What Lays Ahead For The Golden Arches? OAK BROOK, Ill. — Beginning Tuesday, April 7th, all McDonald's restaurants in the United States will be rolling out new, restructured serving sizes for some of their biggest selling food items. Regarding the portion sizes of their publicly beloved fries, McDonald's "Medium" will be renamed "Small", their "Large "will be renamed "Medium," bringing back their "terminated by guilt" "Super-Size," McDonald's will now rename this reinstituted size "Jumbo," and soon rolling out a new forty ounce fry-tub, the company will call this size "Mammoth."

McDonald's will also completely dispose of their small fries size, stating "When you look out an airplane window and the people look like ants, those ants don't look appealing; they are too small. You don't want to eat those ants. Even if they were deep-fried in hydrogenated oils you still wouldn't want them," a spokesperson told the public.

But it's not just the fries getting a makeover. McDonald's most popular burger, the Big-Mac, is also getting revamped. Well known as the burger with two patties separated by a third middle bun and a "secret sauce," McDonald's will now add an extra three patties, two buns, and up the secret sauce content from 50 cc to 100 cc. The new "Ginor-Mac" will stand at a whopping eight inches tall and every order will include a refashioned mouth guard that conveniently holds your mouth open wide enough to fit the Ginor-Mac inside.

Thousands of hungry individuals rallied in the streets of several major cities last Friday after the news leaked onto the web by an unknown attendee at the 2009 shareholder's meeting in Oak Brook, Illinois, McDonald's Corporation headquarters. Less than two hours after the news broke, one mob of overweight ralliers stampeded into a Krispy Kreme donut shop in a Detroit suburb, stealing multiple tubs of frosting and dumping it on patient customers, then proceeding to douse the store with raspberry jelly.

In Tampa, Florida, a corpulent, forty year old woman waddled down a major intersection during rush hour wearing nothing but a skimpy pool tarp and waving a flag imprinted with the golden arches. Hillsborough County riot police rushed to the scene and after witnessing the perpetrator, quickly blinded themselves with mace.

Although some fans caused havoc, many loyal McDonald's customers were nothing more than harmlessly joyous of the occasion. Tim Waters, a local mechanic in Washington D.C., told BTH, "This is long overdue. I've been writing McDonald's for years suggesting that they get rid of their smaller sizes. There's just no need for them. I mean, no one orders just one small fries. It's not economical."

Yummy Golden Chemical Sticks

Revealing the new menu revisions was McDonald's Chief Executive, Jim Skinner. Although the company was scheduled to reveal the news several days later during a prime time television commercial, Mr. Skinner was nonetheless excited by early customer reaction to the leaked news. "I am very pleased with customer reaction. These are hard economic times, and to see that our customer base is nonetheless excited about our size adjustments, "McFlation" as it will be known, shows the amount of loyalty in each and every addicted customer. Wait, I've said too much," speaks CEO Jim Skinner at the shareholders meeting.

America's youth was ecstatic as well. At a tri-level McDonald's in Oak Brook, Illinois, hundreds of children crammed into the multi-level PlayPlace celebrating the new Happy Meals, soon to be rolled out as "Happier Meals." These new kid-sized portions will be essentially the same as the old happy meals, however, the gender-directed play toy will be replaced with a hamburger for boys, and a miniature size Filet-O-Fish for girls.

We were able to speak to one of the joyful children, third-grader Kenneth Shay, as he was putting is shoes in a PlayPlace cubby. "I lyke McDonald's...iz good. You havz chesseburger?" Kenneth then suddenly collapsed to the floor and proceeded to convulse. In-house McParamedics came to the scene and resuscitated Kenneth, later acknowledging that "This happens from time to time. Too much barbeque sauce."

For many states with recently enforced nutrition laws—such as those that force caloric information to be put on the ordering menus—this means complete menu overhaul, due to the fact that most menus only have four spaces for caloric content, and with these new sizes, a fifth digit will be needed.

According to CEO Skinner, "Small is so 2003. We like to think of McDonald's as a progressive company, leading the market with cutting edge innovations. This is just step one of a long journey." When asked by a shareholder during the Q&A how McDonald's feels about the current obesity crisis in America and how the company will adapt to this new social climate, Mr. Skinner replied, "Here at McDonald's we feel that..." Skinner then trailed off with mumbling and quickly exited the room. Following his exit, McDonald's personnel proceeded to comb the aisles, tossing out free hamburgers to the crowd as sounds of a helicopter crept through the back doors.

"You Going To Finish That?"

We'll have to wait until April to see if the numbers will parallel the current public excitement, but nonetheless, Chief Exec. Jim Skinner showed us all that McDonald's Corporation still has many McTricks up its sleeves. One can only feel slightly giddy about the future of this gargantuan corporation and I know all of us are wondering what will be next for the company. Secret sauce injections? Perhaps a Hamburger Island in the Pacific Ocean? The world is your oyster, Mr. Skinner. Crack it open and for all means, deep-fry it.

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AuthorAustin Rafter