WASHINGTON---Today, President Barack Obama announced that he is sponsoring Whores for Hope, an organization aimed at banging out a cure for cancer . "After we screw the economy back into place, healthcare will be the next thing we tackle. It's not enough to open insurance up to everyone. We need to start an intercourse, so that we can find cures for the diseases that currently infect our great nation. Whores for Hope will see that the brightest minds of our time strip down and ram cancer until we have a cure."
But what is this organization that promises to protect us from disease? Whores for Hope is a collection of celebrities who are willing to have
sex with the person who cures cancer. The theory behind Whores for Hope is as simple as it is brilliant. Nerds are socially awkward, sex obsessed, lazy, and incredibly intelligent. Without proper motivation, nerds are content to do easy jobs and play video games in their off time. But given the proper motivation, namely sex, a nerd is capable of astounding feats. Ask yourself this: Would you have paid more attention in science if it meant you could be doing it with Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley...at the same time? Whores for Hope provides this motivation by listing the people you could be fucking if you cured cancer, and the possibilities are endless.
Former President Bill Clinton had this to say:
There have been many moments of genius over the years, but Obama has certainly fired off one of the best. With his backing, Whores for Hope will undoubtedly explode into a powerful organization that will cure all our health problems. Cancer is just foreplay. There are a load of other problems that could also be blown.
The list isn't limited to celebrities, though that is the main draw. "When Barack told me the plan, I had to ask him about allowing ordinary people to register," said First Lady Michelle Obama. "What if a scientist really wanted to sleep with his high school crush? Or an ex-girlfriend? This is a country of the people, of the average American. I think they should be able to put out to help cure cancer if they want to."
Whores for Hope does not limit itself to male scientists. It also supports women and homosexuals. All celebrities are asked to stand with the cause, and they have all signed a waiver saying that they will sleep with whoever cures cancer, male of female. Ben Affleck commented:
If we're not willing to take it up the ass for cancer, then I don't think we deserve the cure.
While most celebrities have shown support, a few notable ones have declined. On rejecting the offer to be the first female to sign with Whores for Hope, Angelina Jolie said, "I fuck Brad Pitt. Why would I have sex with a nerd?"
Perhaps the most surprising thing about Whores for Hope is the support it has received from the Republican party. While most Republicans don't believe in having sex for any reason, most of them also have cancer. Even former President George W. Bush has given his support saying:
If you aren't with Whores for Hope, then you're with the terrorists.