Alright, so, for the record, I am not trying to encourage terrorism in case anyone reading this is looking to put me on some sort of government list sanctioned by The Patriot Act, but am I the only one who thinks that terrorists are totally missing the boat on a surprise attack by egregiously overlooking how fucking oblivious Americans become on Super Bowl Sunday? Apart from me, who opted to watch the dystopic narrative of Children of Men on game day, and maybe eleven other people nationwide, the vast majority is either glued to their TV, their keg, or their chip bowl on one Sunday a year. It just seems like the ideal time to emit noxious gas into the air (unless you live in L.A. and the point is already moot), explode a city block of apartment buildings, or announce some grand terrorist message of hate on TV as lackeys to the cause hold every single NFL player hostage. My guess is that this thought has never crossed the terrorist mind because it loathes American culture too much to truly examine its sadder obsessions and thus has not realized how goddamn much we love to watch robust men in painted on pants and helmets smack into each other. So much in fact, that for about three solid hours, nothing else exists. And I’m just saying, three hours is ample time for a terrorist with ingenuity to wreak some havoc. I mean, for fuck’s sake, there’s other ways to instill mayhem without using a fucking plane. If you’re going to be obnoxiously cruel and carry out random acts of evil, at least employ a little panache. It’s what Stalin would have done.

AuthorSmoking Barrel