I hate sports. I really hate sports. It’s not just because I suck at them. It’s also because they’re fucking boring to watch. Let's be honest. The highly paid sports are just uninteresting. Baseball isn't much better than golf. Basketball lacks action. Football and hockey are just metaphors for gay sex. The best sports are the sports where people are competing against themselves in terms of pure human strength. But those, like hurdles, get boring due to their repetition. In order to fix this problem, in order to make sports interesting, I believe they need to be played by average people.

Example 1: Hurdles

Watching people fail is always interesting.

If you’ve ever watched the Special Olympics, you will know that there is nothing quite as funny as watching midgets run. But since that is not politically correct, we’ll have to settle for non retarded people thinking they can jump. Imagine a normal person trying to do hurdles. It’s kind of funny. Now imagine ten normal people trying to do hurdles. That’s really funny. It’s not directly violent, but I imagine there would be quite a bit of injury. Which is the point of sports, right?

Example 2: Discus throwing

Preferably group discus throwing. Now, in the Olympics people can throw discii (if it wasn't a word before, it is now) very well. Out of the Olympics, not so much. And what’s funnier than watching a bunch of people throw heavy objects without knowing what they’re doing... into a crowd of each other. Average people throwing discii at each other would be a whole new level of amusement. While that would be a good sport, it’s not quite as good as…

Example 3: Javelin throwing

Could you use her bra as a javelin? Perhaps...

I wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to javelin throwing. But I think that group javelin throwing would be awesome. The amount of people who would end up speared, would be similar to the amount of people who have speared Madonna. Which is to say, everyone who participated.  And while professional javelin throwing can be fun to watch, in terms of pure human strength, javelin throwing by the average person is fun for the opposite reason. Human carnage.

Example 4: Fencing!

Not everyone knows how to use a sword. In fact, most people don’t. Real fencing is actually quite boring. Watching people hit each other’s swords with no actual interest in stabbing their opponent really makes no sense. Watching people who don’t know how to fence, trying to kill each other through stupid looking white cloth, would be a vast improvement. When average people fence, the person who wins is the one that is still alive at the end. As opposed to actual fencing, where the person who wins is the one who is more French.

Example 5: Pole vaulting

Obviously, some sports are more geared to being played by the average person than others.  Gymnastics is one, but that’s not visually appealing. Torn muscles aren’t funny. Pole vaulting, on the other hand, is constant visual stimulation. Watching people go up in the air, just to fall back down, is one of the greatest things ever. And even if they made it up in the air, would they know how to descend? They could spend hours on top of a pole. Fantastics. The s is for super. And the one’s that didn’t make it up? Hopefully, they would be hit by the pole on the way down.

Glorious!

If television started running these kinds of sports, I would start watching. There's no question to me that it would be more interesting than what we have now.