There are two things that everyone likes to hate, Zombies and Nazis. Zombies will always have a special place in my heart, but today is the day of the Nazi. With the release of Wolfenstein and Inglourious Basterds, Nazis are back in the popular scene. But why do we enjoy killing/watching Nazis die as much as we do? To find out, we need to get to the bottom of what makes a Nazi.
Nazis hate the world. They hate everyone who isn’t like them. The reason for that is because everyone else can tan. Nazis by definition are the whitest of the white people, second only to Albino’s. While their blond hair and blue eyes might make them attractive, their near see-through skin deserves some tanning. And they can’t do it. It’s a well known fact that Nazis confuse being dirty with tanning. Because of this, when they shower, they get angry. You would too if you lost your tan after cleaning. This is the primary reason for their anger, and why they felt the need to destroy anyone who could tan. Note: that Nazis avoid sunscreen at all costs.
The Nazis didn’t start wanting to kill anybody. They just wanted to learn the secrets of tanning. That is what all the human experiments were about. Plus, when they made people dig their own graves, it was just so that people could be out in the sun. How else do you tan? It had additional benefits too, as people playing in the dirt started looking more tan. Remember, that Nazis can’t tell the difference between dirt and melanin. They were just trying to help, but eventually their frustration took over. That’s when the killing started.
You may think that anyone who confuses dirt with a tan is stupid, but Nazis are really just more hopeful than most people. They see brown color, and their optimism leads them to believe that they’ve tanned. Think about it. They thought they could conquer all of the world and create one super race of people to live in a Utopia. That’s really hopeful. But, what they should’ve realized was that while they would never be able to get a tan, if they decided to breed with other races, their children would be able to. It is really a shame that genetic research was so poor at the time, and that Hitler just didn’t understand the way to create an Aryan race that could sit out in the sun without burning.
When you think about it, everyone likes blond haired, blue eyed people…as long as they aren’t Nazis. So why do we enjoy watching Nazis die so much? I’ve narrowed it down to two main reasons. The first is that we’re very cynical and don’t like hopeful people. So when bad things happen to the optimistic Nazis, we’re very pleased. The second reason is that they want to kill us because of our tans. And no one likes someone who is violent with envy.