting one without meat. Or going on a date with a hot girl, to find out she wants the wrong kind of threesome. These situations should just not occur.

While these are all good reasons for returning babies, there is still the question of what you return the baby to. Obviously, you can’t return it to the doctor. He wasn’t the one that spawned it. You can’t return it to sperm and eggs. That’s just impossible. So, I guess until that’s decided, these guidelines will have to remain unused. Sadness.

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