Is the iPhone toast?
So you finally got an iPhone. Congratulations! Either you waited in line for three days at your local Apple store or your significant other bought it for you to secure sex for another good two to three months. But no matter how you got the iPhone, it is now irrelevant. You, at this very moment, have one of the coolest devices on the planet. There are a few things, however, that you weren't expecting. No, it doesn't blow up upon impact, and it doesn't yell at you when it catches you stealing money from your mother's wallet (that app is still in development), but some issues still need to be addressed. They are the five iDeficiencies:

NO CAMERA FLASH

I know. Apple was able to put in a full fledged operating system but not a little light bulb. Now you must face the new facts in the dark. FACT: You can not impersonate a paparazzi. FACT: You can not take pictures of your attractive, drunken friends in a painfully underlit bedroom. BOTTOM LINE: You now have a seizure proof phone. Cross out the humorous option of watching your epileptic friend piss himself at the bowling alley.

NO MMS

No picture messages and no video messages. One of the worst iPhone deficiencies. There's nothing I like more than to forward funny, explicit pictures to friends, family, and ex-girlfriends. There's also nothing I like more than receiving funny, explicit pictures from friends, family, and future girlfriends (the right photo = deal breaker). It's such a hassle typing out what you are seeing when a homeless man steals a tricycle from a third grader. It's so much easier to take a picture and simply MMS it. "I think he's deaf because he doesn't seem to be aware that he is still ringing the bell." Yeah...I don't want to have to spend the time writing that. I want to simply press a button, record the scene, and send it. Come on, this is supposed to be phone 2.0.

Obama will replace Biden with an iPhone in 2012 after third-party releases "Gaff" app.

NO COPY AND PASTE

Tracking number ZBJS7AL130014A534VPAOLEJ11; yeah you're going to have to remember that.

NO EXPANDABLE MEMORY

It's quite an exciting moment when you picture yourself in your confined cubicle covertly watching full seasons of The Office and 30 Rock in HD, but you're going to have to limit it to just one or two seasons or lower quality if you plan on also storing other essentials like music and apps. 8gb or 16gb is all you got. You also can't access the hard drive to store files outside of iTunes and even if you buy a third-party program that lets you, you still can't open those files on the phone.

NO .AVI PLAYBACK

Sorry, those illegally downloaded episodes of Two and a Half Men won't play on your iPhone. Why? Because they are AVI. Going to have to pay for a converter. Sound familiar? It's the bannered slogan hanging in Apple's Cupertino headquarters: "Make them pay for abso-fuckin-lutely everything." Not sure if I actually want to start buying media from now on, you know? I don't think just because I lack morals that I should have to pay extra in the long run (that's also going out to you, Bible).

FINAL VERDICT

Despite these deficiencies, the iPhone is still a good buy. Although it lacks certain functions that are nothing new in the smartphone world, all of it's pros still outweigh the cons. What are the pros? Have you even watched an iPhone commercial lately? It may not be Phone 2.0, but it's certainly nothing less than Phone 1.6, and just like my parents taught me, a 1.6 is still good enough to write (or text) home about.

Posted
AuthorAustin Rafter