Due to the up and coming release of the new iPhone 3.0 software update, I thought I'd delve into some ideas that Apple could and SHOULD use in future iPhone developments:


iphone3g-originalHOT GIRL-DAR/GUY-DAR

Tired of being in the club surrounded by butter faces? Where the hell did all the hot girls go? Normally one would mozy around the venue scanning for these beautiful babes, but sadly and consequently, one has to risk looking like a lost loser or a damn right stalker. With this app you can find your beautiful babes while to the unsuspecting bystander you look like you’re simply reading a text or checking your Gmail.

Using cutting edge satelitte and imaging software, this app scans the club, detecting certain attributes about those in attendance…breast size, butt circumference, pec radius, face symmetry, and so on...while giving them a 1-10 point rating. The  point-rating system is for the people who, let's face it, need a realistic range lower than 9.9-10. Another great thing about this app is that you might be one of those who's too drunk to tell who's hot and who's not. With this app you will never have to walk the plank of shame ever again. Or at least a less shameful plank.


‘Nuff said. Let’s get mobile.  ALSO…when is iTunes going to carry porno? I mean what the fu** am I supposed to do on this 6 hour flight to Newark?

FOR iPHONE 3.0 UPDATE:iphone2


For those at home who left their iPhone at him with their psycho suspicious partner.  With this option, all you would have to do is dial your phone number from any other line, enter your special pass code, then the iPhone will swiftly erase any suspicious, sketchy information you have on your phone ranging all the way from texts, Google searches, web addresses, and emails.

Choose the words and phrases you want erased. Regarding texts, phrases like: “Your house,” “Take you to pleasuretown,” “In the rear,” and “She doesn’t have to know,” might want to be on the list.

Regretable web addresses such as: “TitsRus.com,” “Vaghouse.com,”  and “McCainPalin08.org”

Detestable google searches such as: “Dirty little asian dwarfs,” “Herpes symptoms,” and  “Most common side effects of sex reconstruction surgery.”

Horrifying email subject headings such as: “Those penis pumps you ordered have been backordered…” “Your receipt for Fleshlight – Dark tone,” and “Cheating for dummies.” What? It’s a very complex craft.

Google map searchs such as: “Mr. Grundle’s House O’ fun,” The Smut Factory,” and “The Loin Lair." iphoneDRUNK TEXT SAVER

Accidently just send a text to your ex-girlfriend telling her you still love her? Well keep drinking, because there’s nothing to worry. With the drunk text saver…a special code on the phone will automatically send information to the reciever's phone, changing their text immediately to a specified message. I personally recommend: “I was faking it, dick mouth!” Or for the guys: “I was fucking your sister!” Classy.

AuthorAustin Rafter