We’ve all had those dreaded moments. The moments when your singledom is put on display because you’re the only person who can sit at the head of the table in restaurants, because there are never three seats together at a movie theater when you go with a couple, and because formal invitations always encourage a plus one. In spite of an evermore accepting society, it seems that it is more of a stigma to be alone and heterosexual than it is to be gay. At least when you’re gay, you’ve declared some sort of sexual stance. Single straight people are assumed to be either mentally challenged or latent serial killers (and yes, the generalizations admittedly have some merit). But it doesn’t have to be a torturous experience. Believe it or not, some people are not married or attached by choice.
If you are not in this category of being consensually “eligible,” here are some ways you might become more comfortable/accustomed to the notion of attending a gathering of your married/engaged/in a serious relationship friends.
1. Act like you’re oblivious to all awkwardness. This generally includes two of the worst questions a single person can be asked: “Are you seeing anyone special?” and “How’s your love life?” I like to respond to the latter question by bursting into my own rendition of Haddaway’s classic dance hit “What Is Love?” People typically back off the subject after that.
2. Drink. Alcohol. Copiously. Not so much that it’s obvious you’re drunk, but just enough to be perceived as “jovial” or “affable.”
3. If necessary, create outlandish stories about your sexual hijinks to make monogamy seem as incongruous as it really is.
4. Suggest group activities that do not require “pairs.” This would include bowling, croquet, band practice, and going to a racetrack.
5. When couples start prattling about plans for their impending nuptials, interrupt them with your plans for signing up for the Peace Corps and volunteering for the American Red Cross—thereby rendering their lives far more self-indulgent and purposeless.
6. Prepare elaborate appetizers and desserts for the various functions that you attend, so that the attention is always on your culinary skills rather than your skills at cultivating romance. If you can’t cook, buy something and pass it off as your own.
7. When friends ask you if your parents are ever disappointed that you haven’t given them any grandchildren, respond meekly by saying that you’re barren and at the bottom of an adoption waitlist.
8. Never allow anyone in your life to convince you to go on a speed dating jaunt or talk you into being set up with one of his or her other single friends—who you’ve probably never met before because he is bald and short.
9. Attend Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous meetings. They are full of single people who hate people with the ability to “commit” as much as you do.
10. Sleep with your best friend’s husband. Just so you can have the satisfaction of wiping that smug look off her face whenever you feel inclined.
So, there you have it. Ten ways to curb the uncomfortableness of being single when none of your other friends are. You can also turn to another song called "(What Is) Love?" by Jennifer Lopez. I find lyrics like "What if I never find/And I'm left behind?/Should I keep hoping for love?/What if I'm still the same?/Status doesn't change" to be oh so consoling.