I don’t read the news. I don’t like news stories. I think people who write news just find anything that can be a topic and then make things up for four paragraphs…which is my job. Why would I want to read something that I could’ve written? The purpose of the news is to inform, and I suppose it does accomplish that goal. But, the information given tends to be unimportant and often based in opinion.  Here are some examples of today’s news, and what’s wrong with it.

Microsoft, Yahoo team up to ding Google with Bing

Source: Yahoo

Problem:  This article is actually pretty good. Watching wars between internet giants is fun, so the content is interesting. The problem is this line:

Taking over the search responsibilities on Yahoo's highly trafficked site gives Microsoft a better chance to convert Web surfers who had been using Google by force of habit.

Force of habit? Really? How many of you use Google out of habit? I’ve tried using every other search engine, and the only one that brings up any useful results is Google. Bing isn’t nearly as good, except possibly for image searching. Maybe, I’m just nitpicking, but I don’t like it when a news article tells me that I’m only using something out of habit, when I’m using it because it’s the best. Also, this information doesn't really change anything for anyone but an investor. Investors, of course, already knew this was going on.

Title: Doctor suffering financially when he decided to work for Jackson

Source: CNN

A weird peanut creature could write more interesting things.

Problem: This should be obvious. First, the title is a problem. Michael Jackson died a long internet time ago. We shouldn’t have to assume that Jackson means Michael. Second, the content. Who cares about Michael Jackson’s doctor? The fact that a front page CNN news story is about the possible wrongdoing of a celebrity’s doctor makes me cry for society. Finally, let’s be serious. What doctor doesn’t have financial problems? And if you did have financial problems, wouldn’t you rush to work for Michael Jackson if you could? That seems an obvious choice. And would you kill your cash cow? I wouldn’t.

Title: Foetus cut from murdered US woman

Source: BBC news

Problem: No, that’s not a typo. They’re British, and they spell funny. The problem is that it’s not much of a news article, and there’s no real purpose for it other than shock value. Yes, that’s shocking, but not informative. The information it provides is on the same level as having a news article about an abortion…or about going to the dentist. A secondary problem is that letting people know that this sort of thing is possible really just encourages that sort of activity. Now you know that you can murder your friend and steal her baby. Gross.

Title: Tanning beds as carcinogenic as asbestos and cigarettes

Srsly. Obvious.

Source: Los Angeles Times

Problem: Let’s go with the obvious factor on this one. We know this. Everyone knows this. This article may as well be saying that having a knife in your lung is not conducive to healthy living. Getting shot in the head will ruin your day. Showing your tits will make people stare at you. Stripping in front of your students will get you fired. A topic like this is only informative if you haven’t been paying much attention.

I want to point out that all of these are front page news story. Not only that, they were the first or second topic on the list. I didn’t skip over titles because they sounded like they might’ve been factual and interesting. I didn’t even go back to yesterday. Have we become so retarded this stuff gets hits? If so, I cry for the future.