Hurray for Freedom!

The Fourth of the July is right around the corner, and that means it's time for a history lesson. Back in 1776, in a place called the Colonies, a bunch of white guys whined at the motherland of Britain because they were tired of being taxed. Rather than solve their problems civilly, Britain massacred some people in Boston. In response, the Bostonians got rid of the Brits tea. Shortly after, all the Colonies got together and declared independence. Now, if you recall from Memorial Day, I am a patriot. And as a patriot, I’ve developed a few great ways to celebrate Independence Day.

Watch that movie with Will Smith

Independence Day

Not the one where he’s a superhero (Hancock), or the one where he kills zombies (I Am Legend), or the one where he’s an anorexic (Seven Pounds). Watch the one with the White House in it. I think he wears a lot of black and has a gun that shoots aliens. Or does he sneeze on them in the end? I forget, but whatever the movie is, if you watch it, you’ll be one step closer to being a true patriot.

Throw tea into the ocean

An obvious way to celebrate the 4th of July would be to throw tea into the ocean. For greatest historical accuracy, you should throw tea into the Atlantic Ocean. But if that is out of reach, you can use the Pacific Ocean or even your neighbor’s pool. If your neighbor is British, be sure to drop a lot of tea in. Don’t worry about the consequences. Since the British truly enjoy tea, they will probably thank you when you give them a pool full. Just remember, if you drink tea on the 4th of July, you lose your patriot status.

Hug a French person

The French are awesome

You may have forgotten, but there are two major reasons America defeated England in the Revolutionary War. The first, of course, was that Chuck Norris dropkicked King George in the face and then slept with the Queen. The second was that the French provided a whole lot of military help. So despite our current political problems with France (on account of them supporting the terrorists), take a moment and hug a French person. After all, they did give us the Statue of Liberty, French fries, and French toast.

Declare independence

People with massive balls started this country. Men with balls the size of the sun decided to challenge the most powerful military force in the world…and they won. That’s pretty amazing, but a little hard to copy. Instead of trying to attack America and develop your own country, which would be treasonous and against the spirit of patriotism, declare independence from the thing that bothers you most. Quit your job, divorce your wife, or run away from your children. It almost doesn’t matter what you’re declaring independence from, as long as you’re declaring independence.


And afterwards, raid their beer!

Setting off fireworks on the 4th of July is the true mark of the patriot. You might think that declaring independence would be the most appropriate thing for Independence Day, but you’d be wrong. As Francis Scott Key would tell you, having the rocket’s red glare in the sky is part of what defines us as Americans. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, especially not the police. There are many types of fireworks you can use, but the most patriotic are the most destructive. If your fireworks blow up a pub (pubs are British), that’s one more point for the home team.  If you’re afraid of law enforcement taking away your Star Spangled rights to ignite explosives, you could just find a nice roof to sit on and watch someone else do it. But really, you should make an attempt to set some off on your own.

If this doesn't appeal to you, you can always find your own way to celebrate the founding of our country. Just stick to the basics of how we were founded: rebellion, anarchy, and explosions.