With all the recent talk about the apocalypse, 2012, psychics and all that kind of hootenanny, I decided to start a cute little series entitled Signs of the Apocalypse. First up is America's craze with the chimpanzee story out of Stamford Connecticut. Unless you've been sleeping inside someone else's stomach (which I occasionally do, under doctor's orders), you've probably heard about this dumbass story. A crazy-fuck woman, Sandra Herold (who I will affectionately refer to as "crazy Sandy"), owned a 200-pound chimp as a pet; the chimp proceeded to attack humans, and promptly was murder death killed (thanks, Demolition Man!) by a local police officer. OK, so what?...you might ask. Well, I do ask.

Travis the Chimp...or Travis the PIMP?

Why the fuck do I care about this? The only reason I care is that I've heard about this story about 600 times since it broke on Monday. Going to the gym in the morning, the Today Show is on and has covered this story every day since it broke; today Kevin & Bean discuss the story on their morning radio show on radio station KROQ; Fox News, L.A. Times, CNN - you name it - have been covering this story. Once again - why the fuck do I care about this? More importantly - why the fuck does EVERYONE care about this? Maybe it's just that there's nothing else going on. Maybe...

President Obama is heading to Canada, Hillary Clinton arrives in Jakarta, Indonesia, for her second visit in Asia, the man who's shoe was heard around the world is standing trial, automakers are asking for more bailout money and states are fighting for money from the stimulus bill Obama passed. But what does America care about? We fucking care about Travis the chimp...? Am I missing something?

Maybe it's that I'm not some huge animal lover, but give me a break. Over 150,000 humans die every day, and we might hear about 1 or 2 of them in the news. One chimp gets shot up and it makes national news? I feel like I need to go on a Lewis Black rant just to get all my questions out about why anybody, other than crazy Sandy, cares about this chimp dying.

Sandra Herold aka Crazy Sandy

Can someone...anyone...explain to me why I should give a rat-fuck about Travis the chimp? Better yet, why has America gone ape-shit (pun intended, of course) over him? So if someone wants to make the national news wire, all they have to do is kill a chimp? If it's a dolphin, will the President discuss it in his next national broadcast? In the midst of the biggest economic crisis the world has ever seen, with a new US administration not even a month old, we are about this?

I want to send a collective "go fuck yourself" to all the national media covering this bullshit, meaningless, unnecessary story. I also want to send a warm, from the bottom of my heart, "go fuck yourself" to you, crazy Sandy: without you owning a 200-pound chimp as a pet (who does that anyhow???), I wouldn't be this worked up, and the American people wouldn't be this fucked in the head. Next time I see a chimp, or meet a man named Travis, I am going to piss on their feet. (Do chimps have feet?)