Let’s talk about marriage. Marriage is an idea that people are quickly becoming disenchanted with. As more and more people believe that it is okay to get divorced, they stop wanting to be married. It loses meaning if you can get out of it. But people still want sex, and so not only do they not get married, but they become increasingly promiscuous. Or worse, they develop ideas like polyamory, so that they can share their love (sex organs) with others and still be married. Within 100 years, we will be a nation of sluts. I am not pleased with this idea. As always, I have the solution.
In order to stop the world from descending into the Second Circle of Hell, we need a response. That response is New Marriage. New Marriage is kind of like old marriage, and by old marriage I mean Biblical marriage. And by that I mean if you commit adultery or divorce, you get shot. In the head. With bullets. And not love bullets. Bullets that cause death. Or set on fire. Or electrocuted. Or ya know. Something to that effect.
By invoking New Marriage, we can restore the sanctity of marriage. People will once again have to think about what they are doing before they make a lifelong commitment, and with technology (camera phones, video tape, etc) it will be very easy to prove when someone is cheating on someone else. And no, polyamory is not okay in New Marriage. It’s a one to one relationship. If you don’t like that, don’t get New Married.
New Marriage will solve many problems. For one, girls (or guys) who marry for money will have to be committed to that relationship for the rest of their lives. There is no remarrying after death in New Marriage. There is no having sex with other people after your partner dies in New Marriage. You are committed for your life time. Secondly, we’re going to open New Marriage up to all people. That includes same-sex New Marriage. There’s no reason anyone shouldn’t be able to put their life on the line to show that they care about someone, regardless of sexual orientation. Finally, New Marriage will restore meaning to an dying institution. We very much need marriage to be sacred. It’s the culmination of the highest of our emotions. It is the most of ourselves that we can share with another, and in its current state you may as well just give someone a rose. It’ll wither almost as quickly.
And for old marriage? It hardly matters what you do with it. Keep for people who are borderline committed, but think they might divorce someday. New Marriage will be for those who are willing to risk everything to show their love. I think that’s how it should be.