As time progresses, the rules of dealing with other people change dramatically. It wasn't so long ago that fatties were considered sextacular. And girls in pants? Entirely new. As rules change, it's important to keep up on the social conventions. After all, you wouldn't want to join an orgy without knowing the rules, and how much does one tip after visiting a glory hole? Curious? Me too. Let's begin.
Meeting New People
It's hard to meet people these days. There's so much technology now, that you'll never find a person who isn't on their cellphone, using their laptop, or listening to their iPod. But you can also use technology to your advantage. All you need is a person's name, and you can find out everything about them. And won't the future love of your life be impressed when you show up with her favorite food and ask her about her favorite movie? The best part is, she won't even know that you're an internet stalker...until you tell her.
Feeling Someone Up
Assuming you stepped away from your computer long enough to meet someone, you'll probably want to feel them up. Unfortunately, due to sexual harassment laws, it is no longer possible for a man to feel up a woman without proper legal documents. (Of course, any woman is still allowed to feel up any man. It is also required, by law, for a woman to feel up any other woman she comes across for a period of no less than three seconds.) If you really want to feel someone up, you're going to need to trick them. Pretend to fall and hurt your knee. When she comes over to look, lift your hands to her breasts, give them a nice full grab, and then pass out. This works at least 90% of the time.
Alcohol Induced Orgies
At some point in everyone's life, they end up at an alcohol induced orgy. Oh, it never starts off like that. It's always a game of Scrabble gone horribly wrong, that ends with someone being violated by a stuffed penguin. In these situations, it's important to remember to follow proper orgy etiquette. It is not okay to have sex with the girl you've been stalking just because she's passed out. First you need to say, "If you don't want me to have sex with you, say stop." And remember, it's of utmost importance to use protection. Because if you don't lock the door, someone might notice what you're doing.
Tipping at Glory Hole
Ever wonder what happens if you tip $2 after "visiting" a glory hole? I can only assume hilarity ensues. While it's important to tip your waiters (so they don't spit in your food), and important to tip your hair dresser (so they don't spit in your hair), you should avoid tipping at a glory hole. You should also avoid tipping your girlfriend. I'm not sure why exactly. She did a really good job, and I just wanted to say thanks! For whatever reason, it seems that there's just no tipping when it comes to sex.
There are other social conventions that should be followed. Only sneeze on people you don't like. Inform people you have herpes before sex. Don't let anyone see you eat the last cookie. Life can be hard when you don't know the rules. But you'll be okay if you always remember the golden rule: It is NEVER acceptable to kick someone in the nuts.