Okay, okay, today everybody's Irish.  I get it.  Lying to be included in this debauchery we like to call St. Patrick's Day is the easy part.  The hard part is surviving the drinking, the loaf like behavior, the subsequent hook-up, the hangover and still show up for work the next day. Not to worry my young protégés, consider the following as Doctor's orders and heed the prescriptions dispensed.

1. Use The Buddy System

It is imperative that at least one member of your party be sane.  Decision-making is crucial and best left to those unimpaired or those with better judgment than the drunken monkey you have the potential to become.  Like swimming in the ocean, after diving into the heady seas of alcohol, always snorkel with a buddy.

2. Do Not Wear Green

Nothing says 'noob' like wearing green.  Besides not wearing green invites pinching. Hopefully from pretty girls or boys.  That means they have to touch you.  Human contact is good and leads to other rewards.  You see where I am going with this, if not stay home.  Not everyone has to mate and you are probably one of those people.  BONUS ASSIGNMENT:  If you really want to stand out wear blue instead and remind people that blue was St. Patrick's traditional color.  Then point out that green was simply implemented to mimic the wearing of the Shamrock. BONUS BONUS ASSIGNMENT: Dress as an American Indian and tell people that your great grandfather screwed an Indian out west as he built the railroads.

3. Do Not Go To A Bar That Serves Green Beer

Many-seasoned barfly's will attest to the fact that this holiday is an invitation to lure rookie drinkers into puking their guts out at the end of the night.  The entertainment value may be high and tempting for seasoned drinkers but it gets annoying very quickly.  STAY CLEAR OF THE GREEN BEER DRINKERS!  Drunken episodes usually end in girlfriends screaming at their dates or intoxicated boyfriends looking for an ear and a new BFF to complain to.  Look for places that actually pull a decent draft of Guinness as opposed to pouring a bottle into the glass.  NOTE:  A proper pint of Guinness will be pulled halfway into a glass then let rest for 2 full minutes before filled completely.  The double pour is standard in all legitimate bar operations.

My local favorite in Ventura County is the Crown & Anchor in Thousand Oaks.

2891 E Thousand Oaks BlvdThousand OaksCA 91362

http://www.crownnanchor.com/index.htm

4. Drink One Glass Of Water After Every Drink

Hydration is the key to avoiding the dreaded morning after syndrome we like to call hangovers.  And eat the pretzels or other carbohydrate bar snacks.  This will not only absorb some of the alcohol but will also keep you from some of the effects of the aching muscle fatigue associated with over-ingesting.

5. Never Drive Drunk

This is the most important rule of all.  If you can only entertain one of my points this is the one to follow.  The bottom line is there is no taxi ride that will cost you 2 grand in this city.  Not to mention the aggravation and community service hours.  Especially on this day there are many services that will actually offer free rides home for the smart ones among us. Heineken offers services through 1-800-TAXICAB or check with your favorite bartender.

Last But Not Least:

Tip you cheap bastard.  If you don't have the money to tip, stay at home.  Bartenders put up with a lot of crap to make you happy, reward their efforts!