Why do I still wait for boys to call me? I swear, it started in 3rd grade, and now, I'm forever trapped in this dumb-ass game of waiting. With cell phones, it's 10x worse. Girls check their Blackberries every minute hoping to hear that familiar beep beep beep-- a harbinger of hope- to bring meaning to their otherwise empty lives.

Obsessing is my specialty, as you should all have figured out by now. It's like my full time job, which complements my part time Google work, rather nicely.

So, I totally need to expand on this phone etiquette, I realize. The waiting part is the easy chump stuff. But what happens when you finally pick up?

Smart girls who get laid by actual boyfriends and not by one night stands demand that you cannot, by any means pick up on the first ring. If you do, you are saying that you have been staring at that phone, waiting for potentially the last 3 hours willing it to ring. Obviously, you have been, but you don't want to come across as mental. Save that for the third date.

Wait three rings. Then pick up, but breathless, like you were working out or like you were far away from the phone. This signifies that the last thing on your mind is the phone and the boy. You were working out in Argentina, practically... or maybe you were trekking across the Andes, and you just happened to hear Chris Brown's "Forever" playing in the distance, and you sprinted over, because it might be an important call from your agent, but instead, it's only "you."

Exactly. You wanna give the impression that, "oh, it's only you." "Hello, it's only you." Let him know that hearing from him is about as exciting as hearing from your mailman or the 7-11 guy... Really not too impressive. He needs to feel like you are way out of his league, especially if it's the opposite way around. Typically, if you are really liking this guy, he will be!

One additional tip to appear "cooler than you are" would be to pick up, and say, "Hey Steve." It doesn't matter what his name is... Just say "Steve." It's one of my favorite guy names, and 50% of the Steves I know are hot! That way, your guy will think that ostensibly hot guy Steve has been calling you all day and is relentless in his pursuit of you.

He will feel threatened and immediately ponder, "Who's Steve?"

You immediately counter- "Oh no one. Just a friend." And if you've ever listened to Biz Markie's "Just a Friend", you will know that you just opened up the pot for major jealousy. Niiiiice.

After the initial salutations, there will most likely be an awkward pause, especially if you guys don't know each other well, and are unsure about what topics are taboo at this point in your relationship. Obvi, avoid things like menstruation, pregnancy, genital warts (or any STD for that matter), midgets, astrology, and colonoscopies.

Safe subjects are work (although it can get boring fast), your plans for later that evening or yesterday, a funny story (but please make sure that it's actually funny, and not something that will only produce a fake ass recycled laugh... ask me for a demonstration sometime), and an exciting event in the world.

The best subjects, though, are the ones that bring attention to how awesome you are and how everyone wants you. Not how everyone wants to sleep with you. That is only for hookers and slut whores. You can discuss how preposterous it was when you went to the mall today, and you got stopped by a talent agent, who immediately wanted to know if you were represented by anyone. Don't come off as a conceited bitch. Instead, laugh it off like-- "dude, I was like, are you serious? Don't you mean my friend?" That is a perfect addition to the story, because it will make you seem really down to earth and considerate-- as well as give the impression that you have good looking friends... However, don't let the boy think that your pals are better looking than you... Make sure to finish off with, "Yeah, but the talent agent was like, Nope... I think you've got star material." Hee hee!

Another potential successful conversation would be about how you have this great job. You want to definitely give the impression that you're not looking for a sugar daddy or someone to take care of you, even though that is exactly what I AM LOOKING FOR, and probably what you're looking for too. Say you're a lawyer or work for Google, if you really don't have a job that you're proud of. Waitress and Dog Walker just don't have the awesome points they used to have, even if movies glorify these jobs.


A typical conversation might begin with, "Yea, so my Google boss offered me a raise today... totally excited about that..." I've found that, just mentioning the word, "Google" is impressive to most people. The sentence can even be, "I got fired from Google"-- but I would still elicit ooohs and ahhhs, because at one point in my life, I was lucky enough to be associated with Google. Cool, huh?

If you need to lie too, that's cool. I think it's fine to embellish yourself, after all, if you can't be satisfied in real life, you might as well be happy in fantasy. It works.

Now is the tough part. You want that date. Whether it's the first or the third, you are dying for that date proposal, and there is no way you're about to suggest anything (unless it really is the third date-- and you do have a good date idea). You're waiting and waiting. More stupid shit to fake laugh your way through. Until, you feel the impending doom of "crap, we've run out of even the stupid shit." Alert lights should be flashing. Sirens are going off.

If you're in a truly desperate situation, you may say, "Gosh, I'm getting hungry... I wonder what I should eat..." The latter part has to come as an afterthought, like you're not really talking to him. It could be directed to a roommate or your neighbor, who's probably taking a shower. It has to appear real casual and nonchalant. If you're terrible at nonchalant, do not attempt. They will see right through you, as fishing for a date.

In an ideal situation, he will say-- "I dunno... but I was thinking sushi." You say, "What?" He says," For dinner, I was thinking sushi?" You say. "Oh, are you asking me out?" He says, " I guess I am." You say, "Ok. sure. Pick me up at 8"

Awesome right? Because he totally is the one asking you, even though you suggested the idea of it, but it's totally him who actually said the crucial words.


So, you've clinched the date. Congratulations! The point of that long awaited phone call has been realized. Yay! Now you can make up something about how you have to take your cat to the hospital, or you have to get ready to go to the Playboy Mansion party in your underwear. Whatever floats your boat.

If you haven't gotten the date, and you just feel like you can't be the one to bring it up. No worries. I've been there. Fuck it. and Fuck him. I promise, three years from now, you'll have a second chance with someone probably less attractive and another phone call to freak out about. Okay?

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