In a world where no one can say anything without wordplay that boggles the mind, it’s no surprise that readers think that William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy when it is clearly not. Romeo and Juliet is a story about how sometimes the best possible outcome involves a couple of deaths. Just in time for Valentine’s, here is my analysis of Romeo and Juliet. The story begins with two warring factions, the Montagues and the Capulets. These two families fight each other constantly, terrorize fair Verona, and ultimately cause more damage to property and life than Prince Escalus, the ruler of Verona, is prepared to tolerate. Escalus warns the two families that if they continue to fight, he’s going to lay the smack down.

Neither Gaston nor Romeo can read, but man are they hot.

Meanwhile, a young boy named Romeo is busy being emo. He, much like Barney Stinson, has used every trick in the book in order to try to win the heart of Rosaline, who is apparently super hot. Benvolio, Emo-meos cousin, comes up to him and says, “There be hotter bitches, yo.” He’s right. Unfortunately they’re all at a party held by the enemy. It is there that Romeo sees someone even hotter than Rosaline and falls helplessly in lust. This is Juliet. At this point, Romeo puts on his best Gaston impression and says, “In the world there’s only she, as beautiful as me, and that is why I have to marry Belle…er Juliet.” Fortunately for Romeo, Juliet has lived a sheltered life and falls for the first trick Romeo throws at her.

Long story short, they get married and kill themselves when they can’t be together, despite excellent planning that would’ve allowed them to live happily ever after had they not been so impulsive and killed themselves. This is where people tend to think this whole thing is a tragedy. Here’s why it’s not.

First, you have to consider who you’re really looking at with Romeo. You never feel bad when Barney Stinson doesn’t corrupt a young virgin. You definitely don’t feel bad at the end of Beauty and the Beast when Gaston dies. Most importantly, you never feel bad when an emo kid suicides. After all, it’s their greatest joy in life.

I know we've just met, but would you fancy my penis in your vagina?

Juliet is almost as bad. The entire play she just talks about how she wants to get laid. Seriously. Read it again if you don’t remember that part. She talks about how she wants all of Romeo’s parts, specifically his penis. After she gets married, she makes a comment about how she’s paid for but unused. Not to mention the amount of time she spends drooling over his looks. The chick really needs to get some. Maybe the tragedy is that she was a princess and not a hooker.

Next, there’s this idea that it is a tragedy because two lovers died. After all, they were so much in love, right? Not really. They knew each other for 10 minutes before they decided that they were meant to be. I’m no expert, but that’s unhealthy relationship behavior. Plus, they just liked each other because they were the hottest people in the room. That’s not necessarily a bad reason to like a person, but it’s far from tragedy when that couple breaks up.

In any case, the reason it’s an ideal situation is this: let’s assume that Romeo and Juliet had managed to get together and stay alive. When they finally realized that they didn’t actually like each other but were highly in lust, they would’ve divorced. Now, the Capulets and Montagues don’t precisely get along to begin with. When they break up, the city would’ve fallen into more chaos than ever before. Not only that, but the death of Romeo and Juliet actually spurred the two to work together. For the little people of Verona, this was the happiest day ever. No more did they have to be wary of fights between two retarded families. They could finally live in peace, and everyone learned a valuable lesson: When emo kids die, everyone prospers.

Personally, I think the whole thing was set up by Prince Escalus. He knew that Romeo and Mercutio, a relative of the Capulets, were good friends. It was just a matter of convincing Benvolio, who always wants to keep the peace, to get Romeo to meet Juliet. Kind’ve puts Benvolio’s comment about hot bitches into perspective, doesn’t it? After that, you find a way to get Romeo banished, convince the priest to set up a ridiculous plan to make Juliet want to kill herself, and never send a letter to tell Romeo what’s going on. Star-crossed lovers die. The rest of the town lives in peace. Tragedy? I think not.

P.S. Juliet Capulet is a stupid name.


Ted Mosby: "Hey Romeo, if you try to get with Juliet, the Prince of Cats will kill you."

Romeo Stinson: "Challenge accepted!"