It's a hard life for the nondrinker There are many "holidays" reserved for drinkers. Days like Superbowl Sunday, St. Patrick's Day, and Thanksgiving are set aside for those who love to get drunk. But the greatest of these days is Cinco de Mayo. As a nondrinker, these holidays in general are difficult to celebrate. If your life is anything like mine, you are probably left to supervise (and take blackmail photos) as your friends drink themselves into comas. But what if you don't want to sit around while other people are having alcohol induced orgies? What if you hate bars? What if you hate your friends? Don't worry! I've put together a list of fun activities you can do to celebrate Cinco de Mayo and still have fun.

Learn Spanish

Cinco de Mayo means 5th of May

Okay, we all know that Mexicans in Mexico don't really care about Cinco de Mayo. It's a holiday invented by Americans to celebrate drinking. But, as long as we're pretending we care about someone else's heritage, we may as well try to learn the language. Plus, knowing a little Spanish will help you pick up the ladies. I've put together a couple phrases that are really just fantastic.

Let's say you meet someone in a bar, and you want to tell them they're rather attractive. Use the phrase: "Tengo un gato muy peligroso en mis pantalones para ti." I can assure you that you will shock and amaze whoever you are trying to impress. The best part it, it will work on both males and females.

Now, let's say you want to ask a woman out to dinner. You can say, "Quiero cenar con sus senos." As you can see, we're using the formal word for "you" (which Google doesn't properly translate) in this sentence. Acting like a gentleman is bonus points!

Set trashcans on fire

I was in Mexico one night and every house started a little bonfire. I wasn't sure why then, but it occurs to me now that this is how Mexicans traditionally celebrate holidays. S,o to honor them on Cinco de Mayo we can set trashcans on fire. When the police question why you're setting them on fire, just tell them that you're being a good Mexican. They'll check to see if you're drunk, but you won't be! Which may or may not absolve you from guilt...The only problem is you might feel like a hobo. But don't worry, we have plenty more activities for you!

Go to a cockfight or run your own!

The honorable sport of Cock Fighting

This does not mean you should fight people with your cock. That would be...Actually, if you want to do that go right ahead. Considering everyone else will be drunk, they'll probably assume you are too, and you might be able to get away with it. It's probably about as legal as going to an actual cockfight. You know, the kind where roosters fight each other. Which is another traditional Mexican activity that does not necessarily involve drinking.

Go dancing and pick up drunk chicks

If you're a chick or gay, you can also pick up drunk guys. But for some reason, I don't think drunk guys are nearly as appealing as drunk chicks. In any case, girls always love to dance. On Cinco de Mayo, they'll be doing it drunk which will make them easier targets. It'll be a good chance to try out the Spanish phrases I've given you. Or you could try "Tengo un lagarto enorme. Su nombre es grande (add your name here)." It loosely translates to "Would you like to dance? Nice to meet you. My name is: "

Celebrate like a Mexico

Do nothing. Pretend it's a normal day. Relax. Take a long bath. Play some video games. Have a nice dinner. Of course, that's kind of boring. So, let's get to the best and most fun activity you can do as a nondrinker on Cinco de Mayo.

Take up drinking

Real Mexican Tequila

That's right. Maybe you have good reasons for not drinking. Your family has a history of self destructive alcoholism, you're a diabetic and drinking will (literally) kill you, you've been sober for 20 years. Well, get over it. The most fun you can have on Cinco de Mayo is to go hang out with your friends and get drunk. But, that doesn't mean that you can't also pick up drink chicks with awesome Spanish phrases and set trash cans on fire! It's a long night...make the most of it!