It’s a brand new year, and that means it’s time to make New Year Resolutions that will last. While you could try to lose weight or be a better person, I’d advise a slightly more achievable approach. What is that approach you ask? It’s committing the Seven Deadly Sins, all year long. Now, you might be afraid of going to Hell if you follow this plan, but I’m here to tell you why it’s okay to commit the sins. In some cases, it’s even beneficial.

Pride and Lust

Seven Deadly Sins

Anyone who wants to defend the Seven Deadly Sins needs to start where everyone will agree: pride. All Americans will agree that when you do something well, you should be proud of yourself. It boosts self-esteem. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. It makes life worth living. Really, there is nothing wrong with being prideful at all. It is one of the best things you can do, and more importantly, when you’ve done very well for yourself you start attracting people. It’s unfair to lead people on, so when you attract them, it is important to have sex with them…which leads us to lust. Remember, if you don’t have sex with people, they’ll lose self-esteem and pride, and we don’t want that. Sex is an act of giving, and you should give to as many people as you possibly can. (But always wear a condom.)

Envy and Greed

Ben knows the score.

Moving on, we have envy. Envy is our little green friend that results from not having enough little green friends. Envy gives us something to strive for in life. Where would we be if we didn’t know who we wanted to emulate, or who’s stuff we wanted to have. If we didn’t know that there were people with Aston Martin’s, would we really want to work? Envy keeps us working towards the betterment of ourselves and mankind.

But, it can’t end there. We also need to be greedy. After all, there is no such thing as a good life, just new standards. Once we have our sports cars and high definition televisions, we can start thinking about the things that really matter - better sports cars and bigger high definition televisions. Our very economy would collapse if we were ever content with what we had, and so greed plays a very important role in our lives.

Gluttony and Sloth

Gluttony is the backbone of America. We must consume, for the good of people everywhere. It’s the basis of our economy and why we’re all overweight. Most importantly, gluttony is delicious. Gluttony is about consuming, and it doesn’t have to be food. You can be a glutton with anything. Having a lot of sex or watching a lot of TV are good ways to start. However you decide to do it, at some point it’ll bring you to sloth.

Sloth is what we really lack in our country, and it’s my favorite sin. People never take enough time to relax and reflect on the world around them. Sloth alleviates the want to work, the will to do, and puts us in a place where we can properly gaze upon the stars and just be. It is very easy to be slothful, once you’ve learned the trick. Just do anything in excess (gluttony), and you’ll be too exhausted to do anything but relax.

Wrath

As you can see, sinning isn’t clear cut. Anything that seems bad can be astoundingly good for you. But, we haven’t discussed wrath, and this might be the toughest sell. After all, not many people will want to accept the role of rage in their life. However, the benefits of wrath are many. First, wrath will give you the backbone you’ve always wanted. Not only that, but it’ll make people fear you, and everyone knows it is better to be feared than loved. Finally, we can revive righteous anger. If you don’t know what righteous anger is, it’s when you murder someone who types “u” instead of “you” or when you slowly dismember someone for typing “lol gud to c u 2, u owt this week?”

Remember that anyone can make a New Year’s Resolution, but not everyone will choose the right path. The Seven Deadly Sins will help us with our self-esteem, through pride and lust. Envy and greed will help us achieve our goals. Gluttony and sloth will reward us when we have done well. Wrath will keep us passionate. Is there really anything else a person needs to live a fulfilling life?