Keeping with the Holiday tradition, it’s time to discuss Labor Day. Once upon a time Labor Day had something to do with people working. Since capitalism has assaulted the ability for people to get the day off on Labor Day (particularly in the retail sector), this is no longer the case. Fortunately, labor also refers to women giving birth. There’s plenty of those right now, and we can still celebrate this holiday.
Look around. In every direction there is a woman either pregnant, with a newborn, or actually in the midst of giving birth. Since, I don’t understand why a person would ever want to have a baby, I consulted the wikipedias, which told me:
Labor is one of the three fundamental forms of activity that form the vita activa. It is repetitive and never-ending.
I don’t know what a vita activa is, but I do know this. This process needs to end. Children are not cute, so much as a disease that plagues our Earth. And here is why.
Children are parasites. From the moment of conception, they feed on the womb of the host mother. During the whole process of pregnancy, the parasite will cause the woman to eat more. Once the labor process has been completed, the parasite will then feed on everything around it until it dies. It also has the possibility of becoming extremely destructive or emo, with little possibility of anything in between. Given that, why would you want to spawn more? Godzilla also consumes and destroys. He is, however, significantly cuter than most children and also combats giant moth creatures, dragons, and Mecha-Godzilla.
Children Make Women Unattractive
It is suggested that pregnant women are hot. I’ve never understood this concept for three major reasons. First, no matter how much bigger the breasts get, the stomach increases disproportionately. In other words, being pregnant turns chicks into fatties. Second, even though they can’t get pregnant while they’re pregnant, they’ll eventually expel a parasite. That parasite is like herpes, in that it never goes away. Finally, once a woman has a child, you know they can never be trusted to not have a child in the future. You will always have to wear at least two condoms to combat this. If you’re doing that, you may as well not have sex.
The reason there is a Holiday for Labor Day is so that people don’t have to Labor. I know this may sound counter intuitive, but it’s true. The Canadians fought hard so that we could take a day away from laboring, and we need to celebrate that. Labor, as in work, sucks because it’s usually something unpleasant that you’re forced to do in order to acquire enough money to eat. Or if you’re a farmer, just to eat. Labor, as in childbirth, is something no one is forced to do. It is extremely painful and kind of gross. So, at the very least, we should avoid having children on Labor Day. (And also every other day)
Dear readers, please heed my call and stop getting pregnant on Labor Day. Or anywhere near Labor Day. I know you want someone to take care of you in your old age, but there are other options. If you must have children, consider getting pregnant immediately after Labor Day. That way, you’ll be done in time to celebrate.