Disclaimer: This guide to curing depression has no medical facts, accuracy, or real value. Please do not try this at home. Disclaimers are mostly unnecessary in my line of work. If you believe anything I’ve ever written, you probably shouldn’t be reading. This is an exception though, since I’m writing from the heart. You all know what depression is. Everyone has been visited by this at some point in their lives. Here’s how to solve it.
Step 1: Isolation
The first step to dealing with depression is isolation. Some people think that friends are good for helping you through depression. This is true, but a person is unlikely to remain your friend if you’re a whiny bitch for an extended period of time. Depressed people are whiny bitches. If they’re not whiny, they’re still not fun to be around. In either case, the solution is isolation. If you’re depressed, stay away from anyone you care about, and they’ll still be your friends when you’re no longer depressed. It’s a genius solution.
Step 2: Distraction
The second step is distraction. I’m not talking about ordinary types of distraction. I’m talking about super distraction. You need to find an activity that consumes hours on end AND that you’re really good at. Unnaturally good at. By doing something that you are really good for an extended period of time, you will repair your self confidence. Make sure that you can’t fail at this activity. If you’re an ice skater and you trip, you’ll just get more depressed. A good suggestion is masturbation. You probably can’t fail at masturbation, and you can do it until you’re no longer depressed.
Step 3: Find your Happy Place
Once you’ve sufficiently distracted yourself, you can find your happy place. Your happy place is where you can leave all the stresses of life behind and reconnect with the awesomeness that is you. Remembering how awesome you are will instantly cure your depression. My happy place is two girls making out in a grassy field. Yours is probably the same. While envisioning your happy place, let the calm flow over you, and remember that life is as beautiful two girls making out. With this thought in place, you’ll be able to smile again. Depression cured.