Thus far, I have discovered that there are many occasions in which I threaten impending death. "If that happens, I will die" has become one of my favorite overused statements. Here is a short list of some of the situations where I should have died, (but miraculously didn't):death 1. If I sit in traffic for more than 5 minutes 2. If I get a parking ticket 3. If he doesn't call 4. If I'm late 5. If I walk one more step 6. If there is no more mustard 7. If I don't get into Columbia 8. If I don't book that commercial 9. If they forgot the hot sauce 10. If you make me drink that Orange Vitamin Water 11. If it rains 12. If it's cloudy 13. If I don't go to the bathroom right now 14. If I don't get an A 15. If I get a C 16. If I can't pay my credit card bill 17. If he farts 18. If my boobs don't grow 19. If you eat the last chicken McNugget 20. If I fail my drivers test twice

I probably utter this phrase, once an hour, which means that I technically should have died about a million by now. Clearly, somebody up there likes me. Coming soon:  "I will kill you if you..." reasons

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